Sunday, February 15, 2009

1. Many people have tried to convince me that I am gay. I tried it out just so I could be sure. I'm not.
2. I learned how to masturbate by reading "The Color Purple". I was 13.
3. I once kept a totally psychotic boyfriend around because he was incredible in bed. I've broken up with others quickly for being bad in bed.
4. When I am not in a relationship, I no longer pursue recreational sex. I'd rather be celibate
5. When I am celibate, I do not masturbate or think about sex, except when I'm asleep.
6. The first time I touched a penis, I was horrified. My boyfriend, a repressed Catholic, seemed to think there was something awful about it. We broke up soon thereafter.
7. I will never have anal sex. Ever. A chronic condition and surgery has made that impossibly painful.
8. I would like to be a man for a day so that I could use my actual penis to fuck an actual woman. Strap on doesn't cut it.
9. I do not own a single sex toy. Mainly because I choose to be celibate between relationships and my boyfriends have been pretty vanilla.
10. When I was a child, before I knew what masturbation was, I used to fantasize about being held prisoner by boys in my class and having my genitals 'tickled'. I was in the third grade.
11. The first time I kissed a boy, I felt so humiliated I carved a cross into my arm with a needle. I'm not Christian.
12. The first time I kissed a boy, he was so drunk and high that I thought I was only attractive if boys were drunk and high when they were with me. He was so sloppy that he sucked all the paint off my wooden necklace. PS - he liked my friend, not me. To this day I get queasy if I find out my quarry has an intimate relationship with substances.
13. The last time I fooled around with my married boyfriend, he told me that seeing me kept him from seeing prostitutes. He just lost his privileges.
14. In general, I avoid married men like the plague, although that's primarily who I attract these days. Note to married guy: I don't care how great the sex sounds, unless you are planning to buy me a car, I'll pass.
15. When I am in a relationship, I need to have sex all the time, four or five times a day if possible. When I am single, I don't miss it at all.
16. I write down the name and month and year of every sexual liaison I have had, going back to my first kiss. I figure my memory will go bad and it will be a fun reminder of the people I experienced.
17. Though many of my masturbation fantasies revolve around exhibitionism and group sex, I never want to experience either. Not for me.
18. To this day, if I think of a boy I met when I was 14 who stalked me while on a ski trip, I get sick to my stomach. It was just another experience that made sex and sexuality seem like a strange, alien thing,
19. For nearly 4 months, I met up with an engaged guy at my work for "peaches" in the walk-in cooler at my job. He performed the services. I never reciprocated. I never felt that this was wrong. When he finally asked for sex, I stopped talking to him.
20. I'd rather eat a great meal than have great sex.
21. The always try to have at least 2 night stands. You get to explore more than 1 night stands, and understand if you are really missing something.
22. One reason I have avoided recreational sex is that I finally recognize that my emotions and hormones overpower my rational mind and I end up dating people who I should have just screwed and kissed goodbye.
23. I (obviously) do not express myself through my sexuality. And there's nothing wrong with that.
24. I used to masturbate with a lacrosse ball. Back in high school. It was my practice ball. For lacrosse.
25. As long as I still have the senses of taste and sight, if I never had sex again, I'd be sad but I'd be okay.