1. I lost my virginity on April 20, 2002 to my first real boyfriend. I was 16. He was 18. He came over while the rest of my family was out of town at my sister's basketball tournament. We took a shower together and then had sex on my parents' bed. We spent the whole afternoon naked, watching cartoons, eating Chinese leftovers, being silly and having sex. I didn’t feel different or older or used or any of those things you may think you’re going to feel after having sex for the first time. It felt right, I felt normal and proud and natural. The day wasn’t the fairy-tale romantic first time experience that I feel so many girls build up in their heads, but it was perfect and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.
2. When I was 18 I was living in a crappy apartment with three boys, one of whom I was dating. He was a jerk, but I couldn’t see it. He would use me for sex; I was expected to work two jobs and be his personal assistant and maid. He would say horrible things about how I looked--keeping my esteem just low enough to let him do whatever he wanted, however he wanted. He had a manic schizophrenic breakdown and thought he was a disciple of God and that the FBI was after him. He cornered me with a knife one afternoon after five days without sleeping, and threatened to kill me. He told me ‘I am going to kill you and hide the body so no one will ever be able to find you. It's for your own good, trust me’. When I tried getting past him, he starting hitting me. Our roommate called the cops and he spent two weeks in the county psych ward. I had let this boy manipulate, use and abuse me in so many ways… after this relationship I saw myself and everyone else differently. I swore I would never allow myself to be a doormat for someone, to trust someone so blindly, to let anyone treat me as poorly and inhumanely as he did. For a long time after this experience I could only enjoy rough sex: being thrown around, held down, choked, hit, etc. The need for those kinds of sexual encounters has finally worn off, and while I still do genuinely enjoy those acts from time to time, I can now enjoy both fucking and making love thoroughly.
3. When I was 12 I started to use an old hairbrush handle to masturbate until I was old enough to buy a vibrator.
4. Until I was 18 I was only able to orgasm from internal, G-spot stimulation. That’s all I knew that felt good. No one told me I had a clitoris--let alone what the hell to do with it. And while I still deeply enjoy penetration (no pun intended,) I have come to enjoy clitoral stimulation more, although a good combo of my boyfriend fingering me and eating my pussy gives me the most intense, full-body orgasms that can last for minutes sometimes. When I masturbate, I rarely use my fingers or a toy that involves penetration. I get myself off from pure clit play, and usually lying on my stomach (the pressure feels nice).
5. With enough lube, anal sex is awesome!
6. One of my biggest fantasies is to make love to my boyfriend with a strap-on. I don’t want to fuck his brains out through his ass or anything; I just think it would be enjoyable and interesting to do a little role reversal. I would love to explore the more masculine, dominant side of my sexual energy--and strap-on play, for me, is the holy grail of sexual role reversal.
7. I’ve had several threesomes and one orgy. The threesomes were, for the most part, awesome fun and I look forward to exploring different combinations of sexual pairings in bed (I want so badly to be Eiffel towered). The orgy was a drunken mess and I do wish I had waited to experience that kind of energy in a more positive, sober mindset. I am determined to eventually have a healthy, positive group sex experience.
8. I think I give decent blow jobs. I don’t have much of a gag reflex and a fairly dexterous tongue. But hand jobs… I struggle with those. In all honesty, I’m not very good at touching a penis with my hands. Until recently, I hadn't given a real hand job since I was 17. One of my goals this year is to hone that talent so I at least feel confident and competent fondling a man and possibly even develop the ability to give a good hand job.
9. I have come to the realization that monogamy hasn’t been working and probably won’t work for me. I have cheated on all but one of my boyfriends, and had a full-blown affair for months before things ended with my ‘main’ partner. None of them ever found out about my infidelity, which is better, I suppose. I’ve never wanted to use or hurt anyone, but I find myself in monogamous relationships and I wind up feeling limited, trapped and stifled. And then I start to feel resentful and bitter towards the men I am with. Those are all feelings I don’t want to feel towards anyone, let alone the people I love. I am currently in a polyamorous relationship and I have never felt more confident, secure and trustworthy in a relationship before. I have found a sense of calm and balance in the fact that we don’t NEED each other and we don’t need to BE anything for each other, our relationship is open to breathe and move and evolve. I am so very excited to see where it all ends up and how much I can learn and grow both as an individual and as a partner.
10. I spent three years on-and-off with a man who would almost always tell me ‘no’ when I tried to initiate sex. I can count on one hand the number of times we had sex in the last year we were together. When we did have sex there was no kissing, no foreplay, no emotion- he had a large penis and had no idea what to do with it and didn’t care to learn or listen to what I wanted. Sex with him was mostly awkward and painful, and I am just starting to understand the emotional walls that aspect of our relationship caused me to build.
11. My parents didn’t really talk to me about sex. I mean, they told me about the mechanics of it and the ‘dangers’ of it, but they didn’t take the time to discuss all the possibilities and joy sex can bring. My complete open-mindedness and non-judgmental mindset comes from reading a lot of books and having the most amazing, supportive friends.
