Monday, February 16, 2009

1. I was the only virgin in my senior class in high school. I'm sure about this because there were only 15 people in my class and they'd all fucked each other. Of course, I was the exception to this circle jerk.
2. On that note, I had to move to Seattle and hook up with a guy in order to lose said virginity. I met him through a classified ad in Maximumrocknroll.
3. In college, I was watching the movie Henry and June with a very gay male friend and we wound up making out. We were both so embarrassed that we never talked about it.
4. Marriage does strange things to one's libido.
5. I'm pretty hetero, but when I become friends with women who are gay or bi, I inevitably get crushes on them.
6. The men I'm physically attracted to fall into two categories: fey, effeminate skinny types (Bowie, Lord Byron) or super manly men (The Rock, Clive Owen).
7. I'm not a prude, but I dislike talking about my sex life, even in therapy. I was raised in a household where sex and sexual issues were taboo even though my folks walked around naked and had five kids. That contrast is probably a big part of the reason I find it embarrassing to discuss sex.
8. At the age of thirteen, I sprouted a rather impressive pair of 34DD breasts that are, to this day, my primary sexual characteristic. Nonetheless, I dislike having my boobs touched/fondled. It's like going for the most obvious thing first.
9. The men I'm mentally attracted to tend to be super smart, super nerdy, and are usually not interested in me at all.
10. Aside from the big boobs, I also have what some people have rudely referred to as "a butt like a black girl" or "an ass you can see from outer space."
11. R. Crumb once chased me around a room, but I did not give him a piggyback ride.
12. If I'm honest about it, I'm a little submissive. Okay, a lot.
13. Nonetheless, I'm aggressive about pursuing people I'm attracted to. Not stalkerish, but blunt.
14. I worked as a nude model for a photographer when I was very underaged (hello, lawsuit). I wound up making out with him, although he was older and married, but to his credit he was pretty squicked out by the whole thing (as am I, thinking back on it).
15. I also worked very briefly (for two nights) at a strip club.
16. I've had sex with somewhere between twenty and thirty people. This seems like a modest number to me, but then again I live in a very sexually permissive part of the world.
17. It has occurred to me that I may be the only woman in the world who dislikes both extended foreplay and chocolate. Sometimes this makes me suspect I was born with a dick and balls that haven't descended yet.
18. Porn is whatever. Politically, I do have some issues with it, but it serves its purpose and people are welcome to it.
19. I'm kind of anti romantic. It's pointless to try and seduce me in any of the cliched ways. Write me something, a song, a letter, a poem, a note, you name it, and I'm yours.
20. Once, I got involved in a threesome and it was the silliest experience I've ever had. In retrospect, I just laugh and laugh about it. That may be because it involved me, another girl, and a guy. Why don't threesomes ever consist of two guys and a girl?
21. Sometimes when I'm giving readings, I inadvertently rest my boobs on the podium/table (see item 8; they weigh a ton), not realizing what's going on. Once I did this in front of my friend's dad. We were about fourteen, and she never forgave me.
22. I would really like it if someone had a crush on me. It's been years. My husband says guys check me out a lot, but I'm so clueless about these things. It's kind of a turn on just knowing someone likes you, and it doesn't have to go any further than that.
23. Although I do find them terribly attractive, there's something weird about the idea of the Obamas having sex in the White House.
24. Bondage, sex toys, dressing up in outfits and so on do nothing for me. Give me straight ahead fucking and I'm good. If you like that stuff, great, but I just start giggling.
25. My first sexual crush ever was on Mr. Spock from Star Trek.