Sunday, January 8, 2012

1. I am a 20-year-old single bisexual femme female. I am graduating college in the spring.

2. I have only achieved orgasm manually twice. The first time was when I was 16, and the second when I was 19. Both were in front of whichever man I was dating at the time. Both found it intensely arousing and fascinating. I felt that the orgasm was underwhelming. Any other time has been either too soft, or more often, too rough. I haven't played enough with myself in that way to really guide a guy if he really wanted to try. I know I should explore that more, but I like any other orgasm more, so we'll see.

3. My go-to vibrator has been the same since I was 14. My mom bought me a lipstick vibe when I was 14 because she thought that if I could experience and control my own orgasms, I wouldn't actively seek out sex from guys. This worked for a while. When that one either broke or got lost, I happened to stumble upon the same exact one at a novelty store and bought it. Though I have a fairly extensive collection of toys, that has been the number one. I recently bought myself a new one with both internal and clitoral stimulation, but it is also small, and I'm hoping to get used to a completely new sensation.

4. While it can be incredibly difficult for me to reach orgasm, when I do, I'm a multiple-orgasm type of gal. In the best romp I've had at least 6-7. If I'm on my own and have the time I can go for up to 20. However, I notice that in most partner situations, even if they are eager to get me off more than once, I tend to stop them after one. I'm not sure why.

5. I have this vague memory of me at 13 in the back of a van with my best friend's older brother. He is on top of me, kissing me, and he feels heavy. His hand is up my shirt, and in my pants rubbing against me roughly. He is 16 and I don't like it at all, but I think that this must be normal since he is older than me. I remember being just frozen there, wondering if this was how I was going to lose my virginity, until one of his friends bangs on the van door and then we are done. I have never told anyone this story.

6. My boyfriend in high school hated oral sex, giving or receiving, so I never got a chance to try either until much later. I gave him a lot of hand jobs outside my house in the front seat of his Mom's Subaru. The most he did with me was stick his hand in my pants. We were together two years and I faked every orgasm. To this day he doesn't know.

7. I lost my virginity the year after graduating high school to a guy who I knew by reputation from high school for having a clean record but having just enough experience. I was expecting it to hurt, but it was great. I don't think I came, but I had a blast. He was the first person who let me go down on him and who went down on me. I was surprised at how much I liked giving and receiving oral sex. He also was into a bit of BDSM, which I was just beginning to realize I enjoyed.

8. I don't remember how exactly I realized I greatly enjoyed BDSM, but I remember a good friend and I got a lot of books and swapped them. We absorbed everything we could about the culture. The guy in 6 bought me my first corset in leather and I still have it to this day, and it makes me feel sexier than anything else. I love anything sensory-deprivation, being completely tied down, blindfolded and/or gagged unless I am doing something to please someone. I am a control freak in real life, so there's something so amazingly freeing about giving yourself over entirely to someone.

9. At the same time, I'm also a fighter. I will attempt, at least once, to get out of any restraints put on me. I love seeing people's frustration with my Houdini acts. I love trying to be a tease until a partner has no choice to get aggressive with what they want.

9. I love rough sex. Like "pin you on the wall, toss you around, grab your hair and call you names" type of rough. I love the feeling of being completely used and abused for someone's absolute pleasure. Any time I've been in situations where this is not the case, I get bored.

10. I love it when guys come on me: my back, my chest, or my face. It goes along with the dominance play, but I also love the feeling afterwards when they clean you up. I once had a guy get a warm wet towel and wipe me down with it afterwards, and it was one of our most intimate, loving moments in our relationship.

11. I've been fortunate with several great group-sex experiences. The first was with a man who I grew to love more than anything along with a lovely woman who was a mutual friend. There was another threesome going on in the same bed as well, which added to the effect. I remember being so on top of the world after that experience that I managed to leave having forgotten my underwear. The second was a a year later in a hotel room at a fetish convention with a man who I was currently in a play relationship with, and a beautiful woman I had just been introduced to. There were a lot of people watching that one, and at one point several people came in to help keep me pinned down since I kept wriggling out of restraints while the one woman was going down on me, and a man was kissing me deeply. I was blindfolded, so I don't know how many people ended up holding me down and touching me, but it was an amazing feeling of being incredibly loved and utterly powerless.

