Saturday, May 7, 2011

1. I’m a 22 year old, queer, genderqueer. Sometimes I like to use the term “people-sexual” as well, which I came across once on a forum. I also think that I’m a right mess.

2. I’m a virgin. I am still a virgin. Part of me always wonders why this is such a big thing to me, and I tell myself off for letting it be a big thing, as it really shouldn’t be. I guess it might have something to do with the macho culture that I was surrounded by ([sarcasm]thankyou so very much, school[/sarcasm]) when I was a kid.

3. I get crushes. *Lots* of crushes. It drives me fucking insane at times. I don’t know what it is or why. I don’t think I even have a type. Although, I have deduced that if I did, chances are that if you are hetero and cis, then I am sorry (be happy!), but I am probably not (emphasise “probably not”) interested.

4. I still might appreciate your aesthetically sculpted bod, though.

5. I also seem to be one of those folk whom Cupid has made their bitch – in the sense that I have yet to have a crush on someone who reciprocated (that I know of).

6. This has caused me to generally not bother even approaching the subject with someone who I feel affection towards, as I assume that they would not be interested, thus there is no point in even asking and risk damaging the relationship (already done that twice).

7. Thus points 3, 5 & 6 cause a negative feedback loop which leave me feeling romantically stymied and sexually hopeless.

8. I think I might also be cuddle-powered. This is a problem as my social-interaction skills are far from great. Now that (social interaction), I am unsure whether my skill in that area really is lacking, or whether it is a self-esteem thing. This is a problem, as it makes it difficult to figure out exactly how to not be: a) creepy, b) lonely, c) stupid. These problems mean that I struggle to be close to people, which in turn causes the whole crushes thing to become really fucking... pathetic (it sometimes feels like someone is taunting me (see 5) – “You could never have a relationship with these people but I’m going to make you pine after them anyway, y’know, just for kicks and shizz.”)

9. I want to be able to show physical signs of affection with those I feel close to – I enjoy hugs, cuddles, amongst other stuff, but I almost never want to initiate such a thing, as I am paranoid about coming off as creepy (see 8), or simply misreading the boundaries of a friendship with someone (again, see 8).

10. I’m not an alcoholic, drug addict or chain-smoker. I do however think that I am addicted to something – masturbation. It sickens me in a way. Don’t I have anything better to do? Is life really that shit that you are wanting to surf endorphin high after endorphin high that your bits can’t even really produce anymore because they’ve been overworked over the past 8-10 years?

11. I “take care of business” between 1 and maybe 6 or more times a day. FAPFAPFAP(fap).

12. I have a 9.5GB porn collection. Ew. I think I once had a 20GB collection... Eww.

13. While this seeming addiction perturbs me, it is some of the fantasies that really make me scared on occasion. This is why I think I am addicted to the process (masturbation/fantasy/escape thing). I have noticed that over the years the fantasies have become more and more extreme (granted, I think they always were a bit heavy, and a bit too well-formed for a kid at the time), and recently, once I have “snapped-out of it” as it were, I feel a bit sick and tend to think “WTF?”, “WTH?” or generally “What is wrong with me?!?!” The rating of fantasies, while they have generally increased, the precise pattern seems to be that there is an increase, which peaks and subsequently drops back down (although not all the way), only to increase again, peak (and so on). It seems as if I am almost building up a tolerance.

14. One such fantasy - although I don’t think that in this case, “fantasy” is perhaps the correct term as defined when used in 13 (i.e., I don’t really see this particular fantasy as sexual, although it could be read as kinky) – is me just being curled up on the lap of a friend/partner I trust, gently/lightly bound and gagged (clothed) and just being stroked, kissed, and cuddled. It is really odd.

15. There is this thing that I find enchanting, though, when I masturbate, and that is sometimes my head floats into this space which is not-quite sleep, but not quite awake, and seemingly perfectly clear, quiet and peaceful. I don’t always find that place, but I think I might try and find and keep myself there more often. I don’t think it is an orgasm-induced ecstasy type thing, as I immediately lose all hardness down there when I do enter that place.

16. Sometimes when I think about the whole sex thing too much, or start typing up something like this, I feel the need to either curl up and cry, or sit against a wall with my knees bunch up and just kinda cradle myself. *scratches head* This confuses me.

17. I am lucky in one sense – I very rarely get intense, crippling bouts of bodily dysphoria. I do often grumble about the state of my body. Unfortunately though, the only way I think that I would be absolutely happy with my body is if I was a shape-shifter type entity, as I rarely ever solely want to have a “female” config, or a “male” config. Due to this, however, I sometimes wonder whether I would ever get complete satisfaction from a sexual encounter.

18. Another thing that goes through my mind sometimes is that quite often, I don’t think that I would get any pleasure from receiving “conventional” sex, unless I happened to be extremely aroused. If I ever did have sex, I think I would only ever feel comfortable giving, although unless I was wearing a strap-on, then I don’t think I would want to give penetrative sex. I don’t think I would have a problem with giving either cunnilingus or fellatio, but receiving the latter... maybe, I am really not sure. I also sometimes feel that I am missing a 3rd “hole” as it were, and that I would enjoy receiving only penetrative sex.

19. As a theory, polyamory is something which I would not object to on principle. However, in my case, I feel that finding the correct combination of partners would be a nightmare for it to work (at all). That doesn’t mean I don’t find more than one person attractive simultaneously, nor does it mean that I wouldn’t want to be in one.

20. If I was ever fortunate enough to be in a relationship, I would kinda like to have the option of exploring mine (and my partner’s/partners’) kinky side with my partner(s). I’m curious about power-play (dom/sub stuff), bondage, and consensual non-consent, amongst other stuff. I know this, as kinky stuff regularly features in fantasies these days. (Although thinking about it, I’ve had kinky fantasies since I was around 5/6 at least.)

21. However, trust is a big thing for me. I want to be able to trust people, yet I often struggle with the whole thing. Goodness knows how this might fuck up a sexual or romantic encounter.

22. Reading through this, I feel that I have perhaps managed to paralyze myself with worry. This is not implausible, I suspect. The trick is to overcome it, and start functioning at full capacity again. It is often said that a lack of confidence is just as off-putting as overconfidence, so I need to sort that out too. This writing down of stuff can be rather therapeutic.

23. I guess what I might also be able to take from this is that I would perhaps like to just explore everything with someone I trust – figure it all out in the bedroom I guess. Oh, or stop masturbating for as long as I can (I’ll go with one day at a time for now).

24. Meep. This thing really is a TMI orgy.

25. Time to try and move on? Worth a try, I guess. Maybe someone will come along, who I like and trust, and who wants to play, and maybe we’ll play, and maybe something more will happen. But it is nothing that you should get hung up on. It will just drive you a little bit crazy.