Wednesday, November 2, 2011

1. I’m 23, female, bisexual and not sure that I’ve ever been in love.

2. I’m a hardened cynic when it comes to love and relationships – head over heart syndrome. My friends think that someone could one day sweep me off my feet, but they acknowledge that it would be pretty difficult.

3. I started masturbating at 14 and still remember how amazing my first orgasm was. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. After that I got a bit addicted and did it as much as 15 times a day for a while. Even now I masturbate way more often than most women, and I certainly did it more than my last boyfriend, to his embarrassment and my amusement.

4. Even though I can make myself come inside a minute, I’ve only come during PIV sex a few times, and never without clitoral stimulation. When people go down on me I usually get there in the end, and it's worth the wait.

5. I’ve had sex with 4 people – 2 guys and 2 girls. The first was a girl, when I was 19 and she was 24. I was a bit of a late developer – my first kiss was at 18, and I was 20 the first time I had sex with a guy. At the time it really bothered me, but now I couldn’t care less.

6. I used to have a lot of confusion about my sexuality, constantly analyzing everything, and usually coming to multiple conclusions even within the same day. Now I’ve learned to lighten up about it. I tend to find girls hotter and think of guys more as relationship material, but there are always exceptions.

7. The first girl I had a crush on was when I was 14 or 15. I would do anything to make her laugh, and I used to fantazise about having sex with her in the study room in the library. I never told her, but I suspected she was into girls as well.

8. I’ve read porn since I was 13, but only started watching it when I was 21. I read m/m porn mostly, with some m/f and f/f, but I generally watch f/f or m/f. Also, threesomes.

9. I cross-dressed occasionally for a while, but only in private. I once used a fancy dress party as an excuse to dress as a guy and strap my breasts down, and it felt great. I really want to do it again.

10. I’ve only ever been in one serious relationship, with a guy, J., which lasted a year, on and off, but we started sleeping together again for a while last year. It was great, really good fun, and brought some closure to our relationship.

11. I ruined this by going to see him again a few months ago. We ended up having sex again and I regretted it. I won’t see him again.

12. The best kiss I have ever had, by far, was with a girl, in the middle of a crowded dance floor in a club. I was just drunk enough to be really confident and I remember simply saying to her: “I want to kiss you.” I wish I could do that more often – it totally worked and I was completely blown away by it.

13. She and I had a bit of a fling after that, nothing serious. I started to find her annoying and ditched her in a way I’m less than proud of. I still remember that kiss, though.

14. I have a ‘one that got away’ – I spent a year abroad in Spain and met an American girl there. We were friends for months but nothing happened, and then at a house party she suddenly dragged me into another room and kissed me. It happened a couple of times but she went back to America before we could take it further. I wish I’d been brave enough to make the first move earlier, but I also like wondering what might have been, and if she thinks the same.

15. A similar thing happened with a guy, D., at uni – we knew we liked each other for six months before anything happened. I don’t think of myself as shy generally but when it comes to starting relationships I’m appalling.

16. I’m very reserved when I’m in relationships as well. When I finally got together with D. everything was excruciatingly awkward (we were both virgins at the time) and we split up very quickly. With J. I could never talk about my feelings, though he was surprisingly good at it, considering he was the more reserved one in public.

17. I sometimes worry that I’m a little bit in love with my best friend. She, unfortunately, is the straightest and most unsingle one of all my friends, but she knows something’s up. Sometimes I think something could happen – there’ll be a look, or a comment. She once said that she was thinking about kissing me, and she keeps mentioning that her boyfriend suggests we should have a threesome, which usually comes off as a joke, but sometimes looks like testing the water. (I would totally be up for it.) She’s a very flirty person in general, though, and most of the time I’m fairly sure I’m deluding myself. A more likely, and cynical, explanation is that she’s flattered by the attention and can’t quite bring herself to end it completely.

18. I haven’t had sex in five months, and only once in the last 14.

19. I’ve just joined the army, and I was completely uninterested in sex for the first few weeks – I think it was because I was focusing on the training so much. Now, though, I’m becoming aware that I’m surrounded by hundreds of young, fit men and women, and I’m starting to look for opportunities. I’m fairly sure this is mostly because of 16.

20. I think I’m very open-minded when it comes to sex, and there’s virtually nothing I wouldn’t try, except anal, for reasons too personal to mention even here. My greatest fantasy, though, is to fuck someone (probably a girl) with a strap-on. I suggested it to J. once, and he thought I was joking. I never told him I wasn’t.

21. I don’t think of myself as a relationship person, but every so often I’ll see a couple, whether in the street or in a club, whose closeness and intimacy is so palpable that I actually feel a physical pain in my chest. Those are the moments when I feel lonely.

22. The flip side of my awkwardness in relationships is that I never know when I’m flirting. Twice it’s been pointed out to me that I’m flirting outrageously with someone, and I’m completely unaware of it. I did fancy both of them though.

23. One of the two in #22 is a girl I’ve been friends with for a few years. We kissed a couple of times, and later she told me that I really confused her (she’s straight). Once she came back to mine after a night out to ‘pick up some stuff’ and I completely missed the signs. We never had another opportunity, though I tried my best.

24. Of everyone I've ever kissed, I was always drunk the first time. I thought this was unusual, but if my friends are to be believed it's depressingly common. I've told myself that the next time will be different, but I doubt it somehow.

25. I don’t like opening up to people, and I think that the building up of a serious relationship would be worse than being in it. I’m fairly sure I’ll settle down with someone eventually, but part of me really wants to go a little crazy for a while first.