Friday, December 10, 2010

1. I am a 22 year old pansexual biological female who wishes that she would have been born intersexed. I feel like it would match my true gender much more closely than just being the androgynous sort of girl I am.

2. Relating to that last sentiment, most of my fantasies and dreams revolve around being able to shapeshift, a la Mystique from X-Men. But in a less creepy and manipulated-by-Magneto sort of way.

3. I’ve been masturbating for as long as I can remember, and I felt guilty about it up until I was 19 or so. I once sat my mom down and talked to her about it when I was about 10, explaining that I was doing something that felt really good “down there” but that I felt guilty about it. Her response was somewhere along the lines of “well don’t feel bad, honey, just don’t do it anymore.” Needless to say, the advice didn’t stick.

4. My first kiss was when I was about 7 and very much in love with The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. I talked my best friend into reenacting the scene where Becky and Tom kiss, and he was up for it, so we went down the street away from our houses and he pecked me on the lips behind a tree.

5. I have never admitted that my first sexual experience was with this same best friend’s sister. We used to go into her woodshed and she would pull her pants down (sometimes to pee, sometimes just to let me look), and I would watch and masturbate. Now that I think about it, it’s fairly obvious that this is why I have a secret desire to try urine-play someday.

6. During those early childhood years, I have vivid memories of sex-play with one boy and three girls, which pretty much sets up my sexuality for you. I’d say my past is a 70/30 ratio of girls to guys relationship-wise.

7. I have only felt completely comfortable in my female body twice in my life. The first time was with an amazing ginger-haired boy I met abroad and had an intensely emotional fling with, and the second time was when I had my first orgasm with a girl I’d been dating for three years. Both moments left me with the most overwhelming “I am woman, hear me roar” sort of sensation that made me feel like my body was the most beautiful and feminine thing in the world.

8. I have only had one orgasm in my life not caused by masturbation, and this was the one in #7. I think it was caused partially by the fact that the girl I was dating, and had been dating for three years, was waiting until marriage (whatever that means when you’re in a gay relationship *sigh*), which meant that I hadn’t had sex in those three years either and I was jonesing for it like no other. Then, on Valentine's Day, we both got hot and bothered and she slipped her fingers into me and within seconds I felt like my whole body was vibrating like a plucked string. It was heavenly.

9. I totally cried after that orgasm, by the way, and I’m not sure to this day if they were happy tears or sad tears. I’ve never cried during sex before or after that.

10. I’ve cheated on two people I’ve been with, if you want to be technical about it. On both occasions the person I was dating and I were on a “break,” but I still feel bad about it. Both of the people I cheated with were amazingly attractive redheads. I’ll admit to having a bit of a fetish in that area.

11. My first love was my best friend when I was 14. She was the first girl in my life I was ever physically, emotionally and mentally attracted to, and she was the cutest little thing I’ve ever seen. Super girly, with long blond hair to boot. I was head over heels. Too bad she was dating a boy! Well, we had that sorted before long: after trying to figure out a sort of three-way relationship she ditched him for me, and we had the most hedonistic, lay-in-bed-all-day-having-sex-then-get-up-and-make-chocolate-chip-pancakes, go-for-walks-holding-hand-in-the-snow-at-midnight sort of love all teenagers dream about. But she ended up being too much for me (her sex drive was and still is through the roof, for one thing, and this is coming from someone who is SO OK with sex a couple times a day), and after much angst we ended it. I’m lucky enough that after a couple rocky years we’ve become best friends again, but without all the drama that teenage puppy-love brings.

12. I watch porn about once a month (jeeze, I wonder what could possibly correspond with that?) and most of it is either guys jacking off, or flat-out guy-on-girl doggie style.

13. I’m WAY more into written porn, slash and erotica than I am into pictures and videos.

14. I’m pretty sure that I’ll always be in love with that ginger-haired fellow I mention in #7. He has the honor (or misfortune?) of being the only male I’ve ever fallen in love with, and I didn’t recognize it as love until too late. Had the situation been slightly different, and had we made slightly different choices, I might still be with him today. But that’s always the way, isn’t it?

15. He and I did everything except have full-on intercourse, because I froze up at the last minute. I was suddenly taken over by memories of the other time I cheated on a girlfriend and how I promised myself I’d never do it again. I left his room that day with my self-respect mostly intact, but I’ve wished every single day since then that I’d gone through with it.

16. I’ve come to realize that being so unsure and uncomfortable with my assigned gender can be a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it means that because I feel like half a girl and half a guy (though I hate the binary that brings up) I can pretty much become whatever the person I’m dating wants me to be. That’s pretty useful when your girlfriend just wants you to drill her, or your boyfriend wants you to make him feel like he’s the manliest man around (or vice versa!), but it can also lead you down the road of just being something to please someone else. If I feel like I’ve been pigeonholed into one exclusive role in a relationship, I get a bit freaked out. I have to be able to flow back and forth between masculine and feminine, or I don’t feel like I’m being true to myself.

17. All that about gender being said, I have to also admit that I’m fascinated by the trans community. I don’t want to objectify anyone, but I feel like dating somebody who was trans would be perfect! They’d understand my need for fluidity, I think, and I hope I’d be decent enough to treat them like the gender they’ve always known they are. On a randier note, I’ll totally own up to being turned on by a transguy who’s packing.

18. As for kink, I’m down with light to medium BDSM (I identify as a switch, not surprisingly), I LOVE being tied up and held helpless but I also have a lot of tie-you-up-and-do-naughty-things-to-you fantasies. I’ve never tried anal, but as per my rules regarding sex I’ll try anything once. I was once with a girl who was into choking, and as much as I wanted to do it to make her happy, I just couldn’t. It seemed too abusive, so I guess that rules out the hard stuff for me!

19. One thing I KNOW I want to try, but I’m too shy to ask for it, is spanking. The idea turns me on to no end, but it’d have to be with the right person.

20. Doggie is my favorite position by far, which is strange because I haven’t done it much. I have a fantasy about a guy just pounding into me like this until I scream, and it’s very animalistic, which I suppose classifies as kink(?). But of course I also have the corresponding fantasy of strapping on a cock and giving it to a girl until we fall down, exhausted. So there you go.

21. Because of this doggie-style fetish thing, spooning is tough on me. I can handle being the little spoon for a couple of minutes, but after that I’m so riled up I just want more.

22. Despite all this “I’m confused about my gender-identity” stuff I have going on, I’m SUPER excited to be a mother someday. I imagine I’d be equally excited to be a father if I was a guy, but anyway... I think pregnancy and birth are two of the coolest things in nature, and I’m looking forward to being part of it and seeing my body go through all those changes.

23. I go gaga for dirty talk. Seriously, start telling me what you want to do to me and I’ll be all over you in seconds.

24. But a total turn-off for me is when someone goes down on a guy and he grabs their head and starts shoving it back and forth. I’ve never had it done to me (and if you did I’d probably bitchslap you), but just the idea creeps me out.

25. I used to think I was immune to jealousy, and my younger self thought this meant I was polyamorous. Turns out I just hadn’t met someone I cared enough about to be monogamous with. This certainly isn’t the case for everyone, but I’m glad I’ve learned the difference in my life.