Tuesday, December 4, 2012

1. I am a 20-year-old, heterosexual, White British, cis female who is a virgin.

2. I have never had a "formal" sex education class, apart from brief discussions of the biological aspects of reproduction and some general "abortions and contraception are evil" talks. Everything else I’ve learned has been from the Internet, and there’s a lot of "basic" stuff I’ve only just learned in the last year or so. I am rather sheltered. My parents never gave me "the talk."

3. I wonder if anyone will ever find me attractive. The only time people have tried to state things to me has been when they’ve been using me as an object of ridicule.On one occasion a few years back, I ran into two of my childhood bullies. They hadn’t changed, and were going out of their way, still, after all these years, to make me uncomfortable. Another occasion was someone who followed me over a railway bridge near my home bugging me for my phone number the whole way. I unfortunately seem to notice every single one of my physical flaws, and my main area is actually my arms, not my stomach, which is surprising.

4. When I was in secondary school, I was inappropriately touched on my inner thigh by a student who was older than I. He apparently did it on a dare. And no, my school didn’t really do anything, even after my mum kept me out of school for a week until they ‘sorted’ things out. I’ve noticed the memory creeping back on me over the last year or so, when I thought for the most part I’d buried it away.

5. I’m not sure if I want a relationship for the sake of being a ‘thing’ that everyone is meant to have and/or if I’m just generally wanting the companionship and affection that tends to come along with it, as I tend to be a rather solitary person.

6. I was a ‘late bloomer’--when I was a child and everyone started gushing about boyfriends/girlfriends, I wasn’t interested, I only got somewhat ‘interested’ in my mid-teens. Even then, I’ve never had much of a sex drive.

7.  I wonder if I’ll ever be emotionally stable enough for a long term relationship.

8. I’ve only ‘properly’ masturbated once, but I don’t know if I did it right, as it didn’t seem to work.

9. The thought of actually having sex honestly terrifies me.

10. I was raised Christian, so I was brought up to believe that ‘sex is not for outside marriage.' I think to some extent I still stick to that belief, even if I’m not really a believer anymore (or at the least, ‘no sex unless in a long-term, committed relationship'), but my general overall view is something along the lines of ‘do what you want provided that you’re safe and consensual.’

11. I feel at constant conflict with how feminine I am and how I’m ‘meant’ to be. I honestly do not know ‘how’ to be feminine.

12. I have never had any form of romantic experience (including kissing).

13. I don’t seem to have ever had a ‘crush’ on someone I actually know/have met. The only crushes I have had have been famous people or fictional characters.

14. I am stupidly self-conscious, not just about my appearance but it seems every aspect of me. I got bullied and generally excluded a lot as a child. I have never gotten the hang of being ‘social.’ I never know how to act around people. I am also dyspraxic, so I’ve always been self-conscious that I am not ‘normal,’ and have a feeling that people pick up on it.

15. Visual porn doesn’t seem to have much effect on me, but saying that, well-written sex scenes have some effect on me (most, though, I’ve found in M-rated fan-fiction, ahem).

16. I feel incredibly awkward if I get stuck in a conversation about sex. Once a classmate’s boyfriend caught onto this and purposely kept talking about it to make me squirm.

17. I think one of the reasons I haven’t had a boyfriend is due to my rather small social circle. I am shy and introverted so I steer away from a lot of ‘social’ places, and I am not comfortable in such places. I am honestly my own worst enemy in that regard.

18. I have tried online dating, but I don’t think it’s for me. I got inundated with requests from people who didn’t seem to read my profile. I had one person I seemed to maybe have a chance with, but I have a bad feeling I made things go sour.

19. On the one hand, rom-coms and ‘romantic’ movies in general make me want to throw up, and I criticize how inaccurate they are, and I can’t stand to watch them--yet I still like the idea of romantic gestures and ‘old fashioned’ courting and would actually really love to be slightly doted on like that at least once.

20. I’ve had an ‘imaginary boyfriend,' or at least a random imaginary guy my mind conjured up to try and see what my ‘ideal’ person would be.

21. I’ve never really been attracted to ‘macho’ guys. I also have a bit of a thing for red hair, and long hair, and green eyes, yet I’ve never really liked guys with blond hair.

22. The thought of giving someone a blowjob honestly squicks me out a fair deal.

23. I don’t think I could ever have sex with someone I didn’t have feelings for.

24. Whoever I end up having sex with, I’d need to trust them completely.

25. I’ve noticed I have a thing for guys wearing eyeliner, and guys with nice eyes in general.