Sunday, March 8, 2009

1. I feel like I became sexually aware unusually young. I don't recall how I developed a knowledge of what sex was, but I think it was a combination of eves dropping on my older sister with her friends, sneaking out of my room at night and watching things on TV that I wasn't supposed to and piecing that together with the vague euphemisms my parents used when I asked them where babies came from. I remember at least as early as age 7 having sexual fantasies. As I was also raised in a strict Christian household, these fantasies were often accompanied by a great deal of guilt.

2. My first kiss was with a neighbor girl on a dare. We were about the same age and were playing with a couple other neighborhood friends outside. We hid in the bushes and were dared to kiss. I liked it and found it exciting, but also embarrassing, because at that age I was still supposed to think girls were gross. This must have also been around 6 or 7. I think her name was Sara.

3. My first shared sexual experience was at age 11, at a sleep over. We masturbated together, but did not touch one another. Two good Christian boys jacking off in the basement.

5. My first heterosexual experience was when I was 15 with a girl who was 23. I was very drunk and felt really gross afterward. I don't think I would have gone along with it if I had been sober and it was more curiosity that carried things on my end than it was sexual desire.

6. The first several times I had sex I felt sick afterward. I attribute this mostly to my repressive Christian upbringing. Though I had refuted the church fairly early on as a teenager, it was years before I could undo the mental conditioning I had been instilled with in my youth.

7. I have never been physically faithful in a relationship. I think this is the direct result of my own personal insecurities and vulnerability to flattery. This too causes that dreadfully familiar feeling of guilt. I do however feel that I am emotionally faithful.

8. Until around 22, I feel I was more sexually submissive. Now, I am quite dominant. I think that sex has gotten much better since I have become dominant for all parties involved. I think that taking a more active role has allowed me to work out a lot of my guilt issues.

9. I still occasionally enjoy my partner taking control, provided they do it well and convincingly. A good wrestling match can be very exciting.

10. I like pain at the *right moments* during sex. Timing is everything.

11. I often feel more feminine than I do masculine, which I think would surprise a lot of people that know me, since I have a fairly large, muscular, male frame, a full beard, a very low voice and a very dominant personality.

12. I do not agree with contemporary western societies views of "gay" and "straight" and the emphasis placed on rigid categorization and neither does your body or emotions.

13. I feel that the variety of possible relationships is as varied in number as there are humans to have existed, are existing and will exist. Love is a beautiful thing in all its forms and it is heartbreakingly wrong for others to pass legislation on what type of relationships get to be validated by law, provided all parties are consensual.

14. Sometimes I find it hard to be mentally present during sex. I often find myself fantasizing about other scenarios to get off. I don't know why I do this, since sex when I am fully in the moment is always the best sex.

15. I don't always want to have sex when my girlfriend wants to have sex, but I am afraid that she would feel rejected if I told her to stop. In these scenarios in particular, I find myself fantasizing to get off: often about other lovers. This makes me feel guilty.

16. I think I watch too much porn and that this might also contribute to me not always being fully present during sex. Though the porn I watch often consists of sexual scenarios that I feel wouldn't happen in my current relationship, though I don't know that for sure because I've haven't brought up the subject. Which brings me to my next point.

17. I am with someone who is more loving and accepting of me than anyone else I've ever met in my life. Whenever I have had the courage to talk with her about something I felt uncomfortable discussing, she is always understanding, helpful and usually excited to explore that curiosity. I project my own sexual hangups on my partners and when I get over them, I feel silly - but ultimately relieved.

18. I find it very difficult to be completely open and honest with anyone, because of the subconscious fear that they won't approve and therefore won't love me if they know who I really am.

19. I have had sex in public on 4 occasions. These experiences are some of the most exciting sexual experiences I've ever had. The fear of possibly being caught plus the feeling of potentially being on display makes me very aroused.

20. I've recently had fantasies about having sex with either a beautiful transsexual or a waify effeminate man that is in love with me and then getting caught sharing a meal with them in public afterward at which point I act like our relationship is completely nonsexual.

21. Often when I have sexual fantasies about attractive women I see, in the fantasy, I am also a woman.

22. On more than one occasion I have had a dream that involves me sucking my own penis. It takes me forever to come, but once I do, I can't stop coming at which point it becomes embarrassing.

23. Most of the time, I think I have a fairly average sex drive, though I occasionally shift between extremes of wanting sex several times a day to having no sexual interest at all. When I'm going through an asexual phase, I find the concept any kind of sex repulsive.

24. Another fantasy I've been having lately is of being pursued by an older woman who does not respect me, even though she pretends she does and uses me only for sex, to get back at her husband.

25. I think jealousy is a destructive, negative, unattractive emotion caused by insecurity; though, I often struggle with feelings of jealousy myself. I would like to tackle my personal insecurities and get over the issues that make me feel jealous. That sounds really difficult.