Monday, March 2, 2009

01. I'm nineteen and I'm a virgin. That's probably not so strange.

02. I've never been kissed. That probably is.

03. I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend either, just in case there was any doubt.

04. I'm not unattractive, and I'm not prudish or afraid of sex. I'm not asexual, although I may have a lower sex drive than most people. I'm not sexually attracted to very many people at all, and I don't get crushes often, but when I am, when I do, it's overwhelmingly intense. There's this one boy I know whose very presence in a room can make me almost drunk. Drunk on lust and happiness and yearning. I'd love to just pin him to a wall and fuck him. Of course, he has a girlfriend and thinks I'm a bit of a weirdo.

05. The handful of people I'm attracted to are never attracted to me. I seem to have a bizarre magnetism for seriously creepy older men, though. When I was in high school, I had a (possibly mentally ill) quasi-stalker who brought me a bouquet of tulips on our third meeting. He had to have been at least forty. I also get hit on by shady characters at bus stops and such on a pretty regular basis.

06. I think the main reason I'm so sexually inexperienced is that I'm a romantic at heart and I want my first time to be somehow special. I'd like it to be with someone I love, or at least with someone I have a strong and genuine attraction to, and the opportunity just hasn't presented itself yet. Hell, I can wait.

07. I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of having sex with strangers. It isn't a moral issue; it's my phobia of venereal disease.

08. The only shady bus stop character with whom I've ever actually been tempted to fool around was a gorgeous, curvy, blonde girl about my age wearing stockings with a pirate motif. She brought her face up so it was almost touching mine and told me I was beautiful. She was obviously high on something, though, and her breath was very strange-smelling, and I listened to common sense.

09. I've been masturbating since I was three or four. I didn't know that that's what I was doing until I was thirteen. I figured it out while reading a novel where a female character masturbates by rubbing her clit. I considered it a kind of massage and didn't associate it with sex.

10. My parents never gave me a birds-and-bees talk or anything, and I didn't have older siblings or friends to clue me in on stuff, so my early sexual education mostly involved scenes or pieces of information I happened across while reading.

11. I still don't usually think about having sex when I jill off. I think about flying through the air, or swimming, or about shapeshifting into a mermaid or a werewolf or something. Freud and Jung would have a field day with that last one, I'm sure. I'm turned on by the idea of metamorphosis.

12. There's this scene in the Miranda July movie, Me and You and Everyone We Know, where the main male character is talking to his buddy about how he and his wife used to love to sleep together-- not as in sex, but as in, they'd curl up on the bed and fall asleep in each other's arms. I would love to do that with someone I have a crush on, sometimes as much or more than I'd want to actually fuck them. I have daydreams about it all the time, imagining scenarios where, say, we're taking a road trip together and we stop at a motel and there's only one room with one single-person bed left and we have to sleep curled up with each other.

13. I think penises are really, really funny-looking, like weird mushrooms. I'm a little afraid that someday I'll be about to have sex with some guy, or give him a handjob or what-have-you, and he'll pull his dick out and I'll just bust up laughing and completely ruin the moment.

14. I don't have that problem at all with female genitals, maybe because I have them myself.

15. My first sexual/romantic crush was on my best (and only) friend in the fourth and fifth grades. I was very confused about the tingly, nervous way I felt whenever she was around. She got breasts really early, and once I somehow convinced her to let me feel around under her shirt, which made me feel a lot more tingly, a lot more nervous, and slightly guilty to boot.

16. I have had sexy dreams about Jesus Christ (the Christ being only to distinguish him from, say, Jesus, the Mexican guy who lives down the block). He always looks a little bit like the youth pastor at the church I went to until I declared myself an atheist at sixteen and told my parents that they couldn't make me go there anymore if I didn't want to. I'm not sure if this means that I'm attracted to Jesus/the youth pastor or just that I have some interesting unresolved issues with Christianity that my subconscious is trying to work out.

17. I like to wear soft or silky-textured shirts and dresses without a bra. The fabric rubbing up against my nipples feels...reeeeally nice. (I've got pretty small boobs, so I can get away with this.)

18. I find extremely intelligent people quite sexy, especially if they're also a little eccentric. If someone comes up with some unexpected piece of esoteric information or trivia in the course of a conversation, they instantly become more attractive to me.

19. I'm this tiny, shy, sexually inexperienced girl-- in most ways, I totally fit the stereotype of the naive ingenue who gets seduced by someone more worldly--but in my fantasies, I'm almost always the dominant one, someone who seduces others, who gets on top.

20. When I was seventeen, I broke my hymen on one of those reusable silicone menstrual cups.

21. I've had more crushes on fictional characters than on actual people. I think it might have something to do with the fact that people in books and movies are almost always much more eloquent than anyone ever is in real life (see #18). Characters who are space aliens or vampires or faeries or some other kind of not-quite-human humanoid or who undergo some kind of transformation are especially appealing (see #11).

22. I wish society wouldn't ridicule people for not having sex or shame them for having what's percieved as too much sex, or the wrong kind of sex. Everyone has different quirks and kinks and wants and needs and I think all the stigma surrounding most of them is completely ridiculous.

23. French kissing has always seemed a little bit gross to me.

24. I only masturbate two or three times a week, but I have an orgasm virtually every time. Sometimes more than one. I've gotten good at self-pleasure. This is all me and my hands and occasional...improvisation...with household items. I don't have a vibrator or any sex toys (that were intended as such).

25. I didn't know what dental dams were until today.