Tuesday, December 11, 2012

1. I am a 26-year-old woman with very liberal sexual proclivities.

2. I currently have a boyfriend who I've been with for over two years, who is 24 1/2 years older than me, 'K'. He is not the first older man I have dated. When I was 17, I lost my virginity to a man of 34, 'P'. When I was 22, I was with a man of 44, 'M'. And now I am 26 I am with a man of 50. This equation (he is double my age) is a recurring theme in my life. The math of my partner's age in relation to mine turns me on. The bigger the age gap, the more exciting I find him. The largest age gap I have had was an affair of the heart, and just kissing, with a man 45 years older than me. I was 17 at the time.

3. By the age of 20 I had kissed (or more) with a man in his teens, 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's and 60's. It turns me on to think of this.

4. I lost my virginity to my teacher, 'P'. He was married. A month after we first kissed, his wife gave birth to twins. We used to meet up after hours when I made sets in the tech department for my drama course. The affair went on for 8 months. He never gave me an orgasm. I adored giving him blow jobs. I felt so wonderful being desired by him, because boys my age bullied me. About a year and a half after I started Uni I got a call from the police saying that my name had come up in investigations into his being found with a 15-year-old student. I was interviewed by the police. I was honest. The hardest thing was telling my father. He listened to my confession, held my hand and said 'Shit happens. We'll support you'. My statement was the reason 'P' confessed and was put on the sex offenders registry and blacklisted from teaching. I do not regret this. I do regret the affair. Not for his wife or children, but for the fact that I was not able to associate sex with love until years later.

5. 'Lolita' is one of the most erotic films/books to me. I choose to see it as the desire of an older man for something beautiful and unspoilt. Since I saw it at 16 I have forever wanted to be the object of that desire.

6. I am not heterosexual. I have kissed four women in varying degrees of depth. Two of those I was sexually intimate with and one of those involved full strap-on sex. My favourite kiss was with a drunk woman outside a pub. I had gone to drink alone after a hard week at work and chatted to a couple of lads I didn't know who bought me a few drinks. During one trip outside for a cig a man kept calling me "darlin'" in that drunk laddish way. His lady joined us, and I started chatting with her so she would not think I was returning her man's attention. At chucking out time, I had another cig with the lads before leaving, and the drunk man and his lady passed us on their way home. I gave her a light and she stood close to me and we both looked up. I gently put my hand behind her head and kissed her softly and with a tenderness I thought she might not feel very often. She looked back at me afterwards like I was made of pure love. Like I shone gold in the dark. She started walking away then had to come back for another kiss because she said it was just so beautiful. I often think of the way she looked at me and I love telling this story.

7. The most erotic thing about the woman I had full strap-on sex with was the curve of the hollow of her collar bone.

8. I want to be publicly spanked by 'K'. We are heavily into fetish and BDSM. We have a fantasy world where he is the Lord of the Manor/The Stable Boy/The Gardener/His Lordship's Gay Dresser and I am his Maid/Slave/Queen/Cook. Among many others. Sometimes the marks he inflicts on me last for weeks.

9. My favourite fantasy with 'K' is 'The Boy that Works in the Morgue'. He is a fully developed character. I am the beautiful corpse he makes love to when no one is around. I lay totally still with my eyes open and unblinking while he whispers awful things to me while fucking me, made-up stories from his childhood involving abuse and incest. This fantasy came out of my pretending to be a china doll one evening and he took a risk and said I looked dead while I was in character and lying still. This was the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever said to me. I cried in his arms without blinking once as he made love to me.

10. For all my love of older men, my first kiss was at a sleepover, aged 14, on a dare, with a 12-year-old friend of my friend's brother. I tell everyone else it was with some guy at school outside the A floor drama gallery.

11. I occasionally tell people I slept with my cousin once when we were horrendously drunk. This is true. Neither of us came. I stumbled back to the spare room afterwards. Dismissing it as a horrible drunken mistake makes me feel better.

12.  I used to repress my sexual urges and not mention things that turned me on because my on/off boyfriend of 5 years, 'J', thought I was obsessed with sex. The day I left him for good, it was like someone cut the elastic bands constricting my chest, and I finally breathed deeply for the first time in years. Exactly one week later 'J' was staying with friends, and I invited my then-ex 'M' and his new girlfriend back for tea and kisses. Two weeks after that I taught her how to deep -throat him with a live demonstration. Things didn't really pan out after that, but we still flirt together when we meet at a goth night once a month. I would not get involved with them again.

13. I have only had four orgasms triggered by a partner. Three were from 'J.' Those were through oral sex with additional fingers internally. It took forever. He resented me for it. One was from 'M' as he finger-fucked me and I played with my clit. It also took forever. He was so proud of himself and let me fall asleep afterward while he went back to work. I fake it ALL the time. It takes me anything from 20 minutes to an hour on average on my own. I think this is why I enjoy the pain of S&M in place of orgasms.

