Saturday, April 4, 2009

1. I’m painfully in love with my best friend… and his amazing, gorgeous girlfriend.

2. I lost my virginity when I was 15, a whole year before I got my first period. I don’t know whether to be proud or bothered by this fact.

3. I lost my virginity on the couch in my basement, which my parents had owned since I was little. As a result I’ve become a bit attached sentimentally to that couch.

4. The boy that I lost my virginity to was 2 years older then me. We dated for almost 5 years and I came dangerously close to marrying him. Looking back I don’t know why I stayed with him for so long, he never made me truly happy.

5. Growing up I had a “funny uncle.” He’s my mother’s brother and he suffers from slight mental retardation. Whenever he would come to visit he would always pay a little bit more attention to me then the other kids, kissing and touching me to the point of WAY past normal. I don’t think that anything totally horrible happened to me but I do believe that the way he acted towards me was not appropriate. I’ve only told 2 people in the world about this because I feel that because nothing overtly sexual happened I’m really not a victim of sexual abuse (but inside I know that it fucked me up).

6. Although I consider myself to be an intensely sexual person I’ve had sex with only one person. This makes me feel a bit like a fraud in my circle of friends considering I have the lowest sexual partner count (which is ridiculous I know).

7. I’ve known I was bisexual since I hit puberty. There is just something about the female body that is at times a million times more attractive then a male counterpart. I can’t imagine not being attracted to both guys and girls. I really have no idea how straight people do it!

8. Sometimes I wish I had been born a boy and often I will feel more like a boy then a girl. I use to have HUGE issues about this but have slowly begun to accept it’s just who I am. I now happily consider myself to be gender flexible, with days that I wake up feeling like a badass boy and other days when I’m the most girlish girl on the planet.

9. I wish I was as adventurous in the real world as I am in my head. I think I could really benefit from casual sex but I know I couldn’t have a one night stand if my life depended on it.

10. The best orgasms I used to have (while dating previously mentioned ex-fiancé) were the ones I gave myself. I also gave myself my first orgasm using an electric toothbrush (I was 13 at the time and inventive).

11. Dancing is my secret weapon. Give me some intense beats, a few drinks (depending on the intended target) and I just can’t sit still. I honestly thought about giving stripping a try but I’m sure my idea of stripping is highly romanticized. (Thank you Demi Moore…)

12. I am incredibly self-conscious. I believe that my body shape would have been better suited for past decades and that the current media focus of how men and women should look is disgusting.

13. I’m not really as kinky as my girl friends assume I am. I’ve experimented with handcuffs, ties and mild blood play but I think my girl friends assume that I’m a twisted freak.

14. I am ridiculously affectionate when in a relationship/crushing on somebody but I try my damndest not to express it. I would love nothing better then to just be all over somebody (hold their hand, kiss their neck or face randomly, push my fingers through their hair etc.) but often feel like it’d be too much.

15. I love having sex when I'm slightly intoxicated. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had was while drunk off of Bacardi 151.

16. There is nothing hotter then moaning. Guy or girl, it doesn’t matter; I will lose my mind in the best way.

17. I am a huge fan of kissing. Hour long above the waist make out sessions are almost better then sex. And I’m a bit of a kissing slut; if anyone shows any interest in kissing me I will be in their lap in under a second, even if I have no interest in them for anything else.

18. I definitely have a type for both girls and guys. The guys I’m usually attracted to have dark hair and eyes, on the thin side and have a very odd sense of humor. The girls I’m interested in usually are shorter then me, with curly/wavy hair and ridiculously intense eyes. Personality for both seems to be on the odd side. What can I say; I’m usually attracted to the weird ones.

19. When I first started dating my father told me that I better not ever bring home a girl or a "nigger." I always thought it would be perfect poetic justice if I fall in love with a gorgeous black girl.

20. The sexiest body part on both guys and girls is the back. There is just something about shoulder blades and the knobs of the spine that is elegant and sexy. I’m also a sucker for a girl with legs up to there and razor sharp hipbones; and a boy with rough hands and strong arms.

21. I don’t truly believe in monogamy anymore. After watching my parents divorce, my grandparents bicker and fight till the end of their lives, and my own attempts at monogamy crashing and burning I am a firm believer in flexible monogamy. I’m always going to be attracted to different kinds of people and I believe that the best kind of relationship for me to have is an open, loving one where whoever I’m with can accept and embrace my desires.

22. After all the relationship bullshit that I’ve been through I know that the chances of me ever getting married are slim to none (and slim just left town). This isn’t saying that I don’t believe that I’ll ever be in a long term committed relationship; I just can never see myself having the typical ‘wedding’. I’m a total nonconformist, separated from the extended family and wallflower to boot so the idea of a day being totally focused on me makes me kind of wanna throw up.

23. The boy that I’m in love with now has no idea how intense my feelings are towards him. It scares the ever-loving hell out of me because a. I’ve NEVER felt this strongly about anyone and b. Deep down I know that he’s it, he’s the other half of me (the soul mate that people are always trying so desperately to find) and that this is the absolute worst time and place for me to find him.

24. I’m still working on the perfect playlist for sex. Right now I’ve got a mashup of classic rock, hard rock and alternative. I can’t imagine having sex to a slow song (unless it was soulful and meaningful and if it was the case then music isn’t necessary).

25. For all the pessimistic beliefs about love that I have I am still a hopeless romantic at heart.