Sunday, February 6, 2011

1. I'm a 22, soon to be 23-year-old woman. But sometimes I'm more like a young girl, and sometimes an old woman. I've slept with only about seven people, I think. Some of the memories are blurry, either because I was drunk at the time or because they didn't mean anything and I've forgotten them. I've never had a relationship. I've never liked anyone enough. Plus I think I'm afraid of emotional intimacy - I hate feeling vulnerable.

2. When I was younger, pubescent hormones and the wonder of discovery made me masturbate in the girls' toilets at school, on the back of a bus, in a dark cinema. What was risqué to me then is now vanilla. I need more to get off. My mind is like a wet slippery slope.

3. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bad person, because I get off on fantasizing about immoral, taboo things. Normally I reassure myself that there's an important distinction between reality and fantasy, so it's all good.

4. I'm the only person who's ever made me come. I find this irritating but also kind of amusing. That's not to say I don't enjoy sex without orgasms. I just want to know that I'm capable of it. It's amusing, because it's as if I'm the only one with the "magic fingers." I alone have got the power!

5. I prefer girth to length. I love the feeling that I have to stretch to accept someone's genitalia inside me. Less so the feeling of my organs getting pummeled.

6. Instead of boxes and square labels, I look at sexuality as a spectrum. Sometimes I waver along the heterosexual end, sometimes the homosexual end, usually somewhere around the middle. Like a rainbow.

7. I always swallow. I just find the thought of spitting out someone's essence a huge slap in the face to them. And it would totally kill the buzz of what we've just done. Plus, sometimes it doesn't taste all that bad. The healthier the boy, the yummier.

8. My favorite moment in sex is when he comes inside me. He just goes still, probably temporarily unconscious... and I feel like he's given me a special part of himself, and I get to keep it. Me, I feel kind of proud... and cherished.

9. I love erotic fiction. Sexy literature. Mills & Boon novels. Despite being a commitment-phobe, I'm a huge romantic. I know, it's confusing.

10. Fave sex position? Haven't decided yet.... maybe doggy-style? I'm lazy.

11. When I masturbate I mainly stimulate my clit. But sometimes the mood will strike and I'll feel like getting a bit dirty with some anal action. Vaginal penetration is really only ever amazing when someone else is doing it to me.

12. Sometimes I feel pressure to come for the guy's sake. I get self-conscious when I'm not wet enough or into it enough, as if I'm letting him down. I don't want to hurt his feelings... but the more I think during sex, the more removed and distant I become, and the less pleasure I feel. It's a vicious cycle.

13. I was surprised to discover that I'm an exhibitionist. Not so much sex in public, although i have done that incidentally (very drunk). But i love to show off. I get disappointed when the lights aren't on. But having no sight can heighten your other senses too, so whatever.

14. I was a stripper for a year. I mostly loved it, the attention, the dancing, the hedonism, the nudity. I found it empowering. I loved doing something that so many women couldn't bring themselves to do. I like being a rebel, a daredevil, progressive and liberated and self-confident. But I had to get out.... it was lessening my opinion of men. I was beginning to resent and dislike them. And even though my body was in great shape from all the dancing, I could feel the late nights and makeup and booze aging me. Keeping up a sexy, flirtatious and provocative facade for male stimulation while simultaneously holding up a protective barrier is emotionally exhausting too. Some of the things that guys will believe and tell you--half the time I felt like a therapist. I don't know how some of those women do it for years and years. It's got to be one of the hardest (if well paid) jobs in the world, both physically and mentally. But in the end the ups couldn't justify the downs.

15. I'd like to be grabbed and thrown against a wall, over a desk, hands held back, hair pulled, butt slapped and pinched. There is something incredibly erotic about being dominated and out of control. Wild. Animalistic. Sexy. Also it's a huge turn on and ego-stroke to feel the physical evidence of how desperately you can make another person want to possess you.