12. The best sex I have ever had was on Thanksgiving after a big dinner party. I was drawn up a bath while he made cinnamon rolls, and something about us, and the smell of cinnamon, and me having just gotten out of a bath… It was the most sensual, intimate experience of my life. It was over several hours, and he came twice before ejaculating. I lost count of how many times I came.

13. Up until about two years ago, I was silent as the grave in bed. I don't know if it was because I was so used to being in my parent's house, or that I didn't know what I was missing, but something snapped in me after someone whispered to me "you know, you can be as loud as you want," and that was it. Ever since then, I couldn't be quiet if I tried. I try to stop myself from screaming sometimes by biting my arm, but the last time I did that I accidentally drew blood.

14. I used to be pretty well known in our local BDSM community for my pain tolerance. This was flattering at first, and gained me a lot of attention, but also landed me in some uncomfortable situations. I trusted a good friend and Dom to lead me through that community, and he ended up putting me in a position where I ended up the unwilling participant of knife play. The scars on my back from that have finally gone away after a few years. I pretty much stayed away from major BDSM events from that point forward.

15. As I've moved to a different city, I've been yearning for a welcoming, tolerant community. Based on previous experiences, I'm hesitant to just go into a party or event without having existing personal relationships with at least some of the people. I think I'm much more interested in being around a group of people that I know are in a similar mindset, rather than so much the play aspect of it.

16. I adore the term play as it relates to sex. Ultimately, that's what I believe sex to be: playful, light, carefree. Even in my deepest, darkest, fantasies, I'm a huge believer that you have to laugh at least once before, during, or after. I want to play and explore partners, and I think that it the sexiest thing anyone can do to me.

17. I am beginning to realize that even more than the pain what I love more than anything is the mindfuck. The ability to relinquish all control to another person who tells you exactly what to do and when is an extremely liberating feeling. One of my next challenges to myself is to write my first sexually explicit narrative regarding that feeling and try to get it published on a sex-ed/kink blog.

18. It should be noted that I have been told I am an amazing writer of erotica/exotica. I started writing fan fiction smut as a teenager, before I had ever had sex and got lots of compliments on it. As I grew older, my writings took on a much more detailed nature, and I have been commissioned to write short erotica stories. When I go back and read the ones I wrote a few years back, I'm still struck with the kind of intense arousal and emotions that I was wanting to elicit in readers. I'm sad that I don't write as much of them anymore.

19. I came out as bisexual my freshman year in college. I had played around with girls before then, mostly some making out, some under-shirt grabbing... but I wasn't really sure what my reaction would be with another woman. All I knew was that I found them soft, sensual, and alluring, giving me a very different sense than when I was with men. I've hooked up with two girls, and made out with a lot of others. There's only one whom I really wished I could have had sex with, but she moved away. Most of the women I've liked I either crush on emotionally because of their intelligence, or physically, but rarely both.

20. I lived in a house full of men for a year in college, and it was the most freeing experience of my life. While we didn't do anything sexually, being around a much less stifling mentality regarding sex, sexuality and relationships really opened my eyes and boosted my self confidence. Before that, living with girls, all I got was weird looks and whispered calls of "slut."

21. I don't consider myself a slut. I've slept with 8 people. That doesn't make me feel bad, though a lot of girls when I was in college liked to make me feel like I was doing something wrong. I remember all of their names, and I'd been with most of them for a longish time.

22. I'm debating whether the last guy I was with counts towards that number. It was rebound sex on my part and he was tiny. Like, I didn't feel a darn thing tiny. Does it count if you can't even feel it's there?

23. That was my attempt at trying to get over the worst breakup of my life, from the one who got away. Same from 12. Was a part of 11. I'm still not over it, and I doubt I will be. He is the first and only to make me see the difference between having sex and making love. The latter is magical, however clich├ęd. Though yes, it did still involve me getting tossed around a bunch.

24. I've been monogamous and polyamorous. I don't seem to have a preference for either. All I have been able to assertion is that polyamory and long distance relationships do not work well together. At all. I somehow have split up my life based on what I want, which is a long term polyamorous relationship that involves sharing in family responsibilities with another polyamorous couple, and what I need, which is to have a very simple relationship with one person and regain my trust in loving people. I wish those two things didn't have to be mutually exclusive.

25. Writing this series has taken me over a month, and has been one of the most terrifying things I've done in a long time. I hope that it will have resonance with readers, as I know so many of the stories on here have done for me. I'm also hoping writing this series will help me on a path towards more sexual acceptance of myself.