Tuesday, March 3, 2009

1. I skip my college math course to go sit in the GSA meetings (gay straight alliance). My babysitter doesn't know I'm there. The other students don't know I'm a mother. I'm almost afraid to say so- as if that would give me less of a right to be there, like I'm an impostor around anyone my own age. I feel too old to be 23, too young to be the mother I am.

2. I own five sex toys. Every time my SO comes over I end up making a mad dash to hide them before he comes in. I tend to forget to put them away when I'm done. <_<

3. I talk to other guys online (all out of state or country). I pretty much always let them know I'm taken and remind them of it but there's some small part of me that still wants their attention and flirtation. I'm lonely a lot.

4. I have never had cyber-sex. I'm open to the idea, having read romance novels and fanfics from middle school on. The problem is that I'm overly critical. I mean, what're the proper words to use: phallus? dick? cock? penis? vagina? hole? cunt? boobs? breasts? tits? I worry that my writing will be more of a turn-off than a turn-on when I'm done.

5. I lost my virginity at the age of 15. I had watched the movie American Pie the year or so before and wondered if sex was actually as good as they made it out to be. I went ahead and asked my mother. She answered honestly saying, "Sometimes it is but not always," followed by, "This is because of that movie, isn't it?" When I lost my virginity it wasn't fun. The second time I wanted it to stop. I just never spoke up loud enough for it to really be "rape". Either way, there was no third time with that BF.

6. The only person I have ever thought of as my soul mate is never going to be a part of my life again, my own fault. At the time it was ironic, considering that he thought of himself as a woman. Had I known that, I never would have dated him, fallen in love with him, or hurt him.

7. I am constantly at odds with my own religious beliefs. On Saturday nights my SO and I have wild, animalistic sex. On Sundays I wake up early to go teach Sunday School.

8. I love my SO but don't trust him to know these sort of things about me. He was a virgin when we started dating. I wish he still was.

9. Sometimes I fake orgasm to make it easier- because I know we'll have a fight if I don't. He'll feel like a failure and I'll feel like the one who failed, who's making him feel like crap. No amount of logic or reasoning has ever changed his thoughts on the matter. It sucks, smiling when he talks about how good it was and asking if it was good for me too, if I got off. He always jokes that I'm not a very good actress, funny, right?

I know, it isn't.

10. I try not to count how many people I've had sexual relations with. It's not that the number is all that high- it's just that I don't like knowing I let those people have what they wanted so easily. I haven't had many relationships last beyond 6 months. The average used to be 1-3. THAT is the part that makes me cringe.

11. I've had two threesomes. Nobody close to me knows that. One had two males, one had two females. Both were surprisingly unsatisfying- the kind of experience that leaves a bad proverbial taste in your mouth.

12. I'm turned on by the thought of being taken against my will but not just that- my ultimate fantasy has always been being forced to enjoy it. The thought of sex without mutual satisfaction is still a turn-off.

13. I have only ever had anal sex once. It hurt. I was glad when it was over. I count it as one of my bigger mistakes- not the sex, but giving it to someone who didn't know what to do with it. He never deserved me. I only served my purpose.

14. I let that same guy pee on my feet in the shower. He -really- wanted it. I still don't know why the thought excited him so much. In retrospect I suppose it's kind of odd but it doesn't really bother me. I agreed, he did it, and then I took a shower immediately afterward. There wasn't even anything sexual about it.

15. I have only ever had one amazing lover. I never loved him though.

16. I have never been caned or whipped but I have wished for it.

17. The thought of sex parties turns me on. I've never been to one or known anyone who has. I think it's just the thought- being lead around, owned before other people, not gifted to someone so much as them being gifted to me- a gift from my own fantasies. That being said I would never be comfortable having an ongoing swinging lifestyle. I think it's the BDSM streak in me talking more than anything else.

18. For that matter being onstage before a crowd is another reoccurring desire of mine. Have I mentioned yet? I'm a bit of an attention whore- at least to the extent that I like it. I draw the line at demanding it. I can't stand it when people -insist- on being the center of attention. It's only right that I hold myself to those same beliefs/standards.

19. I like both men and women sexually but have never had much of a relationship with any women. My mother and grandmother know. My father happens to be homophobic. I doubt I'll ever tell him.

20. I have given oral in a cemetery (when I was 15, I wouldn't now), outside in the snow, in the rain, in the shower (obviously), in a moving vehicle a few times, in a movie theater, and in a side room with no doors next to a room with people. The only place left that I'd like to try for some sex in "public" would be a dressing room.

21. I enjoy tentacle monsters in hentai. I know it's pervy. I know I would never want to meet one in real life. I still like watching it.

22. When I was still in school I tried both a carrot and a cucumber in my "experimentation." Let's just say it was uncomfy and let's leave it there.

23. I hate it when guys go down on me. I always have. I think it's because of all of those horror stories and comedy movies. What if it smells bad? What if it isn't trimmed enough? What if the taste isn't that great? Is he wishing he could stop right now?

I always feel more of an expectation to perform there than anywhere else. Are my moans loud enough? Should I grab his hair? Should I grab the blankets? Should I move? Should I not move? I hate hate hate it! (And they never seem to be able to understand or accept that.)

24. I've tried being dominant before. The end results have always been the same. Apparently I suck at it, at least where the bedroom is concerned.

25. Even as I type this out I feel a bit scared. I've spent my life to date guarding my own secrets as carefully as I could. Since I've been in this relationship with my SO I've felt this terrible burden- like there's just so much that I -can't- say. I don't think I'm presenting myself as a very likable person in what I've said, or at least I fear I'm not. In fact, I think if I were to read this thinking someone else had written it I would be a bit weirded out as well.

I suppose I should just argue that I'm surprisingly normal given the life I've lived. Sure, I may be a bit antisocial. I may be a bit blunt. When it comes down it, this list isn't for you. I just wanted someone else to know.

We all want to feel understood.