Wednesday, November 21, 2012

1. I'm pansexual, an equal opportunist, though I don't believe "gender doesn't matter." It does matter-- it just matters less than the soul; and it is something to play with, not a restriction. I'm female-but-genderfluid.

2. My first and most powerful attractions were to beautiful, feminine men. I still hope I will find one someday; most male androgynes I've met are gay.

3. Regardless,  I find many more women than men attractive in both a physical and personal dimension. Walking down the street is overwhelming.

4. Somehow, I am still effectively equal-opportunity: this makes the fewer men I find attractive stand out all the more. Which, on top of sheer numbers, is possibly the reason that my three major relationships have been with men.

5. Those relationships have overlapped. I'm polyamorous. I'm still with the person to whom I lost my virginity.

6. I find roping girls arduous. I have casual sex with them, but I've never had a girlfriend, to my immeasurable disappointment.

7. With all sexes, I am profoundly gynocentric. I like cocks a lot, but sex, to me, is about vaginas. Mine or other people's, it doesn't matter which. Sex with men is about the cock's reaction to a vagina. I can't fathom finding my own pussy disgusting-- I'm honestly a bit sad for the women who do. I relish my body and what it does for me. (This is speaking generally, of course. I'm sure I'd have no problem having sex with an attractive transgendered person if the opportunity arose.)

8. Perhaps related: I have dominant tendencies. I feel most feminine when I am dominant. I think this is because, after a lifetime of encouragement to subsume my desires, I relish expressing them. That and I like to make someone feel... perhaps “objectified” is not the word: I mean something more like “cherished.” But with a harsh edge to it. I don't feel much in common with the BDSM scene-- this dominance doesn't have anything to do with a fetish for latex, feet, or degradation-by-feminizing men (which is honestly insulting to me).

9. If you burrow under the strata of my generosity, absentmindedness, and generally friendly disposition, you'll find an insane sexual sadist in me. Drawing blood turns me on. I have never acted on those desires.

10. A lot of women are submissive; and some resent me because I'm more dominant. If I'm honest, their sexuality skeeves me out as well, but ultimately I blame fucked-up gender dynamics for that reaction. Obviously there's nothing wrong with what they want, or what I want.

11. Though if one of my boyfriends wanted to tie me up, I think I might be amenable to that as long as it were an exercise in trust and love and I weren't made to feel submissive.

12. My masculine side wants to be gallant, heroic, boyish, rakish. One of my long-term fantasies is the elegant older woman and the pageboy (with me in the latter role, of course).

13. One of my boyfriends goes well out of his way to acknowledge and respect the genderqueer side of me, despite being hetero, and I am so, so grateful to him.

14. Gynocentric as I am, I still love strap-on play-- with women, but also with straight men. It's intoxicating to see a man orgasm in that position.

15. I was raised religiously with a powerful sense of how sexist the world can be. Becoming comfortable with my sexuality has taken time. When I was masturbating as a teenager, the idea of sex with the man behind me was repulsive: it felt degrading. When I tried it, though, it felt natural, and of course quite pleasurable. There have been a lot of incidents like that, but occasionally I'll try something that sounds iffy to me and freak out afterwards. I still can't give a guy head when he's towering over me, and I would probably stop altogether if he tried to face-fuck me (none of my boyfriends have tried it, thank god).

16. This is also so odd given what I've said, but one of my oldest recurring fantasies involves imagining myself in the male role of sex, both with other men and women.

17. I'd absolutely love to dominate a pair of bisexual (or bi/homo-curious) men. One of my favorite bits of porn features this, and it was incredibly heartening to see how many gay dudes responded favorably to it.

18. I'm becoming sad about my age, though I'm still in my twenties. As a woman, I feel as though I have a hard expiration date, and I resent the fact that I was most desired when I was jailbait and vulnerable and so, so much less knowledgeable about who I am, what I want, and how to get it.

19. I'm afraid of sex losing its novelty. In long-term relationships, I'd prefer to only have sex two or three times a week, though I have the appetite for more. A sense of anticipation is an amazing aphrodisiac, but I don't want to be howling at the moon every night.

20. The idea of actively desiring someone, as a female, is important to me. So much of the way we think of female desire is desire as the result of being desired by men, if that makes any sense, and I can't stand it. I actively lust after people, and after sex.

21. The loss of my libido I experienced while taking birth control fucked with me (ironic pun intended). I was on it for a year and a half and in that half, my sex drive died. It felt as though a part of me was lost. To regain it I changed my diet, began lifting, and began manipulating my hormones through nutrition and supplements. I've regained my old libido and then some (and now I can manipulate it!).

22. Masturbation is an important part of my sexual life and sexual exploration, but I can't help but hate a lot of porn. I know much of it is harmless, but each of my boyfriends have had sex problems as the result of it,  and I can't help but resent the rotating cast of skinny white 18 -year-olds that makes up so much of the porn roster. I just wish that     more realistic and inventive porn were more popular.

23. That said, I totally consume porn, both video and in the form of dirty fanfic, haha. I don't have anything against it on principle.

24. I do like vanilla heterosexual sex quite a lot. It's odd: I love the drama of heterosexual sex, the anticipation of penetration, the reverence I get, how vulnerable men are. But with women I feel more myself, and I feel that fucking gender is less dangerous. With men, there is always the risk of emasculation. I hate the whole phenomenon of emasculation-- I hate the inherent sexism of it-- but I also love and respect the boys I've been with and have no desire to damage their pride. They can't help that they were raised with certain expectations.

25. I guess that's why I want a feminine boy sometime. I want an ultimate triumph over gender. I want someone as fluid as I am.