Sunday, May 8, 2011

1. I’m a 26-year-old straight female.

2. I started masturbating at a very young age, probably around four or five.

3. I only started using sex toys within the past couple of years. I use both vibrators and dildos, but I prefer vibrators.

4. I can currently only orgasm through clitoral stimulation (hence my preference for vibrators).

5. I ejaculate pretty much every time I masturbate. I started ejaculating when I hit puberty, but I didn’t know exactly what was happening until my mid-late teens.

6. About a year ago, I had my first experience with multiple orgasms.

7. I’m easily aroused. Porn, erotic literature, sex scenes in either movies or TV shows, the sound of couples having sex – all of it gets me going.

8. Even though it turns me on, I really hate porn. Despite its ability to make me horny, I find most of it to be either crude or tacky. I prefer to read erotic stories or novels.

9. Despite the fact that I’m straight and really have no desire to have sex with a woman, the thought or sight of two women having sex or even just kissing excites me a great deal.

10. I don’t do anything to my pubic hair. I like my pubic hair. Furthermore, I don’t understand why women have to be hairless in order to be considered sexy these days.

11. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend... and I use the term “boyfriend” loosely because we were twelve.

12. This “boyfriend” sexually assaulted me, while holding a huge kitchen knife to my throat. I only recently told my family what happened because I was ashamed of myself. I thought I deserved it or had it coming because I let him touch me sexually before he actually assaulted me. I never let him go below the belt and there was never any oral sex or penetration of any kind. But, looking back on it, what we did was far too inappropriate for that age.

13. I’m still a virgin.

14. Because of what happened to me, I can only ever see myself having sex for the first time within the context of a long-term, loving, monogamous relationship. I need to know that the guy cares about me. Otherwise, I won’t be able to open up.

15. To be honest, sex kind of scares me. I want to do it – sometimes so badly I can hardly see straight – but I’m worried about the pain that potentially accompanies sex; both physical and emotional pain. I’m also terrified about getting an STD. Most of my friends have had at least one.

16. Even though I want to experience intercourse, I’m more excited by the prospect of oral sex. Specifically receiving it. I really, really want a guy to go down on me. However, I’m not as excited by the idea of giving a guy a blowjob. I’d do it, but I’m not certain it’s something I’d like.

17. I still have a fully intact hymen. This has made experimenting with penetration a pain in the ass.

18. I’ve only really kissed one person – the “boyfriend” from when I was twelve. He’s also the only person who’s ever touched me in a sexual manner.

19. I’m a bitter romantic. I believe that love exists, but I don’t think it will ever happen to me. Which is sad, because I want to be in love. Knowing that this probably isn’t in the cards for me is painful and I’ve become very negative about both love and relationships.

20. I’m an unattractive person; at least, this is what I’ve been told by pretty much every male I’ve encountered in life. I hate looking at myself naked, so much so that I only masturbate in the dark. I can’t see my body in the dark.

21. The thought of anybody else seeing me naked gives me nightmares. I don’t believe a guy could ever look at me and see something worth wanting sexually.

22. The times I’ve actually worked up the courage to flirt with guys, they’ve either walked away without saying anything or laughed in my face. I’m not kidding.

23. I’ve spent more than a decade in therapy trying to overcome both my issues with sex and my low self-esteem. I’m still clearly fucked up.

24. I’m certain that I’ll probably die a virgin. Between the sexual assault, my desire for romantic relationships only, my personal fears about sex, and the fact that I’m not considered attractive by most guys with whom I come into contact, I’ve pretty much given up hope.

25. As a result of my having given up on ever having sex or being in a relationship, I spend a lot of time daydreaming about both. I probably spend most of my day lost in some alternate universe my mind has created. In this universe, I was never sexually traumatized; I’m beautiful, desirable, wanted. I’m not hung up about anything sexually. I’m able to be in loving relationships with sweet men who actually give a shit about me. It’s kind of pathetic, actually…