Monday, December 28, 2009

1. I just turned 20 and I am still a total virgin.

2. I don't meet any of the virgin girl stereotypes: I'm not religious, I don't have moral issues with sex, I'm not unattractive and I get hit on a lot. I have a bit of a bad girl reputation with my smoking/drinking/swearing, so people tend to assume I'm pretty experienced. I always have trouble discussing my virginity.

3. Like I have inhibitions about discussing sex, I've always had a lot of inhibitions about actually having it. Every time I've had a chance to hook up, I've either turned it down or chickened out.

4. I used to think this was because I was asexual, but I don't think I am. I think I'm just afraid of intimacy.

5. Due to this fear, I suppose, I've only had one real boyfriend. We never went further than hand-up-the-shirt, but for some reason I feel gross about having him touch me when I didn't really like him that much.

6. Despite all this - I feel like my virginity is a burden, and I have a horrible fear of being a virgin forever. Weird dilemma, right? Sometimes I wish I could just fast-forward through sex and get it over with so I'd be deflowered and done with it.

7. I'm also intimidated by the sexual expectations for women these days. We have to look smokin' hot, work it on top, give great blowjobs. What's a poor virgin girl to do? 'Lie back and think of England' seems almost charming in comparison.

8. I've concluded that I need to lose my virginity in a one-night stand while exceedingly drunk. I have standards, though - the guy has to be 1) attractive and 2) very considerate. Couple these with my lack of time to party, and it may be a long time.

9. There probably won't be blood the first time, either - I popped my cherry as a kid during gymnastics.

10. I have zero interest in porn. I have given it a try, but I find it either laughable or boring.

11. I am rarely interested in my hand, either. Maybe I am less sexual than normal.

12. Or maybe it's just my weird concepts of sexuality. I am very, very attracted to male dominance. Sometimes I feel guilty about this like it makes me a bad feminist.

13. On top of that, my interests hold for nothing egalitarian in the bedroom. I have no desire to receive oral sex, be on top, or play the dominatrix. I'd rather the man be in charge of everything and I like the idea of mock rape, bondage, masochism, submission. Horrible feminism, right? But we can't change our desires.

14. Even though my tastes run along the BDSM spectrum, I can't imagine myself ever being part of the fetish community. While I respect them with all my heart, something about it - the crazy vinyl outfits, the public shows and discussions, the rules - seems very comical to me, and that ruins all the fun.

15. I feel like I'm not sexually liberated enough to be a modern feminist woman. But would it really be liberation if I forced myself to do something simply for its own sake?

16. I'm jealous of 'liberated' women - strippers, burlesque dancers, sex-worker advocates, feminist porn writers. They all have something I don't, and sometimes I feel like I'm their enemy - like I'm a repressed woman, giving in to the patriarchy. But, like I said - we can't change our desires.

17. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only straight girl who doesn't have bi-curious impulses. All my female friends have/want to 'experiment', even with me, but I've never had any interest in it. I think girls are attractive, but it's a purely aesthetic thing.

18. Though, once I had a dream where I was making out with Greta Garbo. It was hot.

19. I have a mad passion for sexy lingerie. I love thigh high stockings, garter belts, frilly panties, corsets. I also secretly adore skanky stripper shoes and thigh-high boots.

20. I think penises are kind of ugly. But I like them as a symbol of power.

21. Power is the sexiest thing in the world. I have had several crushes on bosses and profs. I tend to go for older men, too, so it's a horrible double-whammy. I never act on my impulses, though - there's too much that can go wrong.

22. The only thing as sexy as power? A nice foreign accent.

23. I am very attracted to SS uniforms. Not only are they the most attractive military uniform, but the SS officer is the pinnacle of male dominance and power - and German accents are hot. I think this is a horrible, horrible thing to be attracted to, and I feel very, very guilty about it. But, once again - we can't change our desires.

24. What we do have control over, however, is our choices. I have chosen to never, ever, ever watch The Night Porter.

25. I feel better having written about this, since I never discuss my sexuality in real life. Looking back on what I've written - it's probably a good thing.