Saturday, February 28, 2009

01. One of my biggest fantasies is meeting someone and promptly fucking them. I don't want to know their name, and I don't want us to acknowledge each other ever again. However, I am too scared of casual sex to even conceive of attempting this.

02. While I identify as straight, I desperately want to seduce a woman. I desperately want to seduce a woman and fuck her in a car. I want to fuck her in a car, and then continue a short-lived affair that eventually involves a strap on because I am obsessed with my strap on.

03. I've only pegged a guy once, but I can't stop thinking about doing it again. The lead singer of one of my best friend's band squirms around and grabs his butt a lot when they perform, and I can't think about the music because I'm so preoccupied with thoughts of plugging his butt with my eight-inch prosthetic purple cock. My friend says to stay away from him because he's trouble, but I think his ass needs a deep dicking. From me.

04. It's really difficult for me to get wet. In fact, the times that I've genuinely felt that sensation people feel when they describe themselves as "hot" - that skin-burning twinge of desire and stimulation - I could probably count them on one hand. I don't know what's wrong with me because I desire sexual stimulation often while seldom having those physical indications that are supposed to accompany that desire. HOWEVER, giving head that gets a lot of response usually makes me pretty wet. I love doing a job well, and there's no better job than the one we call blow.

05. If my breasts are stimulated enough, I positively drip, and a guy could likely convince me to do just about anything by tweaking my nipples just right. Frankly, if my nipples are tweaked just right without any follow through, I'd probably walk outside naked and fuck a lamp post because it makes me so desperate and desiring. Unfortunately, most guys don't seem to tweak my nipples just right no matter how many times I show them or give them verbal encouragement.

06. I can't get off with anyone the first time we get frisky. It just never happens.

07. For the longest time, I was very, very scared to play with myself. I can remember being around five and fishing around in my pants, just familiarizing myself with my equipment like kids do, and I worried a lot that even that was "too close" to playing with myself. I imagined myself being interviewed on 60 Minutes somewhere down the road and feared they'd ask me if I touched myself. Being 60 Minutes, they would know if I was lying. (As an aside, I have no idea why I pictured myself on 60 Minutes.)

08. When I was six years old, I traced a dirty comic strip out of a Matt Groening book and gave it to a friend for Christmas. Her mom found it and told my first grade teacher, and my teacher had a conference with my parents. When my parents confronted me about it, I denied it and then hid in the dryer.

09. I saw some double-feature parody movie on Showtime or something about Tonya Harding and Lorena Bobbit when I was, like, eight years old, and I made a joke about it at the dinner table - something about being Lorena Bobbit and having thirty orgasms or something even though I had no idea what an orgasm was. My whole family just put their forks down and stared at me.

10. I gave my first blow job when I was fourteen years old in a car outside of the Family Fun Center. Some ten-ish year old boys and their older brother/baby sitter/something were getting into a car across the way and saw us and gave us the thumbs up.

11. At sixteen, I'd pose half-naked for this local store owner just to get discounts on clothes. I've never admitted this to anyone because I'm really ashamed of it, even though at the time I thought it was daring and mature.

12. I long to be seduced. I long for someone to put forth an effort to make a seduction. It never seems to happen. In my memoirs, I will not have any hot affairs to write about - at least not ones with cliched themes like being a naive student who spent much of her college career perched atop her (much older) professor's penis. This really disappoints me. If anything, I think my memoirs will include some sort of Demi-Ashton story - which would be fine if that weren't the only interesting affair I had to detail. Ugh.

13. I think I'm perceived as a little slutty because I'm really comfortable with my sexuality. Discussing sex and asserting myself sexually is a total non-issue. Truth be told, I've only slept with four dudes and one lady. All of them were in the context of a relationship, except for that high school lady experiment.

14. I want to be a Suicide Girl - in part because I finally feel really confident in the way I look but also because I love the thought of a bunch of strangers fantasizing about sticking it in my mouth.

15. One of my guy friends got really drunk, wrote a gratuitous sex poem about me, and then tried to force himself on me. It was easy to fend him off, but then we didn't talk for a year because he was too ashamed to apologize. When he finally did apologize, I was really quick to forgive him - for a lot of reasons, but one being that I secretly want him to do those things sober. Even though that was such a shitty thing to do in the first place and a shitty way to handle it, and even though the whole to-do hurt me a lot. I really wish he'd try that stuff sober, and knowing that the shame haunts him so much he never will, really disappoints me.

16. It's really easy for me to be sexually assertive with guys I'm not romantically interested in. In bed with them, I freely invite all sorts of things and boss them around the way I wish I could with boys I actually like because I don't fear their rejection.

17. I only date people whom I have a reason for breaking up with, going into the relationship. On some level, I likely don't want myself to be happy and enjoy self-sabotaging. Plus, when the relationship ends, I don't feel accountable because it was an inevitability. Then I wonder why my relationships have been wholly unsatisfying.

18. I'm really worried I'm never going to have sex as good as I did with my last partner. I kind of wish he and I could have all sorts of relationships and still secretly fuck on the side for the rest of our lives.

19. My sex life feels like it's been far too vanilla thus far. Sure, I've brought in the cuffs and crops, the masks and props, but I've barely fucked outside of a bed. And I'm wholeheartedly afraid of casual sex. I want to fuck so many guys, it's absurd - and why shouldn't I? I am a hot fucking piece of ass, and I am REALLY good in bed! - but I am so painfully afraid of casual sex. WHY AM I SO PAINFULLY AFRAID OF CASUAL SEX? My number of partners is far too low, and I'm completely convinced everyone is having more, better, interesting-er sex than I am.

20. I have no idea how to flirt or read men's signals. Subsequently, I find myself being the sexual aggressor much of the time, which involves a certain forwardness many men don't know how to deal with. I told a friend of mine I wanted him to finger fuck me blind (exact words), and his reaction was, "Jesus christ, that's blunt." Still, my sex life remains rather vanilla.

21. My co-workers tease me that one of my soon-to-be roommates has a big crush on me - which I don't think is the case but secretly relish because I like the idea of torturing a guy with desire. When I finally move in, I kind of want to intentionally prance around half-naked because I enjoy believing it makes him sexually frustrated.

22. Being a pro dom would make me ecstatic. God, I love bossing men around and making them beg and watching them squirm.

23. I really, really seldom get sex dreams. When I do, they're usually about family members. I've had a sex dream about almost every member of my immediate family. Sometimes, I've cum during the dreams and woken up from the sensation on a couch with a family member around - and I've been totally worried that they knew I was having a sex dream and worse, knew I was having a family-related sex dream. In my waking life, no one in my family gets me hot. In fact, I kind of hate most of my family. I don't know why I have these dreams or what they're supposed to mean.

24. In my earliest understandings of sex, I thought just moving your hips back and forth against something was "having sex", so I'd do it against different things and wonder what the big deal was.

25. I went through a really rough patch following a relationship that I chose to end. In fact, I got suicidal. I tried to tell my former partner about these feelings because I still felt emotionally open towards him, but he wouldn't take my calls and I wound up acting on the feelings. Then I held it against him for not being there for me and refused to talk to him. When I decided to acknowledge him again, I invited him over, exchanged three sentences, and then fucked him silly - twice. We're back to not talking. In fact, I've changed my number.