Thursday, April 22, 2010

1. I have an amazing mother; I think I get my positive attitude about sex from her. She explained sex to me as a natural, biological process and has always been supportive of me expressing my sexuality safely.

2. When I told her me and my boyfriend were doing more then kissing she just wanted to know if I needed condoms. Having her nonchalant approval really boosted my confidence and made me feel empowered. I fully realized that I am in control of my own sexuality and can do whatever is best for me.

3. I'm absolutely terrified about getting pregnant, probably because I was the result of an unplanned pregnancy. I'm lucky because my boyfriend is understanding of this and careful. If/when I have sex I am totally going on the pill. (Thank you feminist movement for all the wonderful options I have.)

4. Paradoxically, I'm very open to sex but very picky about who I date and fool around with. I think that it makes sense to have sex for a variety of reasons and after knowing your partner for a variety of times. I also have no moral hang ups about experiencing pleasure. At the same time I need to be completely and absolutely comfortable with my partner and with the situation.

5. For this reason I've only done anything with three guys. #1 I dated briefly. We were really incompatible, but I learned a lot about what I didn't want. A couple years latter we're now good friends. #2 I had a one-night make out/grope session with at a diversity conference. We had the same sense of humor and he liked me for exactly who I was. I had fun and learned a lot about what I do want. #3 is my current boyfriend. We're in love and also totally bros, which I need. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me.

6. I'm very attracted to both girls and boys. However, I hate the label bisexual. I don't know why either. I mean being bisexual is perfectly legitimate in my mind and I admire many bisexual activists. I just can't deal with the label.

7. Girls I just plain am attracted to. I like the way they look, smell, feel, talk, think. I would love to be physical with the right girl. I've had some very very intense crushes, but they've all turned out to be incompatible with me for one reason or another so nothing has ever happened.

8. Boys I have a much more complicated relationship with. I don't find most guys (even ones commonly thought to be hot) very attractive, though I am often extremely attracted to individual guys. Also I'm much more inhibited when it comes to being romantic or physical with guys because I can't conform to heteronormative relationship dynamics. I need a guy who gives me as much independence as I want, treats me as a complete and total equal, and accepts my more masculine personality traits. This is a lot harder to come by then one might think. Many of my best guy friends are willing to accept me doing exactly what I want and treat me as an equal because I'm a friend, yet with their girlfriends (who they respect very much and treat well) there's a different type of dynamic.

9. I'm also very open to being with someone who is gender-queer, trans, or anyone who doesn't fit perfectly with the gender binary. I believe that sex and gender are very personal and accept however people express themselves. I also find people who don't conform to gender roles very attractive, even if they do it just a little bit and in subtle ways and especially if they are very comfortable with themselves.

10. I hate hate hate having to conform or follow social rules. This means, though, that I'm just as ambivalent towards countercultures (like the gay community) as I am mainstream culture. Countercultures usually have their own rules designed to keep one from being "too normal" that are just as constraining. I'm my own mix of "normal" and "weird."

11. I'm really lucky in that my two best girl friends are very open and supportive when it comes to talking about sex. One is completely inexperienced but is into porn, slash fiction, and thinking about the theory and social implication of sex. We go on feminist rants together and talk about what it means to be sex positive. My other friend has a much more traditional view of sex and relationships then I do, but she is also open and non-judgmental of other ways of being. She got a serious boyfriend about the same time I did so we share all our experiences with dating and being physical.

12. I love masturbating! I see it as a very positive activity. It helps me sleep, makes me happier, and is a way I can be nice to myself. I have a personal mission to make female masturbation as a normal, positive activity visible by being honest about my own activities. In practice, most of this campaign involves making jokes that imply that I masturbate.

13. I love the way my boyfriend treats me. He never treats me like I'm delicate. He never gets overprotective or even protective, which I really like. He doesn't go all chivalrous and lets me carry my own heavy stuff and pay my own way. Before we were going out we used to mock fight and wrestle (in a non sexual way) and we still do that. At the same time he emotionally takes care of me really well. I'm much more excitable and angsty then he is (he is one of the most happy, steady people I know.) He calms me down and cheers me up. He know tons of little ways to make me smile and be kind to me and uses them.

14. I love my body. Sometimes I get body image hell, but usually I can talk myself out of it.

15. Despite this I've always been a little hung up that I have A-cup size boobs. I've always thought "Well I have nice boobs for the size they are." My boyfriend really, really likes my boobs, which has really helped me with this issue. He's pointed out that they're proportional to the rest of my body (I'm 5 foot 1 and 100 pounds) and that shape is just as important as size.

16. I love having my boobs played with, which works out well since my boyfriend likes playing with them. If I'm relaxed I can have an orgasm just trom them being played with.

17. My boyfriend is really affectionate and cuddly, but doesn't PDA too much. I love the feeling of
just being curled up with him. He smells really good and I feel safe and warm and comfortable.

18. Almost everything I've done sexually with my boyfriend we've had a time doing it that didn't work. We jokingly kissed a few months before we started going out (we had a very flirty friendship). The first time he touched my boobs I got really scared and he said he was sorry and stopped. The first time we fingered one another it was too intense and we both flipped out afterwards.

19. This actually hasn't been a problem, though, because we're really good at communicating. He's extremely respectful of my boundaries, and I'm respectful of what his feelings and opinions are. The best thing I think about having a boyfriend who's a friend is getting to talk about sex. We rehash our fun times together, talk about masturbating and porn, discuss what emotionally is going on, and what we like to do or think might feel good.

20. I like the way my boyfriend treats my body. He's really atrracted to me and very interested in sex, and he communicates this in a way that's sweet and friendly instead of possive or threatening. He takes things slowly and is in tune with how I'm feeling. He's respectful but also very playful. He can be a huge tease, often tickles me, and says funny things.

21. I love how reciprocal fooling around with my boyfriend is. We both enjoy when the other is having a good time, and like being the active one when fooling around. I love the way his skin feels and just getting to explore his body.

22. I'm completely okay witht the idea of porn but I've never watched it. The idea of watching people have sex just doesn't appeal to me. I do fantasize a lot, however. I love seeing sexy things in my mind; I just also like being able to control exactly what is happening. Also, the knowledge that my boyfriend watches porn and can be honest with me about it really turns me on.

23. I love kissing a variety of ways. Long, short, soft, hard, tongue, no tongue, lots of tongue, silly, romantic, can all be satisfying and exciting in the right context.

24. I'm almost completely silent when I masturbate but am really noisy when I fool around. I'm not particularly loud I just make lots of different types of noises and once I get really turned on I keep making noises pretty steadily.

25. I like happy, smiley, sweet sexy things. I love the feeling of smiling while fooling around and looking at my boyfriend and seeing the same look reflected back at me.