Monday, June 28, 2010

1. I have identified as so many things over the course of my lifetime. First I was straight, then I discovered I liked girls, so I switched between bisexual and pansexual for a while before settling on pan.

2. I've always explained what pansexuality means to the best of my ability to those who don't know. Nevertheless, I've been considering simply identifying as queer. I've always liked that word, anyhow.

3. I first started masturbating when I was twelve or thirteen to thoughts of fictional characters.

4. Many of my crushes are fictional or otherwise unreachable.

5. My first sexual encounter was when I was fifteen. I was at my best friend's house, and her boyfriend was over. We were all watching TV, but then her boyfriend got up and left the room. I decided to take the opportunity to experiment, and by experiment, I mean groping my friend's breasts and kissing her. She was my first; I used tongue.

6. I lost my virginity to her a few weeks after she and her boyfriend broke up. I was incredibly unsure about my sexuality during this time. I didn't want to not be straight, but there she was, proving me otherwise.

7. We decided to enter an actual relationship a few months afterward. There were lots of sleepovers at her place during this period. I discovered that she had a rather high sex drive. I had lots of fun with that, especially through roleplay. This fixation on sex was one of the things that led to our breakup/downgrade to friends with benefits, as well as her discovering another guy who she felt feelings for. I have nothing against her for this.

8. Apparently, #5 and I were gay lovers in our past lives. I see no reason not to believe in that--I like the idea of being a guy, anyway.

9. On that note, I tend towards being androgyne when showing myself in public. I never wear dresses or skirts in public anymore (or, for that matter, in private).

10. I'm actually quite comfortable with being in a female body, minus the blood gushing out of my vagina every month. Despite this complacency on my part, sometimes I wish I could switch my biology out whenever I felt like it.

11. I write. I have a few characters I like to play around with. Most of them were created based on my preferences in guys and girls, both in personality and appearance.

12. I have recently discovered that I find Nazi uniforms a turn-on. I feel terrible, because: 1) I have taken a Holocaust class, and I should know better than to fetishize such a terrible regime; and 2) I wonder if it demeans my academic interest in the time period.

13. On the less controversial side of the spectrum, I have things for glasses, men with facial hair/stubble, formal wear, and strong noses. I also like mannish women (#5 fell into this catergory; her face was very square, being of Russian descent).

14. My taste in guys is much more inclusive than my taste in girls. Nevertheless, I have trouble finding people who fit the guidelines.

15. I'm currently crushing on a guy who was in my English class this past year. He fits so well into my preference for men that it's scary. I wonder if he has a thing for me.

16. I think Thom Yorke is one of the sexiest men alive. His voice is absolutely orgasmic, and his scruff, social anxiety, and short stature are incredibly cute. I underwent a period where everything I thought about had to do with him. I felt like beating myself up later on when I discovered just how creepy I was being.

17. I broke my hymen this past week with a hairbrush. Blood was all over the sheets, and I tried hiding them away without garnering my dad's suspicion, but it felt incredible. Overall, I see it as a victory.

18. Many of my sex dreams in the past have involved bestiality. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

19. My first semi-sane sex dream also occurred a week or so prior to writing this. I was being fingered by this rather androgynous-looking English girl with heavy eyeshadow and choppy, boy-short blonde hair. It switched to something less sexual a few seconds later, though. I was incredibly disappointed.

20. Most of my fantasies have centered around fictional characters. Oddly enough, the girl in my sex dream was a female version of one of these characters. This made it a lot better for me.

21. I try to keep my sex life as private as possible when it comes to my parents knowing. The last time my dad talked to me about my having sex with #5, I was so scared and vulnerable that I burst into tears and ran away.

22. Strangely enough, I can talk about sex with the people at my church a lot more easily. (I'm a Unitarian Universalist, so go figure.)

23. I find drawn porn, erotic art, and written erotica about a billion times sexier than live-action porn. I prefer slash fan-fiction and women topping over everything else.

24. One of my favorite fantasies is sitting on top of a cute virgin boy and guiding him through the motions. Conversely, I also fantasize about being held down by a handsome aristocrat and being disciplined mercilessly.

25. In the past three years, I have swung between finding sex something to be kept private and sacred and encouraging sexual openness and freedom. I've not let go of my prudish roots completely, though; you'll never find me in skimpy clothing or talking about sex in public without giggling or blushing.