Sunday, March 8, 2009

1. Every woman I've had sex with has had at least C-cup breasts. I don't actively seek out curvier women; it just happens that way.

2. I don't know what flipped the switch, but I've been interested in spanking since I was about seven. I was never physically punished as a child. But I've been into BDSM in one form or another since then -- especially spanking -- and have attended munches and conventions. None of my partners except one (see items 13 and 14) have ever been as into it as me. Good sex and a good variety will make up for BDSM, but as you'll see later, I don't even have that.

3. I recently became Facebook friends with the first person I truly fooled around with. She's the daughter of my parents' friends. We were 11 or 12 at the time, and after my sister went to bed, we went into my room, turned the light off, talked, and eventually I got to touch her entire front side, through her clothes. I was quite shocked and nervous at the time. I think she was about to reciprocate, but then our parents got home. Nothing ever happened with her again, though I did have a crush on her older brother's wife.

4. My first real girlfriend would let me use my mouth on her breasts, but only if I promised to keep my eyes shut. I did get a hand in her pants, but she didn't seem to enjoy that as much. I don't know why; looking back, I never forced her into anything, and I never hurt her (or if I did, she didn't tell me). I was 15; she was 16. It lasted four months.

5. My senior-year-of-high-school girlfriend was actively crazy. But we got to second base our first night hanging out, and the next night (like, literally the next night) she took my virginity in the back of my car. I lasted about ten minutes, and the whole time I alternated between "shouldn't I be coming by now" and "holy shit I'm having sex".

6. I never cheated on her, but she said she cheated on me once. Shortly thereafter, she said "what can I do to make it up to you?" I was 17. It was the first time I ever got head. It was pretty damn good, for a girl who said she'd only done it to one other guy.

7. She and I had a LOT of sex -- at least twice a week, usually in my bed. We tried a lot of positions, but usually ended up doing missionary.

8. My first condoms were purchased for me by a friend because I made the stupid mistake of going with the "pull out" method after she ran out of them. I was embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed anymore, but I still don't buy sex supplies (condoms and lube) where I normally shop for groceries.

9. That same girl allowed me to try anal with her twice. The first time, she asked me to stop because it hurt, and I stopped. The second time, months later, she asked me to stop because the position was awkward, and I stopped.

10. A woman has purchased airplane tickets for me to fly 1000 miles to her house in another state for the sole purpose of having sex. She had the most stay-in-place D-cup breasts I've ever seen. I didn't see any scars when we were having sex, so I'm pretty sure they were real.

11. The first time she and I had sex, I came a minute before she did and was mortified. The second time, she was on top, and came so much there was a wet spot under us afterward.

12. I have had one partner who I regret sleeping with. We met online, went out to play pool, went back to my dorm room, and I wouldn't say I pressured her into it, but I made it clear I wanted to sleep with her. Had she said "no way" and walked out, then that would have been that. I tried to make sure she had an orgasm, but she didn't seem into it, so I put the condom on, we had sex, I came, and she left. We haven't talked since.

13. The most adventurous sex partner I ever had was five years older than me and introduced herself to me on AOL by IMing me to ask, "do you like anal sex?" After I taught her how to kiss without eating my entire face, things went pretty well.

14. She was the first girl I ever: brought to orgasm with my mouth, had successful anal sex with, was with who had no hair between her legs, wanted me to orgasm on her breasts, answered the door naked, spanked with a spatula, fucked in my parents' bed (they weren't home, obviously), fucked in the shower, fucked in a swimming pool. I wonder how she's doing.

15. I met the woman who is now my wife when I was 18. She's the last person I'll have sex with until at least 2024, which is when my child turns 18 and goes off to college.

16. We used to be pretty adventurous in bed -- I gave her head, she gave me head, she used her breasts, she used both hands, she used her fingers and hands all over me and me all over her, anal sex, missionary, girl on top, her on all fours, in public places, me coming on her chest and/or stomach and/or back, with other people in the house, in my dorm room while my roommate slept, the works.

17. She doesn't like receiving oral sex. I know I'm at least decent at it because two other women have come from it when I do it and have asked for it on more than one occasion. She just dislikes it. I have no idea why.

18. She doesn't shave. Anything. Unless we have to go out somewhere that requires formal dress. I don't mind women with a little hair, but I'd prefer to avoid 70s bush if I can help it. (Interestingly, the women with whom I've had the two longest relationships have both had 70s bush.)

19. She stopped giving me head on a regular basis (say, once or twice a month) in 2002, shortly after her parents approved our marriage.

20. In college, for about two years, we had anal sex at least three times a month. That was when I lived in the dorms and she would come to visit. We've had it less than ten times since the turn of the century, and she's said flat out that she used certain sexual techniques to "hook" me in the same way I used poetry (which I don't write anymore because my poetry is atrocious).

21. My wife doesn't mind an occasional light spanking, but I'm much kinkier than that and she knows I am. So I told her I wanted her to spank me instead -- and not just playing around, but to really spank me. She's done it once, and the rest of the times that I bring it up, she says "well, if you ask for it that means you expect it, and I'm not doing it if you expect it." I hear that a lot when I put forth an interesting/new sex thing for us to do.

22. She can only come one way: her on her back with me telling her an erotic story that involves her fucking another woman with a strap-on, but the woman has to think she (my wife) is a different woman or a man. She admits she's trained herself to come that way and she refuses to try anything different or let herself go in any way. I can't even touch her clit while we fuck in the hopes that she comes with me inside her (which has never happened). It's her way or no way.

23. She refuses to use birth control, so I have to be the one to initiate it, using condoms. I don't mind them so much, but she constantly harps on me to not use them in hopes that I'll get her pregnant again. We have sex pretty infrequently because I don't want to get into the argument every damn time.

24. When I refuse to fuck her without a condom, she relegates me to masturbating in front of her while she turns on her side and uses one hand to help out, touching me in other places. It feels good, but it also feels like she's just going through the motions because I'm not doing exactly what she wants me to do in the exact way she wants me to do it.

25. I am very unhappy, sexually, because of items 15 through 25. I wish she was as adventurous (or at least as honest) as she was back when we met, or that I had known she would turn out like this (because I might not have married her), but I put up with her bedroom crap because I love our child and I wouldn't change anything that meant I didn't have her. Unfortunately, it also means that, until I find someone else to be with, sex will consist of: argue about getting her pregnant, fool around, argue some more, fool around, get her off in the same way every time, argue some more, and give myself a handjob while she watches. I wouldn't say it's a small price to pay, but I'll sacrifice my sexual satisfaction in the name of my child's happiness.