Thursday, August 18, 2011

1. I'm a 22-year-old woman who was born a woman and wishes to stay that way. In fact, I wish I was more of a woman.

2. I'm a virgin. I've never had sex with a man. I want to, very badly. I don't have extreme romantic fantasies about virginity and marriage. But I do have romantic notions about love. I want real love and serious commitment before I give it up. It doesn't have to last forever (in fact I highly doubt it will), but I have to feel loved and respected and a commitment. I've never felt that. Such a shame.

3. My sexuality isn't very simple. I am attracted to women too (of course) and have recently been feeling real feelings for a woman I work with. She is leaving soon and is in a very serious relationship, so I'll take that one to my grave. But my heart does race when I see her.

4. I had a pseudo-lesbian experience in middle school. I "talked" to a girl. Meaning we expressed our feelings for each other and pretended to pursue something. The whole school speculated about it and I'm somewhat traumatized that people were able to form opinions about my sexuality before I'd even sorted them out. I am also somewhat traumatized by the fact that my father and his wife confiscated many of the notes we exchanged. The fact that they read that stuff... I feel unbelievably violated.

5. Me and Number 4 almost kissed in the bathroom. There was a large build-up to this kiss. We were standing in the bathroom stalls at lunch. I grabbed her face and our lips touched for half a second before she pushed me off. She was pretty nervous too. I don't remember what happened exactly after that event but that was pretty much the end of that experiment. I never really felt anything that deep for her. Just a crush that caught me off guard, being as she was a girl.

6. When I was kindergarten-aged I had a sexual encounter with another girl spending the night at my house. We stripped down completely naked in my bed and started rubbing up against one another, kissing each other's naked bodies. I was very very young and rarely remember this occurrence. But it happened. I remember seeing body parts lit up by a TV screen. I also slightly remember what was on TV.

7. Number 3 is the first time I've seriously considered throwing caution to the wind with this whole girl thing. If she were available and wanted me I'd walk down the street holding her hand every day. Dodging spit, bullets, and conservatives along the way.

8. I have felt this way about men before. I guess if I absolutely had to choose, I'd choose men. In fact, with the exception of #3, I've never envisioned myself with a woman in a serious, long-term setting. So shout-outs to #3 for being that fucking irresistible. She has no clue how amazing I find her. Despite all of these feelings I have, it never seems to go anywhere. The people I'm attracted to are not attracted to me or are always unavailable. Maybe my standards are too high.

9. I started masturbating while I was 12 or 13. I believe this was before the middle-school lesbian stuff. I can't remember what I was thinking of that had me so turned on. But my pussy was screaming "find me!!!" And I did. I never stopped playing with myself. I do it very often. I feel very sorry for women that never masturbated. I'm also glad I started masturbating before I've had sex.

10. I watch a lot of porn. I've tried to look at almost everything. The thing that makes me uncomfortable is when it seems like the girl doesn't want to be there. Other than that, I'm not extra sensitive. My top 'get wet' porn categories are (in no particular order): women performing very sloppy and enthusiastic oral sex on a man, very passionate sex between a man and woman, girl eats girl, girl dominates girl, man dominates woman in very subtle way. I'm pretty literate in the issues surrounding porn. And don't worry, I don't expect real sex to be like porn. In fact I'm praying that real sex is actually... real. Which is the major ingredient missing from porn. Authenticity.

11. My feelings for men haven't got much wording on this list so far. I guess because in my head, homosexual tendencies seem a little bit more pertinent to discuss than hetero ones. Lately I've been delving more into my sexual and emotional attraction just to people in general. Masculinity definitely turns me on, in a man and a woman. A man's demeanor in the way he sits, walks, and listens is an amazing thing to witness. It's also rare to witness real masculinity that is subtle but still makes everyone uncomfortable. When I see that shit, I pretty much have to change my drawers. Both #3 and #4 are masculine appearing girls. Not in their physical looks because they both are very feminine physically (face and body type). Especially #3, who I wait for staff meetings just to sneak stares at her face. But they both dressed masculine and had the demeanor that you would usually see on a man.

12. I'm going to regret reading this several years down the line when I see I've included a specific person in many numbers on my list. So, future self: yes, you are pathetic, but... sex and attraction is a people's sport. It always has to be someone.

13. There are things from the past and present that I'm not disclosing on this list. I can't bring myself to.

14. I feel I will have very little inhibitions in trying to please my future lover (whoever he or she is). I want to be an amazing lover and I'll actually put in work to do so.

15. I've realized loving people is closely related to my self-esteem and my happiness. I don't love anyone and don't believe anyone loves me, so there that is.

16. Affection is definitely something I feel deprived of. But whenever anyone tries to display any affection towards me, I feel completely disgusted. I want to get up and run away, but I recognize that would be rude. People don't try that often. I think most people get the message that I don't want to be touched. And I don't want to be touched, because I hate feeling disgusting like that. But there are no words to describe how much I want to be held, and actually feel comforted and loved because of it.

17. My body disgusts me, and sometimes I come down from my love fantasy cloud and realize that no one will ever find me beautiful looking like this. And I'm not any of the things that people would (stereotypically) characterize as unattractive. But I see all my flaws and feel like they outweigh the good qualities by a ton. I hope God does not punish me. I know I should be grateful that my body functions and consider the plight of all that people out there with serious handicaps. I do know this, however, it makes no difference when I see myself naked in the mirror.

18. Oh yeah, I have a relationship with God. Which is the reason for my belief in what love is and the love I'm capable of giving. Clearly I need to learn to love myself first, but it's easier said than done. I don't believe God dislikes gay people. And not just because I'm obviously not straight but because I believe God is about that love. And love between anyone is great.

19. I wish there were a better segue into my next point but there isn't. I fantasize about giving a man the best oral sex he ever received in his life. I feel like giving head is a powerful act. You've committed to giving that other person pleasure but at the same time are in complete control. True leadership.

20. I stay pretty informed about the politics surrounding sex, and have very strong opinions about it. One I'd like to share: young girls are just as sexual as young boys and should be allowed to explore it. The shaming has created a generation of young girls that have sucked a dick before they've rubbed their own clit. That really sucks. I don't want my virginity to be misconstrued as some sort of duty or Christian obligations. It's my decision, based off what I want from my life. Everybody should make the decisions they feel is best for them.

21. I can't directly touch my vagina when I masturbate. I have to use a sock or a cloth in between my hand and clit. It just feels really weird to my hand. Also, my clit is too sensitive and the touch of my fingers is too much. I have put my fingers in, but want to save most of the fingering until after I get some dick.

23. I want children and family so very badly. But marriage means nothing to me. If I never get married I'm certain I'll die cold and lonely, except, you know... I won't.

24. One of the reasons I've never envisioned myself long-term with a woman is because I want children so badly. And one of the reasons I want children so badly is because I was abused by my mother when I was younger. I want to do right by them. Love them unconditionally.

25. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder when I was about 18 or 19. I remember being severely depressed at several points in my life. But the depression I experienced leading up to that diagnosis is indescribable. I feel stupid even writing it because my understanding of it is still inadequate. I will never be able to really love someone and trust them sexually if I'm not able to communicate and overcome that part of my life.