Wednesday, June 15, 2011

1. I am a 21-year-old woman who is unclear on her sexuality.

2. Recently, I've been fantasizing about having a penis--a lot. Most of my sexual fantasies in the past few months have been centered around the organ in one way or another.

3. Non-sexually, I'm completely okay with being a woman. It fits with my body, style, and personality. Sexually, it's a different story. This is pretty confusing to me right now, but I'm just letting it be.

4. These recent fantasies have a pretty interesting power dynamic. I've noticed that if I (the woman) am present as I am (in a woman's body) in the fantasy, I am the dominant party, and I always dominate a man. If I fantasize about being a man, though, I am always the submissive one, and a man is my partner about 80% of the time.

5. The other 20% of the time, when a woman is dominating, it is mostly in a medical context: nurses (in regular medical clothing, not fake fetish nurses) performing various tests on my sexual organs. The most recurring one is a test meant to take an entire day, where I, as a man, am catheterized (both for urine and for semen; I don't know if they do semen collection like that, but that's the way it is most exciting to me), strapped to the exam table (sometimes gagged), and equipped with an electro-stimulation machine that will go off every hour with little warning and continue stimulating me until I come. The come is collected in those little vacuum containers (like the ones they collect blood samples in).

6. I also have recently been getting turned on by the thought of public or unwanted erections that other people notice. Another theme I fantasize about is getting an erection (in one situation or another) and being told that I am bad or naughty because of it. Also, ejaculating in my pants and other people seeing it. Sexual embarrassment in general. Sometimes there's a portable version of the aforementioned electro-stim semen collection machine that I am forced to wear while going about my daily (public) tasks and I am repeatedly taken by surprise as I have to conceal an orgasm in a public place.

7. I think I would be a little bit of an exhibitionist if I was a man.

8. It just seems like there is so much more to do with a penis and all that goes with it than there is with a vagina and clit.

9. As of the past several months, my owning of a vagina hasn't really turned me on much. My clitoris is really just a means to an end, the end being orgasms. I feel okay about this, but I wonder what all of this out-of-body fantasizing is doing to me, if anything.

10. I am a virgin, and I worry that when I do finally have sex, it will be utterly disappointing.

11. I am open to experimentation with girls; currently, I would love to fuck one specific girl I know with a strap-on. She has expressed some interest in pursuing some sort of sexual relationship with me several times and in various instances, but only when drunk. I don't want it to end up being one of those "I did something stupid while I was smashed" situations, and I don't know how to bring it up when both of us are sober. But, I would totally do her with a strap-on if given the chance. (In my own solitary experimentation with a strap-on, it's wonderful if the back of it is positioned to hit your clitoris when you thrust. It feels lovely.)

12. If I ever was to transition to being a man (absolutely unlikely, as my sexual fantasies seem to change every once in a while anyway) it probably wouldn't fulfill my fantasies, as many of them have to do with come, and that isn't currently a possibility for trans men, as far as I know.

13. I orgasm about 99% of the times I masturbate, but the only position that gives me really good orgasms is face-down, with my legs clenched together pretty hard. That also worries me--I'll probably have trouble having orgasms with a partner. Most positions besides that one give me somewhat pleasurable orgasms, but whenever my legs aren't clenched tight, they end up jerky and a little bit unpleasant.

14. I'm fairly certain that if I was a man, I'd be a gay bottom.

15. I remember wanting a penis when I was young--I wanted to wear things on it under my underwear, like decorated socks or rubber bands. I guess this has morphed into my current interest in harnesses.

16. I think all of these fantasies are tied together by a certain power dynamic; for some people, the penis is a symbol of power, but for me, it is a symbol of vulnerability. Just think about it--the penis is external and open to pain, it gets hard and becomes noticeable under clothes (sometimes without warning), and it expels a sticky mess during orgasm. So, it makes sense to me to control it (on a man) or have it be controlled (if i was a man). It also seems like a source of embarrassment or humiliation, which really intrigues me when mixed with consensual sex practices.

17. I have very little interest in oral sex or the eating of any sort of sexual liquids.

18. One thing I would be interested in that pertains to my body as a woman would be an "Adult Nursing Relationship," or at least, lactating. Maybe this is because this is the closest I could get to producing jizz.

19. Since I was little, I've had a fascination with tubing of many kinds, laboratory equipment, and collecting liquids, especially in a medical context. I don't know if it was specifically sexual when I was little, but it definitely carried a sexual energy with it.

20. I want to, at least once in my life, attend an orgy or something like it.

21. I hope at least some of my future male sexual partners will be open to the idea of power play, specifically with them as submissive. Even if it's just every once in a while. I just don't think that a completely vanilla sexual life would be very fulfilling to me, since at least 98% of my (current) sexual ideas are kink of various sorts.

22. I masturbate most nights, but I think the frequency waxes and wanes with my menstrual cycle. I haven't really figured out exactly how yet, but I know I have less desire to rub one out for about a week after my period is over.

23. Most of the nights I masturbate, I'm not particularly horny beforehand. I mainly use it as a sleep aid in that context.

24. I love amateur porn, especially with solitary people doing kinky things to themselves. It's so much better than the mainstream shit because it's much more intriguing seeing what individual people to do get off. Everybody has their style, and it's hot to see people fucking themselves the way they want to be fucked.

25. In the event of an apocalypse, the first thing I'm doing is going around and having as much anonymous sex as possible. Then, I'm arranging a parade of some sort.