Monday, June 20, 2011

1. I am a 28 year old female-bodied married person.

2. I am mostly cisgendered. I say mostly because sometimes I fantasize about having a penis, and pegging my husband with a strap-on makes me come like crazy. I don't know if that affects my gender or not, honestly; I find a lot of the different categories and terminology confusing. I'm pretty new to the politics of gender and sexuality.

3. My husband and I are both bisexual, but we did not know this about each other until after we'd been together for years. Neither of us had any bi experience until less than a year ago. He has lived in the southern US for his entire life, and was very nervous about broaching the subject with me. I love him so strongly for overcoming ingrained phobias and trying to find himself.

4. To explore this side of ourselves, we have become swingers. Bisexual men are hard to find in the swinging community (most of them publicly claim to be straight) but "bisexual" women seem to be a dime a dozen. This imbalance kind of makes me sad, but that's society for you.

5. I am in a phase wherein I love anything and everything male. Women are beautiful, don't get me wrong, but lately I have been so turned on by looking at the male body. Forearms and wrists and hands, mouths, shoulders, thighs, hips, and cocks are my favorite bits. I've been browsing lots and lots of photoblogs. I lust shamelessly after Tom Hardy.

6. I mostly masturbate to gay porn nowadays. I love watching men together. I belong to a few role-playing/writing groups, and tend to write a lot of sex scenes. The man-on-man ones are currently my favorites.

7. Despite having had sex with another man, my husband had never kissed one until last night. We went to the sex club and got very lucky. He kissed two. This made me deliriously happy and oh so horny. One was a huge, burly, tattooed soldier who wanted to bottom. The other was a slim and boy-next-door adorable type. (I was rather drunk and kept telling him he looked like a Backstreet Boy. He was very sweet about it.) We unfortunately only got one of their numbers.

8. I love to eat pussy. I've made four women come now and it's an incredible rush. Two were squirters. I kind of wish I could do that, but it hasn't happened yet. I get dry kind of easily, especially after I've already climaxed once.

9. A lot of the time I'd rather give oral than receive. Unless it's with my husband. He knows his way around my pussy. But I love to give pleasure and hear people breathe hard and moan and know I'm responsible for it.

10. Though so far I like fucking women, I'm not sure that I'd have a relationship with one. This is probably because I'm happily married. But if we were to branch into polyamory, I think I'd rather have a boyfriend. Considering that last night was the first time another man's penis has been inside me in close to 8 years, it's probably not going to come up any time soon.

11. I have two crushes on guys at work. Both are married and seemingly straight, but I still like to think about them making out.

12. I started masturbating when I was around eleven. I would rub a pillow against my crotch. I didn't have orgasms right away, and I honestly can't remember when my first one was. I found my parents' video porn stash at a fairly young age, though. It was silly '70s and '80s porn. To this day, vintage porn makes me horny and laugh at the same time.

13. I lost my virginity at 15 to a boy I was completely, hopelessly in love with. It was terrible and brief and hurt like hell. So did the second-and-final time we tried. It didn't make me love him any less. I think if we'd had more time, we could've had great sex. But then I think that's probably rose-colored thinking.

14. I am overweight, and this makes me feel unattractive and body-shy a lot of the time. Oddly, when we go to the club and I am scantily clad and pole dancing (in my own clumsy way) and surrounded by horny people, I feel gorgeous. It's like an entirely different world. Some of my best compliments have come from men at the club. I realize they probably just want to fuck me, but even that fact is pretty damn flattering.

15. We've toyed with BDSM a little bit. My husband likes to be treated roughly, and I'm finding that I like dominating him. I don't know that I could do it with someone I didn't know extremely well, though. I feel too nice and accommodating to be a real across-the-board domme. Though I find watching other people do it to be very arousing. A man in rope bondage makes me instantly horny.

16. I firmly believe that sexuality is fluid and can change over time. Or over people. And as long as everything is consensual and everyone is being safe and having fun, any kind of sex is wonderful. I wish more people could see that.

17. Trans people fascinate me, though I only know one personally (that I'm aware of). Though he might qualify more as genderqueer (again with the terminology), I don't know. He doesn't mind being called a he, but he looks better in a skirt than I do. His legs go for miles. We've talked to him and his wife about maybe playing with us, but it hasn't happened yet. She's gorgeous, too.

18. I haven't "come out" to hardly anyone about our bi-swinging-adventures. I've told only one RL friend (but they're not a very close friend), and one of my writing partners whom I love. More people know, because my husband has a big mouth (and is forever trying to get ladies to hook me up with), but I've been very quiet about it. I'm afraid of getting judged, and I hate that I am, but it's there anyway. Though I did inform my OB/GYN and she was incredibly casual and accepting of it. I love her.

19. I don't know how to flirt with women. My attempts so far have been totally awkward and not effective. They make me much more nervous than men do, and I can't help feeling like I'm constantly comparing myself, looks-wise. I wish I could boost my confidence, because I know confidence is sexy.

20. I think my mother would die if she knew any of this about me, and that makes me a little sad. Not even to mention my 92-year-old grandmother. My family isn't uber-conservative, but extremely hetero-normative.

21. I very much want to have a baby, but I also don't want to have to stop fulfilling my sexual urges in this way. I hope when it happens, we can find a good balance. I worry about that sometimes.

22. Most everybody who knows me would probably be shocked about all this. I have been told multiple times that I "look innocent," and a lot of people seem surprised when I get candid about other things. Sometimes I just want to blurt it out to someone random, like a co-worker, just to see their reaction.

23. My husband and I are 420-friendly. Being high just makes sex all the more incredible. We've had two awesome nights with another bi couple, smoking up and drinking wine and everyone playing with everyone.

24. I was married once before, at 19, to a man who was emotionally abusive to me and cut my self esteem down into tiny little pieces. He was very sexually repressed and kept me that way as well. Sex was never fun with him. I developed Issues. I got away after two years of marriage and felt like I had been set free from a cage. Looking back, it feels entirely like someone else's life, not mine. That wasn't me. Sometimes I want to call him up, tell him every "unnatural" and "depraved" thing that I do, tell him I've never been happier, and that he can choke on my big strap-on cock. I never do, though.

25. I feel very lucky to be where I am sexually, and it can only go uphill from here, I feel sure.