Sunday, January 10, 2010

1. I've been wanting to write this list for ages but have only now gathered the courage to do so. It's one of my secret New Year's goals.

2. I'm 19 years old and still a virgin. It's funny because I do not fit the sterotypes for a virgin at all; I'm not religious nor asexual. I consider myself to be outgoing (in most situations), fun and attractive (albeit slightly curvy) and I'm smart too. I don't tend to put myself out there when I'm at parties because now that I've waited this long, I don't feel like it should be blown on some random fuck at a party. It's not like I want to be married or even wait until I know that the person is "the one" but I at least want some sort of connection before I engage in that sort of activity.

3. The thing is, is that those types of connections aren't happening in my life. I can't say that I've ever had a real boyfriend which would probably boggle your mind if you knew me in real life. I think a combination of certain factors contributes to my lack of love life, which includes: moving around (which makes it hard to make friends let alone a boyfriend), being branded a lesbian/feminist in highschool, my lack of self-confidence, my shyness around boys that I like a lot and my strong independence which tends to scare most guys away.

4. When people find out that I don't have a boyfriend they are genuinely surprised and that pisses me off even more because I really do not know what it is that I'm doing wrong. It's not that some boys aren't interested it's just that I never like them enough to follow through with a relationship. I think that deep down, I'm scared of relationships and letting people into my world. I trick myself into thinking that I'm ready for a relationship but when the opportunity comes knocking, I run away.

5. When I was in middle school I had little crushes on many boys in my grade. One boy in particular caught my attention and we would sometimes talk on the phone and have "phone sex" (if you can even call it that). Once, at a birthday party, we were dared to "go into the shower" and do all sorts of things, and my friend at the time got jealous and began to cry. She was thinner than me and this is when I began to develop my body issues. She once told me that I had a flat bum and it's influenced me ever since.

6. I don't consider myself a lesbian but most of my sexual experiences have happened with females. Towards the end of middle school I had a friend and we would experiment with each other. I loved the feelings that I got but I never enjoyed the kissing part. Fast-forward to my last year of highschool when I made out with a guy and I still did not enjoy the kissing.

7. In most ways, I am more afraid of actually kissing than I am of, say, giving head. I think that maybe kissing implies a closer connection than simply getting someone off.

8. Since I haven't had a boyfriend, I've learned to rely on myself. Sexually speaking, I am very comfortable talking about masturbation with my friends. I think that pleasure is so beautiful and I'm happy to know that I've explored my body so that I know what types of things that I respond to. I'm not drawn to anything that is crude or explicit; I become easily turned off by anything "hardcore." While watching porn, I like to see natural images and a genuine enjoyment in the union of two people.

9. Like I said before, I don't consider myself a lesbian but I am drawn to lesbain porn. Perhaps this means that I am a lesbian? Who even knows? My best friend once said "You will be with someone who you feel a connection with, be it a man or woman." I remember feeling peaceful after he said that. Since I haven't had any real boyfriends, my mom thinks I'm a lesbian. I know that she would probably be okay with it but I think that I would know if I was a lesbian or not.

10. Perhaps I just won't define myself. I think that maybe I should just live my life and not care about whether someone is a man or a woman.

11. I have so much to learn about myself. It's exciting to know that I have this whole side of me that I get to explore one day.

12. This summer while traveling, I saw two women who were beautiful and confident. They were together and I've thought about them ever since. I could be in a relationship like that... but the sterotypical "butch" woman wouldn't be for me.

13. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm always attracted to a more "feminine" male. At my work there is a 17 year-old male who I am so attracted to. His face is so beautiful and his demeanor is so soft and calm, and recently I've felt his energy combine with my own. I feel so horrible for even thinking this way seeing as he is so young.

14. Over the past few months I've been feeling myself transform my mind and body to become more comfortable in my skin. It's been a long journey and it's still not over. Part of the reason why I wanted to write this list is because my old self would never write this out. Now, I'm learning to come to terms with myself, my sexuality, my body. It's a beautiful thing and It's exciting.

15. Sometimes I wish that I could have a threesome for my first time. Nothing in my life is ever "traditional" and I feel as if I'm always in a state of change or "newness" and so having a threesome (MFF) would just be another kick at "tradition". I would need a connection with both people first, though, and that would be hard to do.

16. Writing this list is ridiculously hard when you have no stories to tell.

17. I can't explain the feeling of relief that I get when I read other people's list and they are my age and still a virgin. Sometimes I feel as if I'm the only one in this world who isn't having a good romp in the bed every night. It also makes me feel like less of a freak.

18. Even though I am still a virgin, I instinctively know that I will be an amazing lover. I have no idea how I know this, but for some reason, I just know. Although I've spent many years pleasuring myself, I am so eager to make someone feel true bliss. That excites me more than anything. To know that I can make someone feel that way.

19. I think that making love on the earth would be the most amazing experience. Two people coming together, natural and free amongst the sky and trees and dirt and grass. It would be like going back to our roots and connecting ourselves with life.

20. I also think that making love on a huge canvas with lots of paint would be the ultimate expression of love. One day I intend to do this with the one I love and hang it somewhere in our home so that it's our own little secret when family and friends come over for visits. They will ask "where did you get the painting?" and we will lie and say "an art gallery".

21. I like that I've been able to develop my own personality and independence and feel comfortable in knowing that I can be my own person. When I fall in love, I will be me. I will be a great catch for some lucky person out there.

22. Surprisingly, I don't feel pressured to be "hardcore" or be kinky. I feel that most people tend to exaggerate their experiences anyway and sex is more about love and union and lust and being silly, rather than being "hardcore." In my opinion, anyway.

23. But who knows, maybe I will end up having completely different views in a few years time.

24. I like knowing that people from all walks of life will be reading this.

25. I can't believe I'm actually going to send this.