Wednesday, March 4, 2009

1. The earliest masturbation fantasy I remember is pretending to be a mermaid while in the bathtub, then imagining that I had just been turned into a human, at which point I would get out of the tub and hump the edge of the sink while looking into my own eyes in the mirror. To this day, a strong, steady, determined gaze can turn me on faster than any form of physical foreplay. Correspondingly, being in the middle of physical pleasure and looking up to see my partner's eyes shut tight can immediately turn me off and destroy any impending orgasm.

2. I frequently worry that I was somehow sexually abused as a child, but have blocked the memory of it. I can think of a person or two who might have done something, but I don't know when they would have done it. But when I hear conversations about repressed memories, or certain sexual/emotional behaviors that arise from childhood sexual abuse, I get this knot in my stomach like I'm being spoken directly to about myself. I'm afraid to explore this possibility, because what if I'm just imagining things?

3. I am a squirter and it doesn't embarrass me. It did at first, but now it is merely annoying - every time I get off, I need to wash my sheets. Over the course of my sexual lifetime, I have had to throw away at least three mattresses.

4. My last boyfriend had a whole litany of sleep problems: night terrors, sleepwalking, etc. He would instigate rough sex with me while unconscious of his actions, and he wouldn't respond to my attempts to get him to stop. I used to jokingly call him a "sleep rapist," and wouldn't let myself be mad or hurt, because he was "just asleep" at the time of the incidents. After we broke up, he sent me links to stories about men who had been acquitted of rape because they were technically asleep at the time, and the stories made me sick. If my current boyfriend tries to instigate sex while we've already been in bed for awhile, I tense up, flashback to fighting with my unresponsive overpowering ex, and cry. I wish I had never let my ex, or myself, think that the repeated "sleep rape" was a joke.

5. A Tex Avery cartoon where the wolf character kidnaps a woman was the first thing that turned me on as a child, and even now I think one of the hottest things ever is a woman who is tied up and struggling. This theme is all over children's cartoons - I saw similar things in Dudley DoLittle and Rescue Rangers.

6. Some of the best sex I've ever had was with someone I was in love with but knew I wasn't meant for. The freedom of loving him without having to feel committed was what allowed me to relax and orgasm easily from sex that lacked my favorite things (like eye contact and extensive kissing).

7. I once went on a day trip with my boyfriend, and during the train ride back he used his hand to get me off on the train. The slow silence we shared between getting off the train, catching a cab, arriving back at his apartment (all while I was soaking wet and we just kept looking at each other), and finally fucking were some of the most beautiful moments of my life.

8. When I was twenty years old, my college boyfriend was going down on me and I had a stroke right when I was about to orgasm. The rest of the year I was in and out of the hospital. I'm pretty healthy now, but five years after the fact I'm still afraid to allow myself to climax from receiving oral.

9. My boyfriend once fell asleep on my chest while we were watching tv, and as he drifted off he began subconsciously sucking at my nipple. It felt good so I didn't stop him. We talked about it in the morning and now he regularly suckles me. It produces this feeling that is the joy of an orgasm, but instead of building up to a big rush, it is more like a slow steady stream of joy. It feels like taking a mild mood-enhancing drug. It has only led to sex once or twice, and each time it has been some of the most intense lovemaking I've ever experienced.

10. I used to have fantasies about having a threesome with two guys who were best friends. This fantasy has morphed into a fantasy of being married to two men who are best friends and sleeping with both of them, but not at the same time. I feel like taking care of two men as both a wife and a lover would help me finally prove my womanhood to myself.

11. My ex-boyfriend had a cuckold fetish, and would be most attracted to me if I had just slept with another man, or if I were in the midst of telling him about a time another man pleased me. I wanted to be open-minded about this, and I sometimes enjoyed indulging his fantasy, but in the end it all made me feel worthless and dehumanized, as my behavior became compulsive in an attempt to garner attention from my ex. I never felt like an actualized sexual being. I remain emotionally closer to some of the men I slept with to indulge his fantasy than I do to him.