14. I see beautiful women everywhere, and I hope they enjoy their beauty. Some of them look so serious or sad. I imagine making love to them.

15. I have made love to three men with a strap-on. The first, 'M', taught me how and was very helpful with technique. The second, 'J', was in denial about liking it. It took me two years to gently persuade him. Even though he loved it, he avoided it every time I suggested it afterwards. I didn't push the matter. When I left him and said we would no longer be sleeping with each other, he suddenly wanted to do it again. The third is my current boyfriend, 'K'. He adores it when I take him in the missionary position. I love the feeling of his legs wrapped around my waist. Sometimes he wears the red and white polka-dot dress I gave him.

16. When I masturbate I like cum shots. Hearing a man's orgasm cries and see him shoot gets me off.

17. Six weeks into my relationship with 'K,' we went to see his ex of twenty years ago, whom he'd not seen for four years, out of the blue, for a BBQ  and sleepover, as we were in the area. After much wine, some drunk dancing and her 15-year-old son falling asleep, she suddenly kissed me as we were searching for whiskey in the drinks cupboard. We kissed, all three of us; they fondled me. She spanked me while I sucked his cock and did things to my nipples that left them sore for a week. When I asked why I was the only one naked she said 'sweetie, it's because you're the only young and beautiful one'. We all laughed. She is about 50 as well. The next day 'K' and I were closer than I've ever felt to a partner.

18. I prefer relationships with older men, yet I have no Daddy issues whatsoever. My father was perfectly supportive and has never let me down. My mother, on the other hand, lost interest in me as soon as I developed my own opinions. I cannot imagine having a relationship with a woman, despite my desire for them sometimes.

19. I find pain arousing--receiving it and inflicting it.

20. I read erotic stories all the time, either published books or internet fiction. My favourite novel is 'The Story of O,' and on the internet I read any fan-fiction involving rakish older men paired with girls many years their junior. My ultimate turn-ons are stories based on the Harry Potter books, with Severus Snape or Lucius Malfoy paired with Hermione Granger. Or stories involving all three of them. I read these stories on the bus, the train, in coffee shops. I love getting wet and aroused in public.

21. I have had two different clitoral hood piercings at different times. Having metal in my knickers is such a turn-on--knowing there's a little secret that no one knows about. Neither have been right for me, and I have removed them both now, but the process of getting them is brilliant and at the same time the most intense pain I've ever had from a piercing. (I've had over twenty in my time.) I usually have dreams of giving birth when I'm recovering. I feel more like a woman  with metal in my lady-garden. I will do it again.

22. I have bought a rubber outfit for my second Christmas with 'K'. It comprises of a bodice top and a tight pencil skirt. The crowning glory of this ensemble is a pair of knickers that have an internal sheath that is designed to be pushed inside my vagina so he can fuck me without actually touching any part of me. I find this an incredible turn-on. We kiss through plastic clothing bags I bought specially for the purpose and through his full circle leather skirt. To touch without touching makes me so wet.

23. As it never happens, I do not base 'good sex' on my orgasms. I think this opens me up for better appreciation of other aspects of sex. I value connection, passion, imagination and movement. If we move together right, if we reach for each other in the right places at the right moments, then we're onto something good. Sex isn't called 'the horizontal rumba' for nothing. Static jackrabbit missionary isn't going to get me going. Touch is important. I love running my hands over a body, and that's all over a body, not just the fun bits. I particularly love shoulders and collarbones. I love the way my fingers travel over the curves and bumps of bone and muscle there. I will touch your waist, the backs of your knees and your forearms. And you will love it. And I want you to do the same to me. I'll ride on top,  no problem, but the best bit of being on top is when you sit up, wrap your arms around me and roll me over onto my back, my head and shoulders almost falling over the edge, and screw me into the bed. Just like the best bit of side-by-side sex with my leg slung over your hip is when I push you over and go for a ride. 

24. Kissing is the most. Fun. Thing. Ever. A good kiss is the ultimate turn on. With the right person I can kiss for hours. I love to be kissed softly at first, our lips moving over each other's gently, teasing, nibbling, and licking. As the passion rises between us, as the kiss deepens and tongues begin to dance and our arms tighten around each other, as we sigh and breathe into ourselves. The feeling lifts me off my feet, and I am genuinely flying. I have that kind of kissing in my life now. And I like to kiss every inch of 'K'. I remember once he was laid out on the bed, his feet on the bed, his knees bent. I was crawling towards him and I knelt between his legs and gently kissed his right knee. He said later on that he found that the most beautiful and erotic moment of our lovemaking that afternoon.

25. I turn myself on more than anything else. I think I am the most beautiful thing in the world. I pose in the mirrors in 'K's' bedroom (mirrors we bought to watch ourselves), I watch myself in shop windows and any other reflective surface I catch myself in. I love my curves in candle light, my shoulders, hips, breasts. I have been told I am beautiful by so many people. I see this as making up for the years of my youth spent feeling ugly and out of place.