Saturday, April 23, 2011

1. I’m a 35 year old heterosexual woman, but in the past year have realized – or finally admitted, maybe – that I’m bi-curious.

2. I love looking at breasts, but I don’t know if it’s a sexual attraction or purely aesthetic most of the time. Sometimes, they’re just beautiful, but then there are others that I really want to touch and lick.

3. I’ve been married for 5 years. My husband and I have not had sex in 2 years, for many reasons. I’m partly resentful that I’m young and healthy yet that part of my life is apparently over. I’m also partly thankful that it’s one less thing on my to-do list. It’s kind of a relief. It was never the best part of my day or anything.

4. I really love being dominated. Shoved against a wall, bitten, hair pulled, finger-tip bruises on my hips and thighs. But I haven’t been with a guy who was willing to do that since high school, before I really even knew what I liked.

5. I love anal sex, though I’ve only done it a few times. Done right though, it can be amazing. The first time I got so wet it literally dripped and ran down my thighs. But if it’s not right – impatient, too fast, without lube – it can be a terrible experience.

6. I’d never cheat on my husband, but I go to bi chat rooms and flirt and talk about sex and sometimes watch someone on cam – usually a guy, because there aren’t that many women in those places. I don’t have a cam, and I don’t masturbate while watching, but sometimes I do later. Our marriage is complicated and rocky and I don’t know if I feel bad about getting off thinking of a guy I played with earlier or not.

7. This is very different from masturbating thinking of a celebrity. I have no concerns about that. Thinking of someone from my past though does give me pause. I wonder how my husband would feel if he knew. But then I catch him cybering with someone he’s told he’s single, and I don’t care so much anymore what he’d think.

8. I think guys in makeup are the sexiest thing in the world. Eyeliner, nail polish, lipstick. Not “regular” lipstick colors, but black or blue or purple. I love the idea of being naked while a guy dressed in rock star leather kisses my body, smearing lipstick all over my skin.

9. I like lesbian porn, if it’s realistic and not the kind that’s designed for straight guys. I also like m/m porn and slash fic.

10. It absolutely infuriates me when I say that I’m bi-curious, and people assume that it means I want to have a threesome with a guy and a girl – that the “bi” has to be done all at once, and that it has to involve a man at the same time as a woman. I want to do a girl. It has nothing to do with a man at all. It’s not about threesomes, and it’s not about my husband, and it has nothing to do with him.

11. I’ve only had 3 partners, all men. A few more cyber partners, also all men. I’ve talked about sex with girls, but never done anything about it.

12. Vibes are fun sometimes, but I like my fingers better usually. I don’t like large dildos very often; they just don’t do much for me most of the time. But once in a while, I like the feeling of almost-too-much.

13. I really love kissing. And I really miss it. A quick peck on the lips when my husband leaves for work isn’t what I need. It kind of makes me sad to think about that.

14. I have always had body issues. My husband has made that so much worse with drunken cruel comments and blaming me for his issues and rejecting me in favor of alcohol. I know it’s not about me, and that no one could compete with alcohol and win with him, but it hurt a lot and I’ve never gotten over some of the things he doesn’t remember saying. Even if we weren’t together I don’t know if I could actually have sex with someone because I can’t bear the idea of being looked at. And I hate myself for that, when logically I know I should be upset with him, not me.

15. One time, when we were dating, I took nude pics for him, artfully posed, and thought they looked pretty sexy. He just scoffed at them and made me feel horrible. It made me so angry, because he ASKED for them, and I pushed past my insecurity and did it, for him. I didn’t speak to him for months because I was so hurt. I didn’t know if he meant it or was just being a dick. So I sent them to a couple of male friends and they both made me feel so much better about myself, and one of them got seriously angry at him for not appreciating me. The other one just told me in explicit detail what he wanted to do to me.

16. The “detail” guy actually ended up making me feel really, really good. We traded lots of pics after that and got off together a few times. One of the very rare times that someone really cared about making me feel good and being sure I was enjoying it. One of the hottest things I’ve ever experienced was him telling me about getting himself off looking at my pics and his cum streaking across them on his screen.

17. I was a good girl in high school and college. I worked and studied all the time, didn’t date. Partly because I was so busy, and also so shy and insecure, but mostly because no one asked. I don’t know if it was because I made myself unapproachable, or if it was just that no one wanted me. But now I wish it had been different. I wish I had sowed my oats back then.

18. I love talking with my friends about sex, about what we like and don’t like, about our experiences and fantasies. A few weeks ago a male friend asked me if what he was telling me was inappropriate or TMI, since I’m married. I don’t see how a conversation between friends ABOUT sex has anything to do with either friend’s relationship status. Girls talk about it all the time; I don’t think friends of opposite genders should have any qualms about it either.

19. I like the idea of having sex with a woman who knows what she’s doing. I have a friend I might even feel comfortable with and she’s expressed a desire to “corrupt” me. I would love to have her undress me and hold me down and go down on me.

20. I’ve always loved vampires but just recently figured out that I have a serious biting kink. It’s not some hokey Twilight fantasy; it’s way deeper than that. I love being bit, and reading erotica with lots of biting. I’d love someone to mark me that way.

21. I’ve tried writing slash, but I’m no good at it. Not creative enough, or something. I’m never going to write that amazing porn without plot that sends readers running to their bunks. Angst, I can write. They say write what you know, so maybe that applies here. I’ve had way more angst than passion and that kind of pisses me off a little.

22. Phone sex does nothing for me. Makes me feel shy and awkward and stupid. I don’t know if I’m just bad at it, or the guy I tried it with was bad at it, or both. I love the idea of it though.

23. I cried earlier today, reading fanfic, of all things. It was this beautiful, sexy scene where it was just so evident that the couple was not only having amazing sex but that it was a product of how much they loved each other. It hurt because I don’t, and have never, had that. Pretty good sex but not with someone who loved me, or boring sex with someone who said he loved me, or no sex with someone who is supposed to love me but I don’t think he really does. Which is not to say he doesn’t want to or doesn’t believe that he does. He loves me as much as he is able, in the way he is able, which is not really enough.

24. I’m a closet romantic. I’m logical and level-headed and don’t need whimsy or romance or spontaneity, but part of me longs for those things. They don’t have to be grand gestures, even little ones would mean everything to me. I want kisses in the rain and groping in a movie theater and rough intense sex with someone who can’t wait to touch me. I will never have these things. Part of me thinks I deserve them, but most of me thinks, no, I really don’t.

25. I come fairly easily, sometimes multiples, when I masturbate, yet I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve come during sex with another person. Either I’m too withdrawn and insecure to say what I want, or he won’t give it to me. It’s not like I’m asking for anything freaky, just “lower” or “slow down a little, please.” It’s not a lot to ask. I don’t want most things to be about me. But this, I would like sometimes, to be about me. I think that would be awesome.