Friday, February 13, 2009

1. The first thing I ever used to masturbate (by squeezing my thighs around something pressed against me) was a rope swing. Second, my blankie. Third, a pole on the playground and the avocado tree in my backyard. Then I moved onto insertable things like hairbrush handles and nail polish bottles. Unfortunately, there was one nail polish bottle that I used with a sharp edge at the top, and it cut me up a bit. Years later, I had a gyno ask me tentatively why there was so much scar tissue in my vagina. I blamed Revlon.

2. In high school, I wouldn't commit to anyone about if I were gay or straight. Not even to myself. I just called myself "open" and let people think what they would. So, that's how I was treated as a gay for a year. It sucked! I've still not really committed, but if statistics mean anything, I'm pretty damned hetero.

3. I like my breasts handled roughly, but I loathe nipple torture. I've only used my safeword a couple of times and once was because there were what felt like two tiny, live alligator/pit bull hybrids latched onto them.

4. About the safeword, I don't really put myself into those situations anymore, but I liked the concept a lot. Sometimes I wish there was a safeword for emotional masochists, like me. My favorite safeword was actually an 8 gauge silver ring that I held in my hand. Since I wasn't able to speak or vocalize anything, if it was too much, I was to drop the ring.

5. I lost my virginity in the back of a car, while listening to the soundtrack of a movie that featured Kevin Costner and a bunch of wolves. The boy was wearing a lime green pair of bikini undies.

6. Breath control excites me and has ever since a pre-teen slumber party during which we tried to make ourselves pass out.

7. I've written m-preg slash fiction. Twice. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's when a gay male character gets mysteriously pregnant.

8. I am really, REALLY bad at talking dirty. I feel like I could be great at it, with the right person, but I've found that if I just go on sexy auto-pilot and talk dirty to someone else like I talk dirty in my head ... it's awful. Awkward and stilted at best, upsetting and boner-killing at worst.

9. The first threesome I had was also in a car, but this time it was while listening to the theme from Shaft. The M in our MFF threesome was a not-super-famous pro-skateboarder who wound up talking about the whole ridiculous experience (see later items in this list) in a big, glossy skateboarding magazine. He didn't mention our names, but it was pretty clear to anyone who knew him (or me) who he was talking about.

10. I've only had one guy plead "gay" to me, when faced with my courting attempts. We hooked up a couple of times, he pleaded gay, and then he hooked up with a girl who could fit into Bebe. I guess he was just being polite? I've never pleaded gay, though, for the record. Possibly because I'm not gay, but ... still. I used to sort of fetishize gay dudes for my self—you know, the whole challenge aspect—but it ended with that experience.

11. I think that the sexual position of lying on your stomach with your ass lifted off the bed/floor/whatever, ideally with a fistful of your hair captured into someone's hand, is really underrated. It's like, a step up from missionary in complexity, but oh lord.

12. I use porn when I can't think of anything good. I always have. Sometimes, I am full of fantasies and it's months of very little internet porn. But other times, like recently, I watch porn so I don't have to think about anyone in specific.

13. Regarding porn, I don't download it. I don't see the point. There are streaming little snippets and full movies everywhere and I don't typically rewatch anything. I like very little plot or foreplay, so my viewing sessions skip around a lot. This makes for sort of listless orgasms, sadly, but a lack of imagination makes for a listless orgasm anyway.

14. Sometimes my fantasies are so fucking awful and depraved and illegal and immoral and person-specific that I can't tell if I'm turned on, or if I'm about to break down and sob. It's almost impossible to relate these fantasies to anyone, mostly because there's typically a lot of backstory, and even if it were possible, I don't think I want to. Being asked what I'm thinking is terrifying. I usually lie.

15. There's a scene in The Entity, starring Barbara Hershey, that served as my favorite sex scene for a couple of months. If you don't know the movie, it's a semi-true story about a woman who was raped (violently, repeatedly) by a ghost in her house.

16. Not too long ago, I met a guy on a dating service and chatted with him for a few days. We made plans to meet, specifically for sex, so I didn't see any harm in letting him direct me via IM (from his work) while I masturbated for him on cam. It was all very hot, but on the day we were supposed to meet at a hotel, he disappeared completely.

17. Most of the mainstream stuff that I'm supposed to think is sexy, I do not. But every now and then, I'll see a pair of shoes or a hairstyle or a smirk, and there's something about its undefinable, innate sexiness that makes me wet.

18. I'm soppy. Almost all the time, but constantly and copiously when I've got someone that I'm fantasizing about. However, there's something about my girljuice that totally EATS the fabric of my underwear. Seriously. I don't know if I'm acidic or what. So, you know, there's good news and bad news there.

19. Mainstream fetishes don't really work for me, either. If a guy wanted to worship my feet, I'd kinda skeeve out on him. If he wanted me to wear a schoolgirl outfit, I might oblige, but if he wanted to roleplay teacher/student, I don't think I could hang. A one-night-stand recently wanted me to call him daddy during sex and all I can say is that it's a good thing it was dark in my room and that I was facing away from him, because I could barely contain my laughter.

20. I've just recently realized that I'm super turned on by the "sleeping beauty" trope of a guy messing around with a girl as she sleeps, or is otherwise unconscious. Not too long after this realization, I experienced a memory of playing pretend with my childhood best friend (a lesbian, even back then) in which I was a wife who kept passing out and had to be carried everywhere and performed sex acts while sleeping. I don't know what it means, but I suspect "lazy."

22. There are a half a dozen photos of me naked floating around in the world, very few of them digital. There are no movies, as far as I know, and I've been watched (by a not-involved person in the same room) as I had sex only three times—again, as far as I know.

23. I like sex on drugs. If I hadn't been vomiting so violently, I think I would have liked doing it while on peyote.

24. My favorite voyeurism (print, media, in-person) experiences usually peak out while centered on the unselfconscious expression on a girl's face that makes it clear that this is a) not very comfortable, b) not very fun, or c) not at all what she agreed to/was expecting.

25. I wasn't sexually abused as a child. I have no idea why I'm so dirty and why my fantasies are so abusive.