Tuesday, October 5, 2010

1. I am a twenty-one-year-old queer woman.

2. I prefer the term ‘queer’ because it can mean so many things. I am attracted to people of all gender expressions, so technically I am pansexual, but I dislike the specificity of that term. I like to live in ambiguity and possibility.

3. Despite this, all of my sexual experiences beyond kissing have been with biological males.

4. Passing for straight makes me feel dirty. I am extremely vocal about my sexuality because I don’t like giving off a different image than the truth.

5. It took nearly two years of an emotionally and (at one time) physically abusive relationship for me to finally take charge of my sexuality.

6. I am non-monogamous. I don’t like to call myself polyamorous, because at this point I don’t feel like I’ve yet had a truly polyamorous relationship situation. However, I do not believe that I am capable of monogamy at this point in my life, and may not ever be capable of traditional monogamy.

7. For the first time in my life, I have a wonderful boyfriend and an enchanting friend with benefits. They both know about each other and are completely in the loop. I’ve been waiting years to get to this point, and it feels incredibly surreal.

8. I don’t have a physical ‘type’ at all. For example, my boyfriend is a very outdoorsy, very masculine man who hunts and enjoys camping. My friend with benefits has an androgynous face and is studying to be a librarian/archivist. Most of my crushes and partners are similarly diverse.

9. That said, I’m attracted to people who are passionate about what they do, and who don’t make decisions based solely on expectations other people have of them. I like people who get the cosmic joke, and who can laugh during sex without it killing the mood. So, I suppose I have a personality type, not a physical one.

10. I orgasm very easily from clitoral stimulation, and I almost always achieve multiple orgasms. G-spot stimulation doesn’t really do much for me, though.

11. Consequently, I love being eaten out. I’ve been lucky to find enthusiastic partners recently, and one of my favorite things is for my boyfriend to go down on me until I can hardly move and then to fuck me without letting me catch my breath.

12. Well, I love oral sex in general. Giving a blowjob makes me feel wonderful—not necessarily aroused, but playful and happy. I really dislike how performing oral sex on a man has come to be seen as a degrading act in our society, since I don’t feel degraded in the slightest when I have so much control over my partner’s pleasure.

13. I struggle with my own concept of sexual activity centering around the male orgasm. Not that the male orgasm isn’t a wonderful and important part of sex, but it is not the main focus, and making it the main focus hurts everyone involved. Still, I find myself distressed by my immediate (unvoiced) reactions to something like a partner’s lack of erection or inability to achieve orgasm.

14. I write erotica. A lot. I try to make my writing address serious topics like slut shaming, gender identity, and queer issues at the same time as it arouses my readers.

15. Much of this erotica is slash fan-fiction, though the circles I write in tend to focus much more on the issues slash allows us to explore than on the pretty boys. In fact, we’re much less likely to focus on the traditionally pretty boys than on the interesting ones.

16. I prefer gay male porn to mainstream straight or lesbian porn. The men are often more attractive, and I can focus on being aroused rather than incensed at the way women are viewed and treated.

17. That said, alternative or queer porn that really explores female sexuality and doesn’t stay confined to the stereotypes is my absolute favorite.

18. I am getting into the kink community—I have experimented as a sub, and while I prefer that role with those more experienced than myself, I very much like being dominant or topping from the bottom with my more mainstream partners.

19. I really want to be tied to a bench and spanked until I cry. Preferably, this will happen in front of observers. I really, really enjoy performative displays of private emotion.

20. The first time I attended a sex party, I had sex with a man I had met only briefly once before. We fucked all over the hallway before finally making it to an open bed, and people who were watching described it as ‘porn for women’ sex, because of our enthusiasm and obvious pleasure.

21. At the joint bachelor/bachelorette party of two dear friends of mine, I ended up in the bathroom with the magician (a friend of the maid of honor), being spanked and teased throughout the night. This may be the most erotic experience of my life, especially the fact that in between the moments we stole away, I was watching him perform card tricks with the same dexterous hands that had been on my ass moments before.

22. I am an actor, and one of my greatest fantasies is to have sex with a scene partner while in character. The idea of seeing how far we could bury ourselves in fictional constructs is intoxicating.

23. There is a video of me having sex somewhere out in this world. I don’t know if my partner ever put it on the internet, and I really don’t think I care very much. It was pretty good sex, and I feel like I put on a damn good show. However, I don’t think it’ll ever turn up because the guy is extremely vain, and he commented afterward that he felt like he “ruined” the cumshot. Still, it wouldn’t bother me if it did.

24. I get very irritated by people who act like anyone who is not queer/nonmonogamous/a lover of anal sex/any other “taboo” subject are simply not enlightened enough. I’ve tried anal play, and I really just don’t like it. As far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t matter what you do as long as it’s an informed decision.

25. If I’d written this list a year ago, it would have been worlds different. I am beyond grateful to the people in my life this past year who gave me the courage to become the person I am meant to be.