16. I had a threesome with one of my best girlfriends at the time and her boyfriend. I'd always been attracted to them both, but she instigated it. She told me she'd been having dreams about me, about suckling my nipples, about the three of us dressing up in skimpy lingerie. So we decided to live it out. We all got really drunk, played spin the bottle, I gave them a little striptease, then we spent hours in bed together. It was exciting and nerve-racking and adventurous, if a little complicated... it's hard to choreograph three bodies so that they all fit together well... you've got to be careful no one gets left out. She was the first and only woman I've gone down on. I liked it, but I wasn't very good at it--I had no idea what to do. Unfortunately women aren't taught how to give oral to a woman. I was able to access info about giving blowjobs to guys from an early age... magazines, internet, friends.... but the female anatomy, even though I'm familiar with my own and know how I like to be given head... it's totally different giving it to receiving it. I felt like I was traversing a whole new landscape. I'd like to try it again.

17. I was almost 18 when I lost my virginity. It was sudden and unexpected and intense. It didn't hurt at all, it felt great, but of course, I didn't come. I remember reveling in the feeling of being bruised and tender and swollen between my thighs for days afterward. I felt wanton and womanly. It was awesome.

18. I've found that sensations are usually more intense and thus the sex is better when I've been drinking. I don't know if it's because alcohol heightens the physical nervous system, somehow turns me on more, lowers my inhibitions or simply dulls my thought processes so that I think and worry less, but I tend to be my most sexual when I've had a few.

19. It turns me on if a guy talks dirty while we're doing it, as long as I'm in the heat of the moment. But I'm shy about talking dirty back. I worry about sounding corny or amateurish.

20. I like the idea of an open relationship. No rules, no restrictions or expectations. No chance of being betrayed or feeling guilty. Free love and sex, baby. Yeah. Rock 'n' roll. I know it's probably like communism, though - an excellent ideal in theory, but far from practical.

21. In contrast to #20, I also daydream about a man wanting me with all his being, not being able to live without me, wanting me above all others, forever, and not wanting to share me. Having that unique connection and chemistry. "Soulmate." If my soulmate exists, though, I don't want us to find each other until I've explored and experimented a bit more. Give me a few more years before I become traditional and respectable and settled.

22. I've been single for all my 23 years. I'm proud of being an independent woman who doesn't need a man to validate her own existence. But I do get lonely, a lot. It used to be that I craved sex like women crave chocolate or blokes crave beer. I had this empty, needy feeling in my pussy, this tingly irritating feeling all over my skin, that demanded cock and hands and a warm body. The cravings have subsided as I've gotten older. Now I mainly crave intimacy. I don't care about the sex so much as the companionship, the sharing of intimate feelings and the gentle touching and exploring, the connection. I just want to be able to lay next to a body and enjoy each other's physicality and personality. Is this all just a symptom of maturing?

23. I've been "the other woman." I always swore I'd never betray another fellow female like that, by taking what was hers. But I've discovered that values and morals and principles, like sexual appetite, are constantly in flux, changing and reshaping as your experiences expand and your needs evolve. I actually decided that I would have sex with this guy for my sake, and put myself first, instead of abstaining for her sake, and putting someone else first. It was selfish, but I knew that at the time. I consciously allowed myself to do the selfish thing for once. Was it worth it? Well, I don't regret it. Gosh, it was such a really interesting experiment... You should have seen the drastically different reactions I got from my friends. Some said "Go for it, he's the one in the relationship so he has to shoulder the responsibility, if he doesn't cheat on his girlfriend with you he'll just do it with someone else anyway, it's not your concern." Others were horrified and shocked that I was even considering it. They just thought that it was a sacrilegious, bitchy, treacherous thing to do. I can understand and agree with both points of view. But sometimes living a life that's politically correct and ethically proper and completely selfless is just not living much at all.

24. I've tasted my own menstrual blood. I got the idea from Germaine Greer. She is one of my feminist idols. I don't think it's a big deal... bodily fluids, that is... it really baffles and saddens me that people can be so uptight about what's only natural.

25. I no longer just have sex with anyone, anytime. I just went through about 15 months of self-inflicted celibacy. I've been waiting for something; I'm still waiting. I'm sick of having a good time, then feeling empty and lonely afterward. I want to discover that connection, something more fulfilling. I dunno, maybe I'm looking for love and romance. I've only ever fucked, never "made love." I definitely want to experience it one day... soon. But I'm scared. I'm scared I won't be able to let myself go... I'm scared if I do I'll let them down, or they'll let me down. And I'm scared I'll never find whatever it is I'm looking for.