Wednesday, December 5, 2012

1. I'm a 35-year-old woman from Spain. Lesbian, heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual.... blup... I've never liked to define myself in terms of sexuality, or even gender, but social interactions have been forcing me to since I was born.

2. When i was a child, until I was 9 or 10 years old, I secretly wanted to be a boy. Once playing on the fields of the school, on break time, a girl approached me
 and asked me if I wanted to be a male. I was wearing a red dress, very feminine, and charol shoes. I lied consciously to her. I was 6, and I already was aware of social mental rigid conceptions of gender in this world.

3. Now I am a very attractive, feminine girl, thin, athletic, with long blonde hair and a sweet face. Also I think of myself as someone androgynous. I play the female card, and I guess people see mainly the feminine in me, even though I still feel that I reflect to the outside this little girl that wanted to be "macho."

4. When some people drive me crazy trying to define my sexuality, I answer to them that I'm a gay guy in a body of a women that fucks women. It really bothers  me, this mental blockade that most people have in their minds, but at the same time I'm compassionate with them. I feel more comfort, in terms of sexuality, with my bisexual, or homosexual, or transsexual friends, because all these things are already understood, but I do love all my friends.

5. I came out of the closet to my father and to my brother at the age of 14.

6. I lost my virginity with a man at 14 also.

7. I lost my virginity with a women at 15.

8. At 19 I fell for a guy, and then I had to get out of the closet again, but this time the heterosexual one, because everybody thought of me as a lesbian. Then I decided to not define myself any more.

9. I have been with 150-170 different people, more or less. Males and females. All of them before 27. After that I was in a monogamous relationship with a women with 2 kids for 7 years, and after that, maybe 5-6 people.

10. I've had a threesome a few times. Sexually, it can work. Twice, I've been in an emotional threesome, and at the end it becomes a disaster, even
 though the last one ended up becoming that 7-year relationship.

11. I was in a foursome once: 2 women, one male and me. Too much stress.

12. I've had four long term relationships: with a man for 3 years, a woman for 2 years, another women for 2 years, and another women for 7 years. The first two were not monogamous.

13. I think I have never really fallen in love with a man, and I wonder if one day I will. I would like to, and I think I am capable of it. I guess it's never happened because i wasn't lucky with the males that I found. I was close to it twice, but I don't know. I keep myself open. I really like women, and the feeling of falling in love with a woman, when it comes, feels easy and natural.

14. I don't like it from behind. It is painful for me. With one or two fingers is OK. I would like to be in love with someone with the patience and the eagerness for doing it to me. But I need love to open on a certain level.

15. I like toys. But I can only use them when I feel very comfortable with someone, and that means being in love too. Or a really, really good friendship, and long-term lover.

16. All these sexual experiences gave me an open view of life. I was always searching for what love is (I know it sounds weird with that number of people, but in a way that was the ignition inside of me), or how many forms love can take.

17. With time I became more respectful with myself, and more picky. Now it's hard for me to open sexually to someone if there's no friendship at least, and a good friendship. But there are so many things that I need to be there at the same time:  good chemistry, an open mind, capacity of feeling, no shame, adventure for discovery...

18. Some times I don't let anyone get close to me. These periods can be 5-6 months long, or even longer, but i consider myself too young for celibacy, so I "force" myself to open a bit to sexual lovers, even if it's not exactly-exactly what I am looking for. Usually I pick up male partners for this.

19. Sex and emotions go together for me, but sometimes it's amazing how far away the emotions that I relate to some sexual experiences can be to the reality of whom I have in front of me. Projections. The intensity of good sex can give blindness. Not love, as is said.

20. Sometimes i feel like a man, sometimes i feel like a women. (Inside myself, not related to any action, not related to how I look.)

21. I like to fuck with men as if I was a man myself, and then change the role, and be fucked like a woman by a man. With women I become softer and stronger at the same time. I like when a women takes me, and seduces me, and forces me aggressively. And i like to do the same to them.

22. I started to masturbate when I was 2 or 3. I still do it in the same way as when I started when I was a child, face down with my fingers on my clit, and the sheet in the middle. At the age of 6 i realized that it was better to not do it in front of anybody, a bit later I realized that this thing that I was doing was actually what the adults call masturbation.

23. By myself, I prefer to have clitoral orgasms, and I like them in the shower too. If I am with someone, it does not matter if it's a women or a man, i prefer to have a vaginal orgasm. I'm multi-orgasmic both ways.

24. To get to have a vaginal and a clitoral orgasm at the same time, I need to be with a partner that I've known for a long time. If not, I cannot open up.

25. I like to talk about sex, but usually I have to be careful in which way I do it. If I am with a heterosexual male friend I talk about certain things, and I avoid others. If I am with a heterosexual female, the same. With a bisexual male I can be a little more open, but also not totally open; with a lesbian friend also... and so on. It's nice to just be me, and to just talk free freely.