Thursday, February 10, 2011

1. I am a 25-year-old male who gets off thinking about men or women. I've slept with 10 girls and got a handjob once from a guy in a bathhouse. It was great! But I bailed immediately afterwards because I lost interest. I've been working abroad off and on for the past few years, which provides pretty good opportunities to travel.

2. My first blowjob was from a girl at summer camp, and it was fantastic. The next one was from my girlfriend who had previously told me she thought it was gross, which made me feel pretty bad for a long time. I still don't really like blowjobs, partially because I like more body contact, partially because they are rarely that good, and partially because I still feel it is demeaning to women (or at least many think so). I love cunnilingus, but I don't feel good when women don't show the same enthusiasm for fellatio.

3. The first time I had sex was with my longtime girlfriend, and it was very intimate and loving. Over the years we tried a lot of different things, but I don't think I could ever really give her the dominance that she wanted. We broke up just from moving to different places, but a year ago we had 2 passionate nights together. I found myself remembering to be more dominant than I normally would be, just because I knew she'd like it.

4. For a long time I have identified myself to people I know as “guy who loves to go after and talk about chicks.” This is sort of contradictory to reality, which is that I usually hate one-night stands because I get so worried about STDs afterwards, and I can only really enjoy sex with someone I am totally relaxed with. I find myself falling in love with women all the time; bank clerks, fellow passengers, girls in movies. But at the end of the day I usually have the best orgasms to gay porn.

5. It's strange to say, but I was looking at lots of amateur men posing nude on the internet for several years before I realized that I could possibly be gay. The moment I realized felt like one of those screen shots in the movies where everything focuses in on one point and the background zooms away. I was in college, and had gone out on a date with a gorgeous girl, but then found we had absolutely no chemistry. That night, sitting in my room, wondering what happened, I put two and two together: I'd been looking at a lot of naked men on the internet, I wasn't hooking up with girls, I might be gay... it was a pretty big funk I got myself into. I tried to talk to my long-distance girlfriend about it, but she treated the issue with fear and doubt. It only cleared up several months later when I was lying with said girlfriend in bed, and after some kissing I felt my penis coming back to life. Only then I realized that the realities of what I actually liked were not what I thought.

6. I've cheated before, and though I wouldn't encourage it, I don't regret it. My first girlfriend and I had been off and on for several years. Our connection was close--first sex, and lots of growing up together. While I studied abroad in college we weren't together, but we talked every day on gchat. About a month before I was going to return I learned that for most of the time we had been talking she had been sleeping with someone else. This was a big deal for us because it was the first person she'd been with after me. I should have had no reason to be angry, of course, because we weren't “together,” though it felt like the greatest betrayal of my life. Our final year of college (at different universities, very far apart) we decided to stay together long distance, and this is when I cheated on her three times (no sex, making out, some playful breast juggling and a blowjob). Strangely (or perhaps horribly), only after I had cheated on her was I able to release that sense of betrayal I still carried. After that, we had a very nice relationship until I moved overseas.

7. While I was overseas, circumstances put me into a relationship with a girl who I didn't feel very compatible with, but she really had no one else and I had no one else from my own culture. I tried to break up with her several times, but she refused. Where she lived she simply had no one, and she needed someone to connect with. This cracked our relationship like an egg on a rock, everything out in the open with almost no limitations. Surprisingly, our connection improved greatly--our sex became fantastic, we were able to talk to each other with total honesty, and we were able to explore a lot about ourselves within the safe space we created. She was the first girl I was able to talk about my interest in other guys to, and she was always encouraging. Once we returned from overseas she started dating women. Though perhaps she and I won't be having sex anytime soon, I'm grateful for the relationship--it was totally unbounded and supportive. Occasionally we do a bit of cybersex, which is still a bit weird.

8. The second person I ever had sex with was a girl from my university, the same age and very beautiful. She was really the initiator: she was the type of person that goes for what they want. Circumstances were such that we were both on campus at the end of the year and not much else was going on, so we fooled around a bit. A week or so later she left and invited me to her parents' lake house, where after some wine she convinced me to have sex (I was still in the “sex is for lovemaking” phase). The condom she produced was unlubricated--“I don't need lubrication”--and after some difficulty we decided not to use one at all (a ruse?). At the end of that summer I got tested and came back with chlamydia. The lake house girl was furious that I would even suggest I had gotten it from her, but she was the only possibility. Years later, a nurse at the university medical center said “Sometimes people lie about those things.”

9. Fortunately, chlamydia is a minor and curable STD, though having it made me really feel dirty and detached from my body. I felt like my penis was a weapon of scourge. I think some of these feelings still linger, which causes problems when I am getting with girls I don't know very well. On the upside, I have worn a condom for sex ever since—7 years without condomless sex. How good it must feel!

10. I find the Internet dangerously alluring when it comes to sex. Several years ago I posted a few faceless pics on a amateur site, and all the commenting and PM'ing became almost addictive. From there, I started posting pics on a gay version of the same site, and got much more attention. It feels very sexy to take pictures of yourself in various sexy and exposed poses. The attention from men is very gratifying, and led to some of my first cybersex chats and photo exchanges.

11. From my forays on the Internet I found myself most attracted to big-bellied, slightly hairy, older men. I wrote a few erotic stories for Literotica and found the process as arousing as the result. I signed up for a site that caters to older men and younger admirers, and sometimes will message back and forth a bit with older men in my area, though I'm not sure if I will ever really go through with it. I'm simply too scared of STDs.

