Monday, August 15, 2011

1. I am a 20.5 year old female.

2. My first sexual experience was when I was 11, and it was not consensual.

3. My second sexual experience was when I was 13, and it was not consensual.

4. After the second experience (with this same person), he continued to assault me daily for four months. He never raped me (as most people define rape), but I consider it rape.

5. After my assault, I thought myself a lesbian for several years, but still entertained occasional crushes on men.

6. After a few years, I decided I was bisexual. I like my women younger (only a little) and my men older (sometimes a great deal older).

7. Recently I began doubting my sexual orientation again. Shortly thereafter, I discovered an artist who published (online) a journal she had kept of her life in comic strip form. She called herself queer because she was a lesbian who fell in love with a man, but she didn't feel she was bisexual. I decided I am queer. I fear and loathe men in general, I adore women and their bodies, but there is a man I love very much and would give anything to be with.

8. I am overweight which, added to my past experiences, makes it difficult for me to be confident in my sexuality and the way I am perceived by others. As such, when men hit on me (which happens more than I had expected) I am very uncomfortable and always blush and push them away or make excuses and then go home and cry.

9. I am very lonely because I don't trust people enough to let them in. A few of my friends know about my sexual orientation, but none are romantic interests.

10. The man that I am in love with doesn't know, but he knows everything I need and want and look for in a partner after a conversation we had. After that conversation I decided I would probably never tell him how I felt, because he felt he couldn't be what I need.

11. I am very submissive with men. I want a man to take care of me as much as one can be taken care of by another. I want him to protect me and help me with decisions and shelter me (because I've never been very sheltered). I want him to sometimes just hold me and tell me everything will be all right and let me cry on him.

12. With women, I like to be the caregiver. I want to initiate (though I never do) and I want to be the one giving pleasure and I don't care if I receive any in return.

13. Though I have never had a consensual sexual experience, I really like sex. I really want to have nice, fun, consensual sex with someone I really care about and who really cares about me.

14. I really like to masturbate. Sometimes I use porn to arouse me, sometimes I imagine pictures of people I'm attracted to, sometimes I read erotic fiction (and fan-fiction), and sometimes I just imagine an anonymous person taking care of me and giving me pleasure.

15. My family does not know about my sexuality.

16. I won't tell my sister because we aren't close and she does little but hurt people. She is also quite religious (though it is some modern religion and she doesn't go to church every Sunday or anything) and doesn't believe that anyone other than male/female couples should be allowed to marry, and she doesn't keep secrets for anyone.

17. My mother would think I was making some feminist statement and applaud it and then tell me about some phase she went through where she thought she was a lesbian.

18. My father wouldn't be bothered by it, but I cannot, in all fairness, tell him without telling the others. He is a good person, but I'm also afraid of ever doing anything to hurt him. I'm fairly sure I inherited my depression (as well as my migraines) from him, and I would hate to be the cause of his pain.

19. I have pretty severe depression. I saw a couple of therapists over the last two years, but I no longer see any because I can't afford it now that I've moved off the university campus and am living on my own. I was never really honest with my therapists, anyway, about certain things (like my sexuality and some of my odder thoughts about relationships).

20. When my depression hits me especially hard, I feel particularly lonely and wish for any type of human contact, be it a one night stand, a night with a friend just spend cuddling, or telling the man I love how much I love him, no matter how he reacts.

21. I'm terrified of graduating college and moving on to complete my masters degree, because I don't want to leave certain people here who know about my sexuality or whom I love just yet, because I'm afraid it will really hurt me.

22. I'm also excited because maybe moving away will allow me to become less dependent on the people I currently love, and I'll be able to form new and better relationships. Maybe it will be the next step and I'll be able to let a wonderful man or woman get close to me and make love to me.

23. I like being spanked (and I have a good ass for spanking--it really bounces) or even paddled lightly.

24. I like having my hair pulled a bit (but not too much).

25. One of my goals is to go to a sex store, walk in confidently, buy a nice vibrator, and then go home and make myself feel really good.