Sunday, June 14, 2009

1. When I was eight years old, I noticed wetness from my vagina and collected some on my finger. I sniffed and tasted the substance and later presented it to my mother without telling her of its origin. To this day, I enjoy the smell and taste of my own vaginal juices – like honeyed apples.

2. When someone sucks my nipples, I sometimes feel that I might orgasm from it. Being fingered at the same time distracts me from the pleasure of it. My breasts are relatively small (36B), but I have always experienced an uncommon amount of pleasure when they are licked or touched.

3. On the only occasion that someone touched my G-spot – for perhaps two seconds – I nearly orgasmed on the spot. It would’ve been the most fulfilling of my life, except the fingers were withdrawn.

4. When I read erotic fiction or concoct fantasies during masturbation, most of the time I am not present in the fantasy. What gets me off is the idea of other people getting off.

5. I enjoy giving oral sex to both males and females, though I have more experience with the former. I like the feel of a cock in my mouth, throbbing in time to my tongue; I enjoy swallowing semen and licking the penis post-orgasm while still sensitive. Most of the time, I prefer to give oral pleasure than to receive it.

6. I have never had intercourse. I think about it constantly and have had countless offers from numerous parties. Still, something holds me back. Usually I tell myself that my ideals about romantic love and pleasure stop me, but I suspect that it is fear.

7. Because I have not had intercourse, I am quite proficient at every other sex act that people do. All of my male partners have told me that I am the best oral sex that he has received.

8. I thrive on clitoral stimulation. When I masturbate, I do so through a layer of underwear because I tend to be a bit rough on my genitals. Lately, I have been doing it without the layer and have taken pains to being careful. It is the very difference between black and white versus Technicolor, and I cannot believe that I have waited so long.

9. Most of the time I wish I had already had intercourse already, so it wouldn’t seem like such a big deal. I have had the opportunity to sleep with many attractive, sexy men and sometimes can’t believe I denied them all.

10. Sometimes I want to lose my virginity to another virgin, a couple of blank slates figuring things out. Other times I want someone of vast experience to show me what my body can really do. I’m conflicted over the choice and occasionally wish someone would just sweep in and take the option from me, even though rape is absolutely frightening and abhorrent to me.

11. In high school, I was too smart to be sought after. Once I hit college, I lost a little weight and shed my long-term boyfriend. I have never felt beautiful or gorgeous, despite protestations of such from partners and acquaintances. To that end, I was self-conscious for a long while about my body, and in the past few years, I have developed some indifference to it, resulting in a dramatic loss of sexual inhibition. Certainly my earlier partners missed out on what more recent partners have experienced.

12. I love holding a man’s head between my thighs. I love forcing him to lap me up, to make him pleasure me until words become monosyllabic sounds and cries. Even more, however, I like being held down and forced to experience oral sex. Likewise, I enjoy holding or tying down my partner and forcing pleasure on him. I trade dominance and submission but prefer the former.

13. There is a spot on my neck that, when kissed, licked, or even touched, I instantly become wet.

14. The feeling of beard stubble on that spot, or over my back, has the same effect.

15. Before I groomed my vagina, I became wet more quickly. Now that I trim and shave, it takes a little longer. Sometimes I wish that I could grow a bush back and be super wet all the time, but I know my partner would be less likely to go down on me.

16. I can’t stomach watching most heterosexual porn. If I must watch it, I prefer amateur stuff (i.e. a couple who submits a cheesy video) or squirt porn. I like to think that the women in these categories are more likely to experience pleasure, as the first is between people who know each other, and the second shows an actual ejaculation as evidence of female orgasm. Sometimes I watch hentai, because no human bodies are “harmed” in the making of it.

17. Sometimes I’m not sure if I have had a genuine orgasm. To that end, I masturbate constantly, in the name of science, of course… I masturbate three to five times a day, more than most males that I know. Having a partner doesn’t change this much, though working or being in school cuts out a lot of my time for getting myself off.

18. If I had two lives, one of them would be dedicated to fucking as many people as I’ve wanted to over the years. Even counting the offers that I’ve seriously considered, it would be at least a dozen men by now, and certainly a half-dozen women.

19. I was once with someone who wanted to do sounding and electroshock. While I indulged him in fantasies of control and pain – I hit him during sex play – I could not consent to anything that might permanently damage him. Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve done it, or if he’s found someone else to do it for him. Given his fetish for straight-laced Asians, I doubt it.

20. I have medical fantasies sometimes. Once I went to my doctor and asked him about the best way to achieve orgasm, half-hoping he would slip on a glove, lube up, and show me. He suggested a butterfly vibrator. I still harbor those fantasies, though that particular doctor is not in them.

21. Sometime in my life, I would like a partner to tell me, during sex, “You are my fantasy.” I read it in a book once and really got off on the idea of it.

22. I am very open with my partners and believe communication is the way to foster good relationships, sexual or otherwise. That being said, most people do not know that I have not had intercourse. Given my frank interest in sexuality and sexual activities, most people assume that I have had countless partners. I do not dissuade them from this belief; I even encourage it. Being known as a virgin makes me feel vulnerable. When people know, they also assume that they know a great deal about me. They think I am overly religious, sexually frigid, or gay. Rather, I am Agnostic, sexually curious and open, and heterosexual (though I engage in sexual acts with women, I do not pursue relationships with them and thus consider myself hetero rather than bisexual). I consider my virginity to be my private property, and the idea that people expect to know is abhorrent to me. I share it with whom I choose and expect complete discretion. Seldom has this trust been broken.

23. The best oral sex that I have ever received was from the most unassuming, straight-laced, honorable man of my acquaintance. He made me scream and even forget my name, it was so good. Sometimes I still think about it and wish I had pursued a serious relationship with him, rather than turning tail and running when it might’ve become more. I know I will always regret him and wonder if he will plague me through the rest of relationships.

24. I have told a few men that theirs was the largest penis I’d ever seen. In truth, the largest belonged to the excellent oral giver mentioned above. He scarcely fit in my mouth, and it took a great deal of practice to accommodate him. When I got him off, I felt like I owned the world. I’m convinced, however, that his gigantic cock would have split me in half, or at least would’ve torn me inside, had we engaged in intercourse. Still, I wonder about him.

25. After submitting this entry, I am going to masturbate myself very long and hard, because just writing all of this has made me very excited.