Friday, May 13, 2011

1. I'm a 41-year-old male, mostly heterosexual, but far from completely so.

2. I'm male, but I don't have a strong gender identity. I'm not a woman trapped in a man's body, it's just that I don't feel like I'm the same as the other males around me. Since I stopped worrying about the "identity" bit of "gender identity", I've been much happier.

3. I used to cross-dress socially. I wasn't attempting to convince people that I was a woman, I was just being me. I haven't done so for years.

4. I've never been in a serious long-term relationship. I'd like to, but it's never happened for me. I'm not sure why, I get positive feedback about who I am and how I look, it just seems like everyone thinks I'd be great for someone else, just not themselves...

5. This used to distress me a lot. Depression and loneliness feed off each other in a nasty downhill spiral. I'm not sure how I managed to avoid suicide at various times. I'm OK now.

6. The vast majority of my sex life is with women, and it's only with women that I look for emotional intimacy.

7. I had sexual encounters with men once a year or so up until my early thirties. Since then it's been rare, but I never regret it when I do.

8. For the last decade or so, the vast majority of my sex life has been paid sex with female prostitutes.

9. Mostly, I try to make friends with the women I pay for sex, and we both enjoy each other's company, and both enjoy the sex.

10. I'm fortunate to live in a country where prostitution is legal, the industry is clean, and the workers are usually strong independent women in control of their lives and sexuality.

11. Sex workers often orgasm with me. So far as I can tell, a sex worker orgasms with me just as often as many wives experience with their husbands, maybe more often. This is not faked. Sex workers know their own sexuality better than most people, and if we're both happy and relaxed, things work.

12. Because I've been paying for sex regularly for a decade or so, I've had sex with a stupidly large number of people. Some men might boast about that, but this is not a matter of pride for me. I'm not ashamed of it either, it's just a fact.

13. It is a matter of pride to me that several sex workers are genuine friends. I don't boast about it, it just feels good.

14. I'm no longer making particularly serious efforts to find a relationship outside of prostitution.

15. I have a good sex life. It would be nice to wake up with someone every day and share my life with them, though.

16. I don't orgasm every time I have sex. Mostly I do, sometimes I don't. Sometimes stress or alcohol get in the way. Or occasionally it just doesn't happen. Because I'm having sex in a situation with fairly clear expectations of what will happen, this can be pretty disconcerting. It doesn't worry me much any more; sometimes it does worry my partners.

17. My best experiences of sex-without-an-orgasm have been positive, fulfilling experiences. Once I got past the social expectation that a guy comes every time he fucks, it's fine. Not the best sex ever, not a disaster either.

18. Recently I've been masturbating much more than usual (at least since I was in my early 20s). Some people have the attitude that wanking is something you do because you're not getting laid. I experience the opposite. When my sex life is good, wanking is better too.

19. A few times I've fallen in love with sex workers.

20. The first couple of times, this was emotionally difficult for me, because I didn't believe a sex worker might like me. I suspect that there was more reciprocation than I realized at the time.

21. I've had sex workers get very fond of me. I'm not entirely sure how much they were in love with me, and how much they saw me as a friend separate from sex (I suspect different in different cases).

22. I've had unpaid flings with people I've met as sex workers, but it's never been practical for that to progress to a real relationship.

23. Currently, I'm getting very very fond of two prostitutes. I'm not making any effort to stop my emotions towards them. I like the receptionist at my local brothel a lot too, but not having had sex with her, I'm a bit more level-headed about her.

24. So far as I can tell, I can trust these three. They've made my life better, and I'm happier with myself than ever before in my life. I feel safe with letting my emotions go, even though I'm not quite sure what they think of me.

25. This is nice, but it can't stay like that forever. Soon, I'll have to talk to these people about my emotions (it probably won't be a surprise to them, but we need to talk about it). And then either take things further with one of them, or else pull my emotions back.