Thursday, November 24, 2011

1. I am a 19-year-old cisgendered female. I am, at least theoretically, pansexual and have identified as such since I was about 14.

2. I said theoretically in (1) because I only had my first kiss in June this year, and I've never had any more extensive sexual contact with another person. This is slightly frustrating to me because I'm really tactile and I love hugging my friends and sitting on their laps. I don't know how to initiate sexual contact. It is this huge mystery to me.

3. My first kiss happened in a club. I was telling a friend-of-a-friend that I'd never been kissed, and she asked if I wanted to. It was a lot easier than I had built up in my head. She was awesome. I slept with her, in a purely literal sense, and we cuddled. She stood me up a few times, later on, and I gave up on her. I don't regret it at all.

4. I have only ever orgasmed maybe once when masturbating, which I've been doing since I was maybe 13. It was right when I started doing it, and hasn't happened since. I don't know if I'm just "doing it wrong," if it's impossible for me to get off alone or if I just can't orgasm. I'm kind of scared that it's the last one.

5. I usually masturbate when I'm reading slash. The descriptions of the sex scenes turn me on, and the masturbation is secondary. I usually stop when I am tired out and messy. I don't orgasm, but it's still satisfying.

6. I think I'm polyamorous. The idea of having only one partner and neither of you being allowed to have any other sexual or romantic relationships has always been a little baffling to me, especially because my high school friends paraded an endless display of failed monogamy.

7. I've been, in real life, attracted to a lot more girls than guys. I think it's because I went to an all-girl school and am more physically comfortable in the presence of girls. I didn't really have proper male friends until varsity.

8. I was in love with my best friend in high school. She had a plethora of boyfriends, but I don't think she was entirely straight. She used to bite the tips of my fingers because somehow she realised that her biting me turned me on. It was like a game. We used to sit in the back row during one of our classes with a third friend and feel each other up. She pushed me up against a wall once and I thought (hoped) she'd kiss me, but we were interrupted. I haven't seen her in two years but she recently got in touch with me and wants to meet up. I'm worried that I'm still in love with her.

9. I really, really like the idea of being pushed up against a wall and kissed.

10. I think I might be submissive. I don't know to what degree, or if it's just an expression of my lack of practical sex knowledge. I like the idea of being held down and fucked. I like the idea of sitting on the floor next to someone, with my head on their lap. I like the idea of obeying an order, not because I have to or will be punished if I don't, but just to please someone. I don't know if these are just idle fantasies or deeper kinks.

11. I like the idea of walking around all day with something inside me, because I was told to. To remind me that someone cares about me and is thinking of me, and to remind me of them. I like the idea of all my normal interactions being part of an extended sex game.

12. I think I might want someone to control me to counterbalance my own lack of self-control.

13. In contrast to (9), I don't think I'm masochistic. I have a really low pain tolerance. But I want to try, to see.

14. I feel like I haven't come into my sexual identity yet and it frustrates me to think of all the sex I could be having. I always feel more connected to someone when I'm physically close to them. I think I'll adore sex.

15. I don't think sex has to be romantic, but I do want there to be a level of respect. I don't want anonymous sex (at this point).

16. Possibly as a byproduct of the amount of gay porn I read, I have quite a fascination with anal play. I really want to be rimmed, even though the practical aspects of it gross me out a little.

17. I am currently crushing on this girl who already has a girlfriend, kind of. They've been playing around for months, casually, but I went on a date with her before they were officially going out. She stipulated that their relationship had to be open, but I'm not sure how happy or comfortable her girlfriend is with that.

18. It worries me that I don't really care what the aforementioned girlfriend thinks too much. I, certainly, am not at all bothered. People keep asking if she's my girlfriend "yet," as if that is the only possible end-goal. I don't think she's a fan of commitment. I don't know if she'll ever be my girlfriend. There will certainly never be anything on Facebook, because you can't link yourself to more than one person, and I wouldn't be the person she chose if she did put anything up.

19. I've made a lot of first moves in the quasi-relationship-thing. I told her I liked her. I asked her out. I invited her to a party. I kissed her. (And that was nerve-wracking.) I'm not sure I'm comfortable with being even a little dominant in this relationship, but I think she's worth trying it out. I'm maybe hoping, a little, that she'll take over control soonish. She's older than me (21), and a lot more sexually experienced (not that that's hard).

20. I have no desire to wear a strap-on, but the idea of being fucked by a girl with a strap-on is somewhat appealing.

21. I have group-sex fantasies. I am really turned on by the idea of double penetration, while also sucking someone off. I like the idea of being filled and used. But I'd really need to trust the participants. I don't know if it's something I could ever actually do.

22. I think I might like semi-public sex, or being watched. There is something intriguing about being sexual in front of or near other people that really turns me on. Sometimes I masturbate next to my window, with the curtains open. If my neighbors were on the roof for some reason, or somehow able to see over the wall, they would see me.

23. I have never felt or seen an erect penis in real life. I kind of want to, and I'm intrigued by the idea of giving head. I think I'd like knowing that I turned someone on that visibly. That having been said, I am not sexually attracted to any of the guys in my social circle at the moment. I've been attracted to a few guys before but they were either not interested in me or assholes, sometimes both.

24. I am platonically in love with two of my friends at the moment, one male and one female. I'm not really sure that I could ever explain that to them. While there is actually no sexual component to my feelings for them, I am extremely happy when I am around them, far more than any of my other friends. I am exceptionally concerned for their happiness. My chest kind of aches a little just thinking about them, because they are absolutely amazing. I don't know if anyone else has this degree of non-sexualized love for their friends. I don't know if they realise how in love with them I am.

25. I am totally comfortable with my own body, despite the fact that I should probably exercise more for purely health-related reasons. I can't wait to have someone else touch me and kiss me, and yet I have this latent fear that there is something weird about me that I haven't realized, that will put someone else off.