12. One of my favorite things to do is to go onto Chatroulette with my boyfriend and put on shows for people. We don’t do it very often… but when we do, we do it right! It satisfies my exhibitionist and voyeuristic tendencies. It’s not an everyday activity; it’s a nice little kink of a treat from time to time.
13. I don’t watch porn too often, unless I’m in a bit of a rush (like I have to head to work). When I do watch porn, the girl has to have dark hair and the guy has to have a big dick. If I do watch porn, as soon as I come I find whatever I am watching to be repulsive and the people to be pathetic and ugly. I just feel that porn glorifies the wrong aspects of sex; it makes me feel cheap. I feel that my imagination or memories are so much richer and more enjoyable.
14. Spank me! Light taps in the kitchen while I’m doing dishes, full-blown bare-ass beat downs while we’re playing around in bed, give me a surprise slap while I’m blow drying my hair. But don’t do it all the time, keep it spontaneous and sparse. Spanking, especially the little slaps during regular daytime activities, makes me feel desirable, flirtatious and submissive.
15. I’ve stopped shaving my pubic hair. I had been shaving since I started to grow hair, and I really thought I was going to feel dirty, ugly and uncomfortable with hair down there. But I LOVE it! I keep it trimmed, it’s not a crazy overgrown bush you could get lost in--but it is soft and furry and I have never felt more comfortable naked in my entire life. I feel like a woman, I feel normal and confident with my little bush.
16. Sometimes my boyfriend grows out his beard--and he grows out the sexiest, fullest most lovely beard I have ever seen. And when he has a full beard grown out and then he eats out my pussy, it’s just about my favorite. I love making out with him afterwards and his beard is soaking wet and I can taste myself all over, I can suck my own juices out of his beard… it makes my knees weak.
17. I have had sex with three different girls, one of them on multiple occasions. I think women are beautiful… but I don’t think I am sexually attracted to women. I wouldn’t identify as ‘bi-sexual’ but more as ‘try-sexual’, I’ll try anything about three times. And in the right situation, women can be fun to play with and flirt with, but I’m not sure if I could have a romantic, on-going relationship with one.
18. Intimacy is the best part of any relationship, romantic or friendly. Don’t get me wrong, I totally get off on the ‘new relationship energy’, that time when a person is all new and shiny and everything is exciting and you can’t get enough of each other. But butterflies die and blind passion burns out eventually, and then you’re left with all the nuts and bolts of a person. I love being able to go to the bathroom with the door open, not having to shave my legs every time I see them, I like seeing all their odd little habits and rituals. I love the work, the tears, the love and patience that go into building a real, solid relationship. I love the joy and comfort and trust that comes with time. Give me a ‘boring’ night at home with my lovers and friends and I am the happiest girl in the world.
19. It makes me sad to hear girls talk about sex like it’s a chore, or something they dread. My roommate has the worst self-confidence I have ever encountered, and she isn’t fat or particularly unattractive, but she is so deeply uncomfortable with herself, and it just breaks my heart and makes me terribly frustrated. I guess I do it sometimes too; we all have our hang-ups… those little things that make us feel self conscious or unsure of ourselves. But sex is something that should be enjoyed and celebrated. I don’t understand how some girls (or even men, I guess) feel the need to withhold sex from their significant others, people who don’t want to explore and experience and revel in the fact that we have these really awesome bodies that do some really awesome things. That is my ideal mindset and I strive to maintain that outlook, as long as the insecurity about my thighs doesn’t get in the way. ;-)
20. I’m not sure if this is sexuality, but then again, doesn't everything about us tie into sexuality? I love to stare at people, or at least watch them intently. At work sometimes I will catch the eye of a person who is just interesting-looking, they’re so beautiful in a completely unique and strange way. I’d love to be able to sit down and just look at them, soak in all their little physical quirks. The curiosity is what makes me excited.
21. I’m working on being able to recognize what I want and need- both physical and emotional- and be able to communicate that to both myself and my partner. It’s easier said then done, but I think I’ve been doing all right and making some real strides from where I started.
22. Sometimes my boyfriend and I wake up in the middle of the night having sex. Like full on, ‘bend me over and drill me’ kind of sex- and it’s soooo hot! I usually don’t wake up until I’m starting to come, but those orgasms are some of the strongest orgasms I have from vaginal intercourse.
23. I love kissing. I miss the days when a good make out session was the epitome of sexy fun time. It’s so simple and so fun and gets me going like nothing else. I completely enjoy and get off on all the other foreplay stuff, but I could be a happy girl with a good, solid make out session.
24. I am more comfortable being naked than I am being clothed; I’m always worried my jeans cut me off weird or that my shirt pulls too tight across my tummy. I don’t mind my extra squish when it’s not being confined by clothing.
25. I have no desire or ability to meet people in a bar setting, I feel like it’s all so superficial and such a waste of time. Plus, I’m not really the most approachable person. I don’t have the patience to entertain and encourage the gross, slobbering drunk guys, and their pickup lines and inane conversations are not flattering, but merely annoying. Bring some good, challenging conversation to the table and make me laugh and I’ll be putty in your hands. For me, sexual attraction is much more of a mental connection than a raw physical drive.