Tuesday, December 7, 2010

1 - I'm a 21 y.o. gay male and virgin as they come. And by virgin, I really mean no sexual interaction of any kind with a second person. Not even a kiss, or a handjob, or a mutual jerk-off. Nothing. And here's the kicker: I'm an art student. Yep.

2 - I guess this is due to a number of factors. I was pretty shy growing up, and very overweight, and in a very conservative town. People say I don't look gay, whatever that means. I'm not in the closet (except with family, for now), but it seems I only ever meet straight guys (with girls, that's a different story). I've never been really interested in any of the very few out gay guys I met, and all the guys I've felt any kind of attraction to were, as far as I know, straight (maybe with the exception of one, who might actually have been interested in me, but when I realized this and tried to re-connect, it was too late). And, last but not least, I'm not looking for casual sex.

3 - The closest I've ever come to "experimenting" as a teenager was watching porn with a childhood friend. His eyes were glued to the boobs on the screen, mine were glued to the bulge in his pants. Obviously, nothing happened (besides him having to ride his bike back home with a boner).

4 - I can't seriously imagine myself in a "one thing led to another" scenario. Or anyone else, for that matter. I think the total desert that my sex life has been all my life has lead me to subconsciously elevate any kind of romantic/sexual interaction to the level of myths. Like it's something that simply doesn't ever happen. A situation where two people would be mutually interested in each other at the same time feels like such a farfetched idea - yet, rationally, I know perfectly well it's not.

5 - Despite all this, I never felt like meeting guys online was the way to go. I'm a hopeless romantic. If things don't change, though, I think I might have to force myself to think otherwise. This is getting silly. At this point, casual sex is really not an option (I think. Maybe). I'm not looking for Prince Charming, but is it too much to ask that my first time is with someone I trust and care about?

6 - Technically, I have had my first kiss, both with a girl and with a boy. The former was in kindergarten, with a friend who wanted to be my "girlfriend", the later in primary school, when me and a friend shared a quick peck on the lips to annoy my brother (hey, what do you know, I was already gay and he was already a homophobe). And no, the way I see it, they don't count. My first kiss will be a real one, dammit.

7 - Growing up, I was so glad that I didn't usually look or act effeminate because I was terrified by the idea of someone even suspecting I was gay. Now, however, I feel like I might have a better chance of finding someone if, at least, I looked like I'm into guys. I mean, how am I supposed to get a boyfriend if I don't look like I want one? Again, I'm not in the closet, but it's not like I introduce myself as "hi, my name is X and I'm gay" either. I'm just being me.

8 - I know that people who meet me nowadays don't imagine my clean track record when it comes to relationships. Referring to #2 - I'm A LOT more sociable and confident, I lost enough weight to put me in the ideal weight zone and, even though I'm not a model, I know I'm not a hideous monster either - I've been told I'm good looking, but you can't really trust your friends when they say that. Maybe I suffer from ugly duckling syndrome. Or maybe it's the fact that, among the dozens and dozens of guys I've met in the past two months in my new school, there doesn't seem to be a single gay guy. Either way, I'm still not getting any.

9 - After reading this blog, I'm absolutely delighted so many people experimented with both genders and that there might be more fluidity in the world than I thought. I totally respect when people say they don't want to be labeled and I wholeheartedly agree. I consider myself a very open-minded person. Who can say I'll never be interested in a girl?

10 - ...Yet, even as I typed that last sentence, I didn't really believe myself, to be completely honest. Yes, no one knows what's in store, but my whole life I've never felt the slightest romantic/sexual attraction to any girl. Quite often, I find myself thinking "I really like hanging out with this female friend of mine, if I was straight I'd totally be in love with her", but the most I've ever felt like doing with any of them was hugging and staying up all night talking (seriously). I recall having ONE sex dream (not wet dream) involving a random woman, and even then there was also a couple of my male friends involved. I was, maybe, twelve. So, personally, I don't really have an issue with calling myself "gay". I'm pretty sure I am.

11 - #10 also explains why I never did anything with a girl. I never really felt inclined to even try it. At all.

12 - I used to worry that my penis was small, but it's not really an issue now. It's not big, but I'm pretty sure it's average-ish. I guess I'm a grower, not a shower. Plus, the confidence thing.