12. About a year ago I posted an ad on Craigslist to see if anyone had had a similar situation to mine. I got a lot of responses, and ended up meeting with a guy to talk about how he had been married and then eventually come out. However, though on paper it had seemed similar, in actuality his story was different from mine. He had been religious and carried some guilt about it, and also never really liked licking vagina. After our coffee he said if I ever wanted to try anything in a safe place I could do so with him. I declined, but I still think about that when I masturbate sometimes. He also sent me an email a week later inviting me to dinner, but I declined. I didn't really have any interest in a relationship, just passionate sex.

13. Several months ago I met a very nice girl in a foreign place, and I had the chance to spend a weekend with her before I was departing. I was very nervous about it—I had a small chance to be a stallion in bed, and if I couldn't perform she would always remember that (reason tells me this is a bit over the top, I know, but my brain is a simple creature). We had a lot of nice time together and drank a lot of wine, but the first evening she didn't want to have sex because she had a headache. She also doesn't orgasm from cunnilingus, which for some reason made me feel even more ineffective. The next evening (after another day of nice strolls, snacks, and wine) she really wanted to have sex but I found I did not, or rather could not: my penis was completely unresponsive. There, lying in bed, the clock ticking down to my evening departure, my brain was wracked. I'm sure it wasn't such a big deal to her, but to me it felt like a failure.

14. I left that girl to go on a trip back home (I was working overseas again). I traveled with two male friends and at times found the masculine energy too much—I was always getting erections even though neither of these dudes are what anyone would describe as attractive (fat from too much beer or wiry from too many cigarettes). After I left them I had a chance to go to a bathhouse by myself in Berlin, and I took it. I spent an hour wandering around the place, sort of shaking off followers/starers looking for something to happen. I saw a barrel-chested man giving another a blowjob and I was fascinated. I sat in the theater section and watched gay porn while slowly stroking, some men watched me but everyone was so shy. Finally in the steamroom I started talking to an older german man and asked if I could touch him—it was interesting, but I didn't experience the chills I had expected. He licked my ears and squeezed my pecs and nipples with some ferocity but I didn't want to kiss him. I didn't let him suck me because I wanted to minimize my risk. It took him a while to get hard so I finished from his handjob before he really got anything. After I had cum all over the floor (there were some other guys watching in there, but it was pretty dark and steamy), I stood up and went to rinse off (realizing how much cum I could have been sitting in). I feel bad that I didn't even finish that guy off, but I just wanted to leave. Once I was out of there I felt great, and practically skipped back to the hotel. I masturbated two more times that night.

15. Talking about cocks, thinking about encounters with men, looking at pictures of dudes making love, all of these things really get me off. However, I still find myself looking at women and wanting to spend time with one woman I am close to. When I think of the future, I picture myself with a woman. But for now it may be that banging dudes is my best bet. I am so afraid of STDs, though!

16. Last summer I went on a road trip with a friend of mine from summer camp. Following this trip, I was flying straight to Europe to spend a week with a 19-year-old girl I had met working overseas. For the entire road trip I was trying not to drink, eat, or spend too much (lose all the fitness I had worked so hard on, etc). It really cut into my friend's experience, and I regret it a bit. The trip culminated in San Francisco. Stupidly, we hadn't made any arrangements and so had to stay in a hotel. Everything was full except for one room in some dank place with a single queen size bed. For two nights we shared the bed together, and I found myself afraid to get too close to him, otherwise I might get aroused. Also, him walking around in his boxers or wearing a towel and playing with his balls on the bed really bothered me, partially because it was gross and partially because I think I feared my own arousal. This guy isn't some stud either, just a regular looking dude. But there was something in so much male contact (and no masturbation) that made me a bit crazy—coming in the shower while he watched TV gave me a bit of release.

17. So, I made it to Europe, and met up with this gorgeous German girl. I was so nervous to start anything, since I hadn't seen her in almost a year and I had no idea what it would be like. We made out a bit at first, and fortunately she had her period, so she didn't want to have sex for a day or two. This turned out great, because when we did start having sex, it was always fantastic. I had spent most of the year idolizing her and her beauty. In the end I had to face that she was pretty young, at a different point in her life, and really not the one for me, but she was just so hot. 6 months later, back in Europe, I had the chance to go see her, but I didn't, because she didn't seem interested. I think it was a good step for me to break my dependence.

18. Another friend and I were in Mongolia, in a little town with a public bathhouse. The bathhouse had a sauna but also a series of stalls with doors with an opening along the top so you could hear the people around you but not see them. My friend and I both took pretty long showers. Later we admitted that we had both been masturbating. I don't know how I feel that we were sharing the space but not really the room.

19. When I was a kid I remember feeling a tingle at seeing Harrison Ford tied up and shirtless in the Indiana Jones movie where they are stealing the magic stones. It is a memory that only resurfaced once I started trying to figure out if I was gay.

20. Last summer I had dinner with my dad, his wife, another couple they are friends with, and a divorced woman in her 50s. For some reason during that dinner I felt as if I would be the natural pair for the divorced woman, and I wrote a story about having sex with her. Recently I drove my dad's wife and the very same woman to the airport, and upon seeing her I felt something again, as if perhaps she knew too, and in other circumstances I might be making secret trips to her large divorce-settlement house for afternoon fun.

21. I love amateur porn, especially women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. One of my fantasies would be to have sex with a m/f couple in their 50's, nothing held back.

22. This might upset people, but sometimes I masturbate to clothed pictures of people I know (for some reason, always girls), especially for the final strokes.

23. I masturbate using the bottle-cap-opening method, which I really think has cut down on my sensitivity. Great to do on your partner, but bad in the long term for yourself!

24. It feels good when people touch my bum, especially in a dominant sort of way. I think I have an untapped submissive side, which I don't want to flesh out too much because it seems sort of incompatible with a lot of women who prefer a more dominant partner.

25. I love having trimmed balls and pubic hair.