Thursday, October 8, 2009

1. I didn't masturbate regularly and with intent until I was 20 or 21, but I used to wake up masturbating when I was younger. Most of the time, I'd withdraw my hand quickly in shame and embarrassment. But occasionally, I'd pretend I was still sleeping and couldn't do anything about it.

2. I didn't understand the clitoris until my first boyfriend fingered me at 18. When I masturbate without a vibrator, I still do it the way he did it.

3. I went to college as a virgin because of religion (Catholicism). I started getting male attention almost immediately, but didn't realize I was pretty. Which led to an unfortunate situation where I was nearly date-raped by a "friend". I must have said stop 100 times before he actually did. If he'd decided not to, there wasn't really much I could do as he was bigger, stronger... hairier. I wasn't interested in sex or sexuality after that for almost two years, and started making gay boys my best friends.

4. The first person I allowed myself to be intimate with after that experience was a girl almost two years later. She was very kind and understanding. We remain good friends to this day.

5. Because of that, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24 (I'm 26 now). I felt a release one day and decided I was ready. It took six years to get over the effects, and he didn't even rape me. I went home with a stranger I met in a gay bar shortly thereafter. He was kind, but the sex was terrible. I've only seen him once since.

6. I don't regret it.

7. In the two or so years since I lost the big V, I've slept with 13 people (12 boys and 1 girl). My friends tell me I'm just catching up.

8. Of the 13 people, six were one-night stands... practice. Also, one was Italian, one Thai, one Irish, one English, one Puerto Rican, two African-American, one Asian-American, and 5 white American. I have absolutely no type. And apparently foreigners find me sexy.

9. I love going down on a guy, but I don't think I've very good at it. I wish boys wouldn't be so nice. I want you to tell me what you want when I ask. Not, "I like everything." That's not helpful. I'm just trying to please you. So, please, let me do that, won't you?

10. I'm not scared of the asshole. I want to have anal sex. But I don't want to do it with just anyone. Nothing else about my sexuality has been special, so I'm "saving" that. I also want it to be with someone who's willing to take the time to do it properly and make sure I feel good too. Up to this point, the biggest thing that's been in my ass was two fingers. And it wasn't done properly.

11. I'd also like to be fisted.

12. Lesbian sex is completely fulfilling for me. But I tend to date more guys because it's easier. Everyone seems to be assumed straight until proven otherwise.

13. I've dated people I met online. It hasn't worked out. Flaky, a little strange, and less attractive than their photos seems to be a running theme.

14. I grew up in the town with the highest teen pregnancy rate in the entire country. No less than seven girls were pregnant at my high school at any given time. Less than five hundred people total went to my high school. Rebelling was not having sex. I was a rebel.

15. I've faked orgasms with all but three guys and the girl. Once, in the beginning of a relationship, I didn't fake it. We were smoking after sex and all he would talk about was getting me off. As soon as we went back to bed we were naked again, he was fingering me, he was hard, he was fucking me. I still had to fake it, but not lying was worth the extra effort. I should have learned from that.

16. I randomly called that guy the other night. And we had some of the best sex of my life. Didn't fake it. Lots of orgasming. And the most intense orgasm I've ever had with someone else. Ever. We haven't spoken since.

17. In the last year, I've dated roughly one person per month. For awhile, I was moving from "relationship" to "relationship" so quickly that my roommate thought I may have lost my mind. And so did I. I realized recently that I was preventing myself from feeling the pain by jumping directly into bed with someone else. It kind of bit me in the ass when guy number three in a string of three back-to-back situations (not even a day between them) dumped me for another girl. I didn't even care about him, but it was the first time I let myself cry about any of it.

18. I'm a very affectionate person naturally. Perhaps it's from growing up in the South, but I'm more inclined to believe it's because I'm a Scorpio. I often touch people more than normal, I definitely look directly into eyes with such intensity that it makes them look away all the time, and I kiss friends. Sometimes, on the lips. I really don't think of any of this as sexual. But I understand how it could be confusing.

19. Even though I lost my virginity relatively late in life, I've always been a very sexual person. A person people described as "sexy" even when I wasn't interested in anything related to the s, e, or x.

20. My lips turn an astounding shade of red when I have an orgasm. If the boys who I fake it with ever find this out, I'm in trouble. As far as I can tell, it's the only way of telling if I actually came or if I was tired of letting them try.

21. I've had unprotected sex with three people. I was adamant about condoms until a sloppily drunken night with a guy I was dating at the time. We'd used condoms to that point (to his horror). About three thrusts into the unprotected fiasco, he asked if he should get a condom. I responded that it was too late. I had to go back to some friends and apologize for my inability to believe that condoms felt that much different.

22. It's a huge turn off to me if a guy doesn't ask about diseases or protection before sex. I've had several instances of guys who were just going to stick it in without thinking about it. I always stop them before to ask if they're clean. A friend told me he thought it was the idea that asking that type of question could ruin the moment, and guys who are about to land some pussy aren't willing to sacrifice that. Even if it means lifetime repercussions.

23. I dated a guy with a pierced penis (frenum). It was weird at first. But I grew accustomed to it to the point that I missed it when we broke up even though it limited the positions we could have sex in because of pain. The next guy I dated had a pierced lip, so I didn't think it too far fetched that he might have a genital piercing too. But no luck.

24. Other than penis piercings, I really couldn't care less about that stuff. If your nipples are pieced, so what? Balls? What does that do for me? None of it matters. As long as you're happy, I'm happy. I think this attitude is what attracts people to me. I also think it's why I felt (and still feel) such comfort in the LGBT community for so long.

25. I'm curvy. I'm not fat, but I have a shapely figure. I love it. I love looking so womanly. I'm attracted to androgyny sometimes, but I can't escape my own gender and it makes me happy. I'm a womanly woman with breasts and hips and full lips and long legs. And I couldn't be prouder.