13 - When I start getting aroused, I start pre-cumming. When I start pre-cumming, I pre-cum a lot. I don't really have a term of comparison, but I'm pretty sure it's a lot. When I'm jerking off, I usually have to wipe the excess a couple of times to prevent it from running down my dick. I love it, by the way.

14 - I'm bored of porn. I still watch it, but really, I have to try way too hard to find stuff that's not over-produced and obviously fake and it's annoying. Erotic stories are better, much better, but even those used to have a much greater effect on me.

15 - Yet, all the old, tired porno clich├ęs really get my imagination going. You know, the plumber, the construction worker, the neighbour, the hot teacher, the room mate. I wonder what it would be like to have spontaneous sex of that type. I don't think I'd be able to try anything now even if the opportunity presented itself, but maybe I'll think differently when I'm more experienced.

16 - Because I keep to myself (even though that's changing, bit by bit), I think people got the idea I was sort of asexual, or not very interested in sex. However, I'm VERY interested and extremely curious about it - sucking cock in particular. I'm pretty sure it's something I'm going to love doing (actually, now that I think of it, in most of my wet dreams, I was blowing someone). But kissing is definitely number one, simple as it may be. Seeing really passionate kissing between two guys arouses me more than I can admit. I guess I'm a very oral person. Also, I've tried licking my cum and hated the taste, but the idea of swallowing someone else's, or someone swallowing mine, gets me royally turned on. Facials, however, do nothing for me. I find them pretty yucky.

17 - I'm very vanilla. Saliva, sweat and sperm are the only bodily fluids I'd be comfortable with. I'm not interested in any kind of pain or blood or BDSM. If anything, I guess I'd be okay with a bit of watersports, if my partner really wanted, but then only in a "clean" environment (like the shower) and nowhere near my face. But personally - no.

18 - My biggest kink is definitely incest. Those are the stories I usually read. Only in fantasy though, looking from the outside; I have absolutely no sexual interest in anyone in my family. It's a bit weird, now that I think of it.

19 - I find foreskins sexy, but I really don't care when it comes to my partner. I'm really glad I'm uncut, though. I also have a thing for weirdly shaped/unusual cocks.

20 - After a bit of thought, I realized that if I ever fell for a guy and he turned out to be a f-to-m trans person, and he hadn't had a sexual reassignment surgery, I probably wouldn't give a shit. Okay, he wouldn't have a penis, but vaginas don't really disgust me or turn me off by themselves, it's the women attached to them. However, if he still had feminine breasts, that would probably affect me. I don't know why either of these things are so - but they are.

21 - Which reminds me - for some reason, I can't seem to be attracted to guys with long hair, at all. He could be the hottest guy on earth, but if he wears a ponytail, chances are I won't look twice. Again, I have no idea why this is, but it just is. Of course, I'm talking solely of physical attraction, and I don't rule out the possibility of having a relationship with a long-haired dude.

22 - I'm not really comfortable with the idea of being with someone much older, but the truth is, older men get me hot. I once spent a couple of hours on a train sitting next to a man in his forties, wearing a suit. The faint scent of his cologne made me secretly wish he would fuck my brains out. I had a hard-on most of the time.

23 - Because of my inexperience, I'm afraid my ability to withhold my orgasm during my earlier sexual experiences will be similar to that of a 13-year-old. But I'm pretty sure I'll turn out to be a pretty good lover. I got imagination to boot and, stupid as it may sound in this context, I've read a lot.

24 - As a little kid, I used to enact sex scenes between my Barbie and my brother's Action Man. I always felt very attracted to his plastic chest, and I'm pretty sure that, if we'd had two Action Men, Barbie would stay in the toy box quite often.

25 - I've never told anyone this, and I don't think I ever will, but during my teenage years I really wished I was a girl. It just seemed so much easier - I wouldn't have to hide the fact that I was into guys, I could be affectionate to my female friends without people thinking I had second intentions, my lack of talent for team sports would be overlooked. I'm not sure I ever wanted to really be a girl, though, or if I just wanted my life to be easier and being a girl seemed like a better option than liking girls. Nowadays, I just wish I was a much hotter, open and adventurous gay guy. That would be awesome.