Monday, May 17, 2010

1. Talking about sex is incredibly hot to me, but I don't mean in a filthy way. I mean like asking my partner how they want me to pleasure them. One of my current fantasies is to ask a girl I like (but haven't been physical with) to describe how she kisses.

2. I'm a bit of an audio voyeur as well. I've overheard lots of couples having sex – including my former roommate – and found myself getting really turned on. I've never watched someone have sex (other than in porn) so I don't know how that would go. I feel it wouldn't be as interesting as just hearing things.

3. I'm transgender, male-to-female. I haven't yet had surgery, but plan to. I'm also bisexual. I never cease to be amazed at how few people understand how that's possible.

4. I've had sex and masturbated, using my penis. Some people haven't been able to understand that, and I'm not sure I fully do either. I like the sensations I get, particularly during ejaculation. But I also know that piece of me isn't something I want to keep.

5. I think it's the feeling of depth that I like about ejaculation and using my penis. I'm just analyzing this for the first time as I type this, but essentially what I'm saying is that I like the feeling of something extremely pleasureful resonating from deep within and traveling through me. So I guess the idea that I want a vagina isn't so crazy after all.

6. Even though I consider my being transgender a handicap in terms of finding a romantic partner, it's also something of a blessing. Generally, whomever I get involved with is truly interested in me for who I am, not just my body.

7. Not that I mind someone telling me that I have a sexy body. When I had a fuck-buddy for a while, it was reassuring in a way to think that someone could just want to have sex with me. It's the same way I felt when I played the part of the “other man” and when I cheated on a former girlfriend.

8. Now all that being said, I couldn't keep going with my fuck-buddy, nor do I take pride in my involvement in affairs. It may work for some people and that's great, but for me it wasn't healthy. I've been a serial monogamist ever since. And I mean that in a good way, not the insult some people use it as.

9. Before I was a reformed-cheater-turned-monogamist, I was constantly the “better as friends” guy. I'm still often fed that line and fear that my kindness is mistaken for clinginess or dependence. Really, I just want to make people happy. But people tell me I need to play it more aloof; act like I don't care as much as I do.

10. Fuck that. I'm unwilling to change the way I pursue people. I'm not clingy, and I'm not dependent. I'm relatively confident in my ability to tell when I'm coming on too strong and I'd rather get turned down than be something I'm not. I will always strive to be honest with people.

11. I fantasize about my friends. A lot. Often, I'll be listening to someone talking or watching them and I'll start wondering what it would be like to suckle their neck or kiss their bare chest. I constantly find myself curious: What is So-And-So like in bed? What does their o-face look like? What sounds do they cry out, muffled by sweat-soaked pillows?

12. I have a huge crush on one of my friends in particular. I have felt this way for quite awhile, too. She's dating someone (who I'll admit I don't particularly like and think she deserves better than him, but I'm obviously biased) so I have definitely found myself wondering what it would be like to be with her both emotionally and physically. But I'm respectful enough not to make a move, and if she's happy in her relationship, I won't do anything to break it up. Like I said, I don't like the part of me that helped someone else cheat. I don't want to put anyone (including myself) through that again.

13. Going back to the subject of fantasy for a second: Even though I fantasize about friends and people I find attractive often, I never do so while masturbating. I feel guilty, like I have no right to even fictionally place someone in that position. Sometimes, even while not masturbating, I catch myself feeling that way, and guilt sinks in.

14. Even though I'm bi, I like different things about guys and girls. For example, while I love sucking dick and eating pussy about equally and I'm also pretty evenly balanced when it comes to being a top or submissive, I like guys for their ability to be fun and independent outside of physical endeavors. Being in a relationship with a guy can be tons of fun. On the flipside, I like girls for their softness and intimacy in said physical endeavors and ability to connect emotionally. Being in a relationship with a girl can be very comforting and fulfilling.

15. I love hearing and feeling the sharp gasps and sighs when I hit someone's sweet spot and they can't control their reaction. That kind of honesty is beautiful and hot.

16. Music can help set the mood and get me ready for being sexy, but I can't be physical with it still going. Too much background noise. I tried once and just kept humming and even singing along to the tunes I knew.

17. I like sex that gives the impression of spontaneity. Lights on, doors unlocked, places other than the bed, that kind of thing. I think I like the idea that, sometimes, you just need that other person. RIGHT NOW.

18. My favorite “position” isn't really a position so much as an idea. I want someone to push me in desperate lust against a door or wall, yank up my shirt, and slide their hand down the front of my pants to feel me through my jeans. I wouldn't mind switching the roles and doing that to someone else, too.

19. My favorite part on a guy is his stomach and chest. I like it strong and heavy with muscle, but I actually really dislike when he's extremely chiseled or ripped. It doesn't look natural to me.

20. My favorite part on a girl is something that's bound to seem a little creepy. Ahem. So, you know the small of the back? You know how, on girls, there's usually a patch of fine, soft hairs there? For some reason that is incredibly hot to me. I want to kiss and nuzzle that spot more than almost any other.

21. I don't want sex to be just a physical thing. I want it, but I want it to be just one avenue of many through which I can express intimacy to my partner.

22. I really don't want the girls I'm physical with to get rid of all their pubic hair. Natural, clipped, or trimmed is perfect. Bald is creepy, pokey, or dirty and inflamed. Same for guys. It's fucking hair, get over it.

23. I really, really don't want my partners to ignore taking care of their downstairs. For God's sake, there's nothing more of a turn-off than getting to my prize and barely being able to stomach the smell or taste. And that's not just cleanliness, it's diet too. Eating junk food all the time and smoking makes a sweet spot taste terrible. I actually threw up a little once giving a guy head because his semen was so bitter tasting due to his love of alcohol and nicotine.

24. My favorite part of a relationship, both physical and otherwise, is exploring. I want to know my partner's loves, hobbies, erogenous zones, turn-ons, passions, motivations, moans, movements, goals. I don't want to find this all out at once, mind you; I want to discover it over time. A relationship (and sex) should work like that, by continually evolving and growing.

25. I'm just noticing that, despite this being a “25 Things About My Sexuality” list, a lot of my answers somehow involve someone else. And a lot of those answers are specifically about relationships. I actually find that really encouraging.