Friday, February 20, 2009

1. I have to start out by saying that I am a virgin. This fact may or may not inhibit my ability to come up with another 24 items, since this particular one seems to be the one that dominates my life.
2. Because I am a virgin, every time I'm around a bunch of folks who start talking about sex, I start to panic. I'm a bad liar. I can't fake my way through a conversation about sex, but I don't want to come right out and tell folks that I've never been with anyone before. It's just mortifying.
3. My mother caught me masturbating as a kid. As a result, I feel guilty each and every time I masturbate. Even saying "I Masturbate" makes me want to throw up a little.
4. I have a lot of guilt and fear around sexuality and relationships. I'm not exactly sure where it comes from, but it's incredibly debilitating. However, the thought of going to a therapist really bothers me.
5. I have only had one real relationship. It lasted less than two months. It was with a guy who broke up with me via text message in the middle of the night and followed up the next day by telling me that he felt like he'd be faking it the whole time. After we broke up, I couldn't even muster a crush on anyone for a long time. I felt pretty much useless when it came to sex and relationships. It wasn't until very recently that I felt like I was interested in anyone again. It had been almost 2 years.
6. My first kiss was when I was 17 years old. It was on my mother's birthday. It was with the guy who worked the counter at my local comic shop. Nerd for life!
7. I have a love/hate relationship with my boobs. They're on the big side, so there are benefits; but I hate my nipples. Also I wish that I could wear any old dress or shirt that I wanted instead of wagering on whether or not it will look like I'm smothering a small animal under my shirt.
8. I get crushes on girls, but much like my crushes on boys, I avoid actual intimate interaction like the plague.
9. That said, I'm not sure if I'd ever actually like to be with a girl sexually or if I'm actually just enamored with the idea of bisexuality. I can't really quite gauge where I am on the Kinsey scale....but I'd like to think I'd be open to finding out.
10. I used to worry that maybe I was asexual.
11. I don't think I'm actually asexual, I just think I'm functionally retarded when it comes to intimacy.
12. I worry that because I have never been in love inside a relationship, that all the romantic love I ever feel is completely invalid. This fact depresses me as I am perhaps not-so-secretly a romantic. Can a person be in love with another person if their love is not reciprocated? I sincerely hope so.
13. I rarely have sex dreams.
14. I recently bought a vibrator. I am still embarrassed.
15. I sometimes fantasize about asking a friend to deflower me so that I can just get it over with. I'm not sure if that's the best idea, but sometimes I think that a lot of my problems with intimacy stem from the fact that I'm scared of having to disclose my virginity. How the hell do you ask a friend to deflower you?!?!
16. I still feel fairly sexual despite all my neurosis and issues. I think I'd be a good partner....eventually.
17. I will never ever be comfortable enough with my body to get a Brazilian wax. I don't care that much about body hair. It's weird to imagine some stranger ripping hair off your nether regions.
18. When I was a kid, I used to go to slumber parties where the girls would kiss girls (under the guise of getting ready to kiss REAL boys someday) and play fairly sexual games with each other....I'm not sure if we were freaks or if all kids do this.
19. My first sexual crush was Dan Aykroyd. Or maybe Gene Wilder. Or Jeff Goldblum. One of those guys. I had VERY mature taste for kid. Or maybe I just liked to laugh.
20. I have a bad habit of falling deep into crush with my close male friends.
21. I sometimes wonder if I'm suppressing memories of some sexual abuse, since I have such issues with sex and sexuality, but I don't have any proof or memory thereof, so I pretty much stop there.
22. I have only kissed 3 boys. And out of those three lucky fellas, only one of them I kissed more than once.
23. I hate it when people tell me I'm lucky to be single. What do they know about being single??? I am the expert on single. It sucks.
24. Whenever guys hit on me, I'm immediately suspicious of them. Are they playing a joke on me? Do they have some chubby girl fetish? Or perhaps are they just that desperate? I fear that I might never want anyone who might want me.
25. Penises freak me out. There, I said it.