Friday, May 27, 2011

1. Having a child changed the way I come. Before, I was a clitoris girl. Now, the inside of my cunt is a strange and wonderful place. To whomever it was who stitched me up, thankyouthankyouthankyou.

2. I have been raped more times than I can remember. I used to drink a lot. The time I remember the best was when I was about 19. Drunk again, and went back to some guy's place. He said he was a model. He grabbed me and fucked me til I bled. And then he fucked me while I bled.

3. I was also raped by a boyfriend. We had just broken up. He tied me up and raped me. There was a kung fu movie on the television.

4. I like to be choked while fucking. My father tried to kill me by strangling me when I was a teenager. I don't like to think about the connection between the two, but, y'know. Der.

5. I didn't have an orgasm until I was twenty. It took around three months of solid clitoral stimulation to get me to come. This stimulation regime was put in place by the same boyfriend who later raped me. You win some, you lose some.

6. I have recently exited one of the darkest sexual relationships I've ever had. He liked to be horrible to me until I cried and then he would fuck me. We both liked this veryvery much. It did something bad to my brain.

7. I was once in love with a man who wouldn't kiss. His father was a dentist and he would give me lectures about how unhygenic the inside of the mouth was. He gave me head, though. The boyfriend, that is, not his father.

8. I really enjoy my breasts. I'm pretty exhibitionistic with them. They seem to make people happy, and they certainly make me happy. I have often come from nipple stimulation alone.

9. Speaking of which, breastfeeding made me come often. I feel that this is wrong, and I feel that me feeling that this is wrong is wrong.

10. I masturbate at least twice a day. If I'm reading a book in bed, then it'll be more. Read and wank and read and wank and repeat.

11. I've never seen porn. I've glimpsed it, of course, but it holds no fascination. That's not what sex is like for me. Sex is about feeling, rather than looking. Porn feels like bad sex, like sex that I'm not present in. I disassociate easily, and have disassociated during the various sexual assaults that have happened to me. Porn feels like being disassociated.

12. I recently had sex with a few strangers that I'd contacted on the internet with the specific intention of having meaningless sex with strangers. Most of them were harmless bozos, but one was violent and disrespectful. This threw me into despair. I felt like there was something about me that attracted violent men.

13. I titfucked one of those strangers. It felt stoopid.

14. The man that I have loved the most got very sick. One of the reasons I broke up with him is that I couldn't bear the thought of never getting a head job again.

15. I would like to be more violent when I have sex. But I'm suspicious of my motivation.

16. When I was a teenager, I'd often marvel at how amazingly beautiful my body was. I still like my body very much most of the time, but sometimes get disgusted at its overwhelming femininity. This was particularly strong when I was breastfeeding. I felt like an animal. An orgasmic animal.

17. My mother once told me that the clitoris was a conspiracy by men to make women like sex so that they'd have sex with men.

18. My mother once told me that anyone who gave or received a head job was a pervert.

19. My mother often told me that no one was looking at me, and no one was listening to me. I've spent a great deal of my adult life making sure they're doing both. I do this, in part, by dressing and talking dirty.

20. A couple of days ago, a seedy tradesman called me a "tough bitch." This made me very wet.

21. I've slept with some women, but the memory of these encounters is blurry. Maybe it takes cock to make a clear impression on my consciousness. Maybe it was just the drinking.

22. I like cock. I like giving head. I really wish I didn't. I like putting lots of things in my mouth, and experience extreme oral pleasure. I hope my interest in head jobs is due to an oral fetish rather than a need to be humiliated. That sounds much healthier.

23. I would like to be a man. I've gone through periods where I've really been quite serious about this. I like big men, and men that are strong. I'd like to be like that. I'd like to be able to win fights.

24. I was sexually assaulted by a girl in primary school. I was at the beach on holidays with her and her family. Her father was a judge. I can remember little about the actual incident, but I do remember she was completely naked except for her sneakers. I have never owned a pair of sneakers.

25. Mostly, I feel like a big ugly face attached to a sexy body. When I fuck, I often shut my eyes. This is so I can't see if the man is looking at me or looking away because he doesn't want to look at my ugly face. The compliment I've heard most often in my life is "Nice Tits." I wonder how long they'll stay nice enough so that men don't look me in the face.