Monday, March 2, 2009

1. I didn't masturbate until I was 20. The first time I did, I was reading a sex scene in an historical romance. It involved a couple of teenagers. I came hard reading about the boy's touching the girl's breasts. Since that day, I've masturbated three or four times a week, minimum.

2. I had sex for the first time just days before I turned 18. He penetrated me, but it was incredibly painful. We tried again a few times, but it never got any better, so we gave up trying and eventually broke up.

3. I tried with a couple more men over the next few years, but it was always too painful (and humiliating), so I gave up on men and dating and sex for close to 20 years.

4. During those 20 years, I never went to the doctor to find out what was wrong. I assumed it was all in my head. I thought that I was just frigid and screwed up. I was also too embarrassed to talk about it, even with a doctor.

5. Not one person ever asked me why I didn't date or talk about men and sex. I sometimes wonder whether or not a friend's concern might have encouraged me to see a doctor about it sooner. But I blame only myself.

6. I bought vibrators in an attempt to fix the problem, but I could never get any but the smallest ones in me. Anything larger than an inch in diameter made me want to scream in agony.

7. Last summer I finally solved my painful sex problem with the help of a wonderful man who is married and can never commit to me (this was made clear at the very beginning, and I'm okay with it), even though we still see each other and have sex regularly.

8. The solution to the problem was embarrassingly simple, and it was *not* all in my head.

9. I currently own a dildo, two vibrators, a butt plug and ben-wa balls. They all get fairly regular use. I still can't believe I can get things inside me!

10. I'm seeing two people now, the married man and another man I met recently who weighs twice what I do...and I'm a big girl!

11. I don't think about my weight when I'm having sex, although I always thought I would. It just doesn't matter. I feel very sexy.

12. I'm not physically attracted to the big guy. The married guy makes me weak in the knees, though.

13. Part of the reason I'm not attracted to this big guy is his weight. I know that makes me sound like a hypocrite, but he's not just overweight, he's super morbidly obese. And when we have sex, it has to be in a particular position, one which hurts me a little. And I'm so tired of painful sex.

14. Also, he's a bad kisser. He just rams his tongue down my throat. I hate it, and I've told him so. He's getting better.

15. I love it when he and I have phone sex, though, because I can imagine him smaller and more manageable. Also, I'm quite attracted to his mind. He really turns me on over the phone. He has not made me cum in person.

16. I cannot seem to get a man to cum with my hands or mouth, and this frustrates me greatly. I feel so inexperienced (I guess I am).

17. I had anal sex for the first time just last week with the married guy, and I loved it. It hurt at first, and I got scared, but he was gentle and careful with me, and it turned out to be a lovely experience.

18. I'd had rape fantasies much of my life. When I was 13, I got in trouble for drawing pictures of a woman being bound and gang raped.

19. For our first date, the big guy and I arranged a rape scenario: I left my door unlocked and he snuck in early in the morning and "raped" me at knife point. It was my idea.

20. I still don't know how I feel about that "date". Also, I don't know if I have any more rape fantasies. Or maybe I just don't want to play out any more with him.

21. The big guy likes Daddy/Daughter play. I enjoy it as well. It's very satisfying to cry out, "Fuck me, Daddy!" while having sex. But when I do it, I wonder what the married guy would think...he has two teenaged daughters.

22. The idea of real incest/child rape makes me feel physically ill. But the big guy admitted to me that if he ever had a daughter, and she told him she wanted to have sex with him (even if she were quite young), he'd consider it. I don't think he's joking, and that really scares me.

23. The married guy takes pictures of me giving him head, and I post them online. I love the idea of others looking at our pictures. I enjoy the comments people leave.

24. I write dirty stories for the married guy. It makes me hot thinking of his masturbating to my words.

25. I'm still working on feeling good about myself after years of feeling worthless. I cry a lot. But mostly, things are fantastic.