Friday, January 20, 2012

1. I’m an 18-year-old man attracted to men.

2. I was first introduced to sex at 12. I had a friend the same age as me; he asked if I wanted a blowjob. Essentially, I shrugged my shoulders and consented. It led to me returning the favor. I didn’t think much of it at the time. In retrospect, I might have realized that a) I enjoyed this activity a lot, and not just how it felt physically, and b) he must have been exposed to sexual content at a very young age. Who knows how long he’d been wanting to test out something sexual?

3. We continued casual oral sex and hand jobs for years. We were never in a romantic relationship, and it frustrated me. There was no way that I could even begin to describe my feelings. I wasn’t sure of them, myself.

4. In middle school I started to realize that I found men attractive. I was also somewhat attracted to women, and this fed my denial. I didn’t have a sudden epiphany; any thoughts like, “Oh, my God, I’m gay,” were instantaneously suppressed, as if I was afraid someone would read my mind. At some point I came to the conclusion that all guys were just pretending to be completely straight, that everyone was actively hiding a communal bisexuality, and that gender was a performance.

5. In eighth grade, I had a crush on a girl. She was the type that had no real friends, wasn’t very pretty, and got picked on a lot. Through the fact that we both liked the same band and that I wanted to protect her from bullies, I convinced myself I was in love. This further shut out my impending homosexuality. I fantasized about her romantically: never sexually. That year I began to search for homoerotic pictures on the internet, again telling myself that all guys were pretending to be straight. The fear of my classmates thinking I was gay was at an all time high. I realized that my "love" for this girl was a sham, and finally thought of myself as gay.

6. Honestly, I don’t think I’m gay: not in the strictest sense. Through tons of self-reflection, I think that I was born bisexual, hit puberty, and my sexuality naturally shifted closer to homosexuality. I’m still slightly attracted to women, particularly their breasts, though not nearly as much as a man’s body. I don’t think that I could ever be sexually attracted to a woman enough to be in a relationship, so I usually identify as "gay" to be brief.

7. Despite my appreciation for breasts, I don’t personally like nipple play in any shape or form. It’s not easy for me to be stimulated during sex through my nipples.

8. I’m a bit of a voyeur. I don’t really appreciate sites where you’re supposedly watching someone masturbate that’s totally clueless that he’s being watched. What I really like is watching a man sleep. There’s something amazing about it. They’re adorable, but at the same time masculine and peaceful. A sleeping beauty...

9. I’m submissive. I like the feeling of being dominated, but not in a violent way. I love men who are confident and take control. I kind of like the idea of being a "damsel in distress," even though it’s silly. It’s a sort of knight-in-shining-armor complex.

10. I’m not a sadist, and I’m not a masochist. Like I said before, I don’t like being dominated in a violent way. However, I don’t mind being handled roughly and even something along the lines of spanking isn’t past my limits.

11. I didn’t always like penises. When I first began to look at pictures of men on the internet, I avoided the full-frontal ones. It might have been part of my denial, but I just found them ugly and unattractive. I’m much more excited by them now.

12. I prefer girth over length. For some reason, when a guy has a thicker penis it looks a lot manlier to me than if a guy has a longer one.

13. Even though I can be a little defensive of my space at times, I crave physical contact with men. A warm hug or embrace is really much more effective to me than encouraging words.

14. I’ve never liked the look of extremely slender men. It might stem from the fact that I’m so thin myself, but I prefer men who are muscular, a bit heavyset, or both.

15. I first masturbated sometime after I had my sexual encounter with my friend. It was an attempt to imitate the oral sex with my hand; I was so young that I didn’t even know what masturbation was.

16. I now masturbate daily. I usually do so just before I go to sleep. Most of the time, I find porn to watch, but sometimes I masturbate without using the computer.

17. I dislike porn that looks faked. If the actors seem to be there for a casual fuck and don’t put anything into it, I look for something else. The best pornography has actors who make love, and express their love in front of the camera.

18. Straight porn is my guilty pleasure; I’ve found sites that show compassionate actors and actresses, some real loving couples (apparently), and if it seems authentic, I’ll take it over sketchier gay porn.

19. Hairy men don’t bother me most of the time. Some men look much better with chest hair, for example, but for others, it’s excessive. I think that a healthy medium is best.

20. I love jockstraps. Men that can’t fill out their jockstraps well remind me of deflated balloons. Considering the fact that I prefer girth, it’s no surprise that I love when a guy’s bulge shows that he has it.

21. I’ve never had anal sex, though I’m sure I’d prefer to be the "bottom." I am submissive, after all.

22. Breathing in my ear turns me on. I’m not sure why. Sometimes very close whispers will produce the same effect. I was once held down by a friend and for some reason he started to blow into my ear. It tickled me, but I had to hide an erection for half an hour afterwards.

23. My abdomen, just above the pubic area, is a huge erogenous zone for me. I can’t keep myself from rubbing it when I masturbate. With the combination of my submissive nature, my craving for physical contact, and my sensitive ears and abdomen, if a man stood close behind me, sensually rubbed my abdomen, and whispered into my ear, he would have me wrapped around his finger.

24. I’m on the fence about fisting. I’m almost 100% sure that I would never participate in it myself, but watching it can be exhilarating. In many ways, a man’s fist is the ultimate representation of girth.

25. I’m sure it’s not the same for everyone, but I know from experience that my sexuality is fluid, at least to an extent. I don’t think it’ll ever shift back to bisexuality, but who knows? Maybe my tastes will change with experience. Only time will tell.