Tuesday, August 16, 2011

1) I'm 21 years old and FAAB; the only word that I've found that feels right for either my gender or my sexuality is queer. However, I usually present as femme, occasionally androgynous, because I have a very femme body shape. This disappoints me sometimes.

2) I can't remember how I first found out much about sex, but vaguely think it came from sex education lessons in class when I was 11, and a book on the same which my parents pointedly left around at about the same time. I learned a hell of a lot more when I discovered fanfiction at about 14, and have been on a voyage of discovery ever since.

3) I don't think I'll ever stop learning about sex, and I certainly hope not. I desperately wanted to be sex-positive from a young age, before I really knew what sex-positivity was, because I didn't understand why people were ashamed. However, like many people, I had society's expectations forced upon me and acted rather prudishly -- unwarrantedly so -- until I reached about 18, and it was like waking up.

4) I think part of the reason I took so long to catch on is because I was abused as a child and teen. Emotionally, verbally and physically, rather than sexually. But it took a massive toll on my self-identity and sense of worth, and I'm still trying to work out how to handle some things.

5) I told my first shrink to go fuck himself because he was more interested in my gender/sexuality than in the fact that I had been abused for the majority of my life. My gender and sexuality have never caused me problems, or serious dysphoria. Luckily, my current one doesn't bat an eyelid, and it makes me feel much more secure that she doesn't seem to see me as some sort of freak because I'm not cis/straight.

6) I was vaguely aware of sex and masturbation -- though not as words as such -- as a child. I occasionally used to rub against pillows or duvet, but my 'fantasies' (so to speak) were generally part of much longer and more complex stories I used to create, awake or asleep, as I've been a lucid dreamer for years. This stopped about the time that I hit puberty, because my family situation also worsened.

7) I hit puberty at 12, and did so very calmly. When I was thirteen I had D-cup breasts, and they've grown pretty consistently since. I think they've now stopped. My figure is one that most women would kill for. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I'm indifferent, sometimes I get vaguely frustrated. However, I know that I'm lucky not to struggle with my self-appearance, as some do.

8) I had my first kiss when I was 19, in my first week at university. I was drunk and the guy wasn't a great kisser. I mostly did it out of curiosity.

9) I'm a filthy dancer. For me, it just seems natural, but everyone tells me how (wonderfully) dirty it is. I'm not complaining.

10) Most of my social circle think that I'm lesbian. I was struggling with labels at the time, and it was easy to come out as lesbian even though it didn't feel right. I now know that I'm queer, and that my sexual desire has very little to do with the genitals or even the genders involved.

11) I've made out with five girls, and I loved it. I loved the softness of their bodies and the pliability of their skin, the way that I could wrap my arms around their waists. The only one that I regret was one where I was rather too forceful (and drunk) and she had to tell me to back off. I did, but I still felt dirty because of what I'd done. It took me quite a while to look her in the eye again.

12) I've only been in a relationship with one girl, and that was for about six months. She identifies as a soft butch lesbian. I was very fond of her, and did find her sexy, but I could never get very enthusiastic. Most of the time we dated, I was not on medication, and was acting out. When I was re-medicated and told her about my past -- abuse, depression and three suicide attempts -- she dumped me on the spot.

13) This girl found it difficult to believe I was a virgin, though she did believe me. I made her come twice the first time we had sex, and she said it was the best she'd ever had. Hearing her say that got me really turned on, but I only came once when I was with her. I used to fake it because she was so obsessed with trying to make me orgasm, even when I knew I'd passed the point where I could have been able to.

14) The one time I came was the last time we had sex. Right after we finished she dumped me, before I even had a chance to put my clothes back on. I cried for the whole night, then slowly came to realize that we had both been messed up.

15) From that, I discovered that I enjoyed giving oral, sixty-nining, roughness (scratching, biting, bruising), and that it really turned me on when she pinned me down on my front and fucked me with her hand from behind.

16) I also discovered that the main thing I get off on is seeing someone enjoying themselves.

17) I masturbate irregularly. Sometimes I'll have a week where I end up masturbating every night, sometimes I won't care about it for a month. Sometimes this is random, but often it does seem to be linked with my mood in general. When I'm happier, I want to masturbate more. I started masturbating when I was about 15, still living at home; I'd hide under the bed and bite the duvet, terrified of making any noise. I wasn't sure whether or not I was doing it right until I looked it up on the internet to be sure. Once I moved to university and got a dildo -- and a locking door -- I became bolder. I love being noisy, when there's no one in the house to hear, but unfortunately I have too many housemates for this to be a very frequent thing. I love porn, though I'm finding myself to be incredibly picky about what I watch, and what I want on one night won't be what I want on the other. However, it's pretty constant that I'm after the noises to be right.

18) I love being naked, especially in the summer. Clothes feel so constricting and clingy, especially artificial fabrics. Unfortunately, for the last two years my bedroom has been overlooked, but this year I've got net curtains so I can hang out naked with no problems. I'm really looking forward to this.

19) One of my housemates last year was a homophobic ass. She always sat in the same chair in the living room, as well. One time after a party I bought my girlfriend home and we had sex in that chair. I've never told anyone, and I don't regret it for a moment.

20) I write a lot of fanfiction, much of it -- nowadays -- sexual. I'm relatively well known on one fandom kink meme for the things that I write. My fills tend to wander with my fantasies: for a while it was explicit non-con, especially female-on-male, then doomed-romance things, and now I'm really hankering after shameless smut. This writing has really helped me to come to terms with describing sexual acts, being honest about what I want, and looking into anything that I hadn't heard about before. I also do roleplay, in the non-sexual sense, and will admit to using my characters as ways of exploring my gender presentation/identification and sexuality.

21) I wish there were more people that I could discuss sexual things with in complete and explicit detail. Unfortunately, there seem to be a general lack of them in this world. This is one of the reasons that I spend a lot of time online, though I keep accounts which allow me a certain level of anonymity.

22) I'm starting to realize that many of my sociopolitical views are incredibly radical. Although I would describe myself as feminist, I have problems with both the gender binary and the gender spectrum. I think that gender is a spurious and artificial construct which tries to group together types of people in the incorrect ways. I support the abolition of marriage. I support the legalization of sex work, and of all sexual practices and behaviors which can be undertaken with full informed consent. And I can be really rather vocal about it. In a course in my first year of university, people were more shocked when I called myself feminist than when I called myself lesbian.

23) I have many friends on the internet; the longest-standing of these is approaching five and a half years. We are slowly coming to terms with the fact that there is a far deeper bond than friendship there, and if we are honest then we want a future together. I am flying six thousand miles to visit him in five weeks' time and fully intend to fuck his brains out whilst I am out there as well as (/as part of) trying to work out where our future goes from here. I think that he is a virgin, and part of me is really excited at the idea of being his first. I want to make it really special for him, although I'm worried what he'll think of the fact that I don't necessarily care about orgasming myself.

24) I'm really looking forward to having sex with a man. I've seen plenty of pictures of penises, but never a penis in real life, and the idea really excites me. I really want to try fellatio. For most of the last year that I've been single, there hasn't been a problem, but as this trip to meet this man has become more and more set in stone, I've been getting increasingly sexually frustrated.

25) I know that I'm only young in terms of sexual exploration, and there's a lot more out there that I want to try out. However, I suspect that the man I'm currently in love with -- see above -- is rather more vanilla and less queer than I am. In some ways, it surprises me that I'm fine with that, as long as I have my writing as an outlet. I'd far rather have my ideal romance than my ideal sex.