Sunday, March 8, 2009

1. I lost my virginity when I was 18 to my first serious girlfriend. It was nice, but for most of our relationship, she was usually too tight for it to be much fun for her. This led to us mostly doing other stuff, which was fine with me.

2. The relationship ended because I was in love with her best friend. We had sex once next to her in a field near my house, we've never talked about it.

3.I masturbated for the first time when I was 14, I never felt guilty about it, or did to excess. The only thing I worry about is what to do with semen, I hate that stuff.

4. I've never came from oral sex, and I don't really enjoy it, so I don't receive it unless the girl is pushy about it. This happens surprisingly often.

5. I really like going down on girls, but only a handful of girls I've been with have been into it. A lot of them are self-conscious about appearance, or smell, or whatever. I don't get it.

6. Sex with my current girlfriend is okay, but sort of a clusterfuck. I'm pretty seriously ill right now, so my sex drive is shot, and all the painkillers make it hard to get an erection. Also she reminds me of my mother on some level, and she fondles my breasts like they're women's breasts, both of which are tremendous turn-offs. I really want to break up with her, but I think she would be crushed, and she's been so supportive about all my health problems.

7. My mother had a manic episode when I was a kid, and she got into drugs and had affairs with women, my dad told me and my sister about it, which was a shitty thing to do. I've always been into girls who are kind of crazy, and I only watch lesbian porn, I used to worry that it had something to do with my mother, but all my friends like crazy girls and like lesbian porn, so whatever.

8. I've only had one good female friend whom I wasn't kind of in love with, and she looks like my grandmother as a young woman.

9. I am very happy with my penis, although I don't like to let women see it flaccid. A flaccid penis is just a very unimpressive thing.

10. As soon I'm in better health, my first order of business is to have a three-way with two girls.

11. I made out with a dude once during spin the bottle. He was a very handsome gay man, but it didn't do anything for me.

12. My dad thinks I'm gay.

13. Once, when I had to have surgery on my ass, and part of it was held together with surgical twine, I hooked up with a really cute girl while I was recovering, and as soon as we finished, I put all my clothes back on, so she wouldn't see it. It made her really uncomfortable and we didn't hang out again.

14. I have a really unstable ego, sexually. Part of me thinks I can get any girl I want (and recent history more or less backs this up) and part of me thinks that I'm completely undesirable. I don't know how many other people feel this way.

15. I definitely have a type, tall women with big hips, who dress like hipsters, have big blue eyes and red hair and are kind of cold, but care a lot about politics and humanitarian issues. It doesn't mean I'm never attracted to other kinds of girls, it's just that if a girl has most of those qualities, I'll put up with pretty much any bullshit. On the other hand, I could never date a woman who's anti-feminist.

16. I have no interest in any kind of BDSM, in fact I find it extremely upsetting... particularly anything that resembles or simulates rape. If a girl asked me to do anything violent to her, I'd probably break up with her on the spot.

17. Once, I was high on Adderal with some friends after a night at a club, 3 dudes, this cute girl, and myself. We were taking joke "sexy" pictures of each other, and this led to all of us guys feeling up this girl, and then going to her bedroom, where she told me and one of the other guys that she didn't know us well enough, and asked us to leave. We went and hung out in her living room, had a great conversation and listened to the clash, he hit on me pretty forcefully, but I'm not into dudes and the whole situation was completely absurd. My pals in the next room asked me to get them bottled water, which seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do at the time, I went into the girl's room and my buddy was masturbating, trying to get an erection (we were on a lot of drugs) and went "dude, look at me". We've never talked about it, and I'm willing to chalk it up to the drugs.

18. Sometimes I love dirty talk, but a woman's vocabulary can really make or break the experience. I remember seeing a movie on showtime where a guy said "a cock is something you fuck with, a dick is something you piss with" and I think that about sums it up. Also, personification of sexual organs just sounds hilarious, calling a vagina "her" makes IT sound like a battleship.

19. I don't see why people think the term "making love" is cheesy, sometimes it's just a good description of what you're doing.

20. With a few exceptions, I want to have sex with all of my female friends.

21. I'm definitely an ass man. A girl with no tits is no big deal, but a girl with no ass and no hips is such a turn-off.

22. My first kiss was when I was 14. She was my first girlfriend. I recently found out that she's married to an army man, and has a baby on the way. She was an extremely warped person then, but I guess a lot of 14 year olds are.

23. I'm still attracted to all but one of my exes. I usually hit on them when I run into them and it's usually pretty uncomfortable.

24. I find other people's sexual histories, and sexual idiosyncrasies extremely interesting.

25. I find female sexuality totally perplexing.