12. Bringing my boyfriend to orgasm by giving him head is frequently more enjoyable than having an orgasm myself. I love the sounds he makes and the way he moves and how he'll touch my head and shoulders during - it never fails to turn me on.

13. I think the idea of being a wife is sexy. I like when sex starts with his arms wrapping around me while I'm washing dishes, or being pushed onto a pile of fresh laundry. For some reason, the overlap of sex and domestic duties is incredibly hot, maybe because feeling an apron tied tightly around my waist reminds me of the tied up women I saw in cartoons (#5).

14. In elementary school, I stole a Squiggle Pen from one of my friends' houses and used it as a vibrator until I was old enough to drive and go visit a sex shop to buy an actual vibrator. I still miss that pen.

15. Sophomore year in college I had to stop taking the birth control pill for medical reasons. I tried the diaphragm, condoms, even the stupid withdrawal method, but nothing made me feel safe and spontaneous. For four solid years, I poured money into pregnancy tests and Plan B, all of which were unnecessary and a result of me acting out of paranoia. A fantastic gynecologist finally got me to try an IUD, and against the odds it works great for me! I feel like I have rediscovered sex, and I also constantly feel like I need to have EVEN MORE of it to make up for lost time.

16. Freud pretty much called kissing the most popular sexual fetish. I think fetish is an appropriate word for how I feel about kissing - if there is not a sufficient amount of making out before initiating penetration, I will not be turned on and will not have an orgasm. Period. I do not mind kissing someone with morning breath, or booze breath, or coffee breath, so long as my breath matches theirs.

17. After exploring polyamory, I made a conscious and informed decision to become monogamous. When I hear people complain about the monotony of sex in their relationship, or how the scariest thing about marriage is that you'll only get to sleep with ONE person for the rest of your life, I feel sorry for them. Making the choice to be monogamous for myself, and not because it's society's default, has made it possible for me to embrace my sexuality in an extremely fulfilling way, even at the times when the sex itself is lacking or monotonous. I wish everyone would experiment with non-monogamy, and to do it as soul-searching, not just blind promiscuity.

18. I have performed exactly one striptease in my life. It was spontaneous, serious, playful, set to Tom Petty's "Honey Bee." I felt so beautiful and desired, and the circumstances were so perfect, that I decided right then and there I would never perform a striptease ever again.

19. I love to be worshipped but don't know how to ask for it. I like having my neck kissed extensively, I like having my shoes taken off for me, I like having someone kneel to go down on me. It makes me feel like a sexual goddess. I wish I could learn how to be commanding so I could experience this more often.

20. The first time I had anal sex it was unexpected and extremely good. The following times have been less good.

21. For a long time, I was so unhappy and disconnected from my body that I didn't associate sex and emotion at all - it was like I'd leave my body during the act and wouldn't have a good time or a bad time. I loved to talk about all my experiences, though. I'd talk to near strangers about intimate things that I'd done with my body. Now that I've finally fallen safely in love, every sexual act has an emotional component, and I almost never talk about my experiences.

22. I was once sleeping with a guy who was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend at the same time. I was friends with his ex and we both knew what was going on. We didn't tell him we knew, and would get together to have drinks and laugh about all the hoops he was jumping through to make sure we didn't find out about each other. It wasn't mean-spirited, but it helped me learn about my interpersonal priorities regarding sex.

23. As I've gotten older, the idea of fucking in order to conceive a child with someone I love has gone from being laughable and scary to being absolutely and unbelievably sexy.

24. I have had three sexual encounters in my life that could count as threesomes. In each scenario (two mmf, one mff), one of the men involved was secretly in love with me before the event occurred, and tried to win me over afterward. Although I would still enjoy a threesome, I'm now afraid I can't trust anyone to be upfront about their emotions. I don't tell people about this because I don't want to sound like I'm bragging.

25. My sex drive is very high, so I am rarely satisfied, and it can cause me to become unbearably miserable, which makes me act like a horrible girlfriend, friend, employee, daughter, human being. More often than not, I wish I could just cut my sexuality out of myself.