Saturday, February 28, 2009

1. I learned the facts of life before kindergarten from a 70s encyclopedia of physical development. I found it in a cardboard box of old books at home, and it had plenty of diagrams. It wasn't morally motivated and just explained things clearly.

2. When I was five, there was a boy at school that I'd kiss during lunch. I punched people who made fun of us for it, then he moved schools. We'd go to each other's houses, climb under the bed and kiss and cuddle really quietly so no one would find us. I met him again when we were 11. We climbed back under the bed like old times.

3. I discovered internet porn when I was 14. The pornographic texts or chatrooms turned me on far more than pictures. Bondage stories were my favourite. I used to tie silk neckties round the arms of my chair and around the legs, so I could tie myself down while I read. Plus, I could leave the ties there without it looking too conspicuous.

4. When I was 14, the only physical stimulation I needed was to trace a line from behind my ear and down the side of my neck. It was such a rush.

5. I'm still a virgin at 19, and happy with that.

6. My older brother was openly homosexual and taught me how to protect myself against assault with martial arts and prevention strategies. He told me all about his experiences, good and bad, with men. I learned many things from him. Fear of men was one of them.

7. I'd love to explore foodplay.

8. I used to find my labia freakishly strange for years. Simplistic diagrams failed to adequately describe them. I was reassured later by photos of non-porn-star vaginas.

9. The night of my 15th birthday, my 19 year old boyfriend climbed into bed on top of me and started to kiss me deeply. I got shaky, scared what he was going to do, and pushed him away. He smiled and just kissed me softly. I never saw him after the next morning. We broke up via email.

10. I dated a guy for three years. We'd make out in the rain after midnight, suck caramel off each other's skin, and a kiss for every arrival or departure. I ran away from the relationship when it got serious with meeting parents and talk of moving in together. We met up again recently and spent the night on the sofa. The thought of his touch still makes me catch my breath.

11. I experimented with masturbation with little success, electric toothbrush, thick markers, etc. Physical stimulation was never as good as the thought of it. I'd fall asleep lost in fantasy.

12. I would put a jumper over a pillow and cuddle into it at night, just so I could imagine myself falling asleep in his arms. I never fell asleep in his arms. We never slept when we were together. Felt like a really prolonged and sensual affair.

13. He never complained about anything I did. I didn't want to have sex? We'd spend hours entwined in each other.

14. I still feel threatened by penetrative sex.

15. I love spending time alone together, no talking, just sensual exploration.

16. The cat would climb into bed with me and sit right between my legs. I'd pet her in just the right place to get her purring loudly. She was a good vibrator.

17. When I was 19, I was sexually assaulted on an overnight train. I had a window seat and the man next to me was persistently stroking me and leaning in to kiss me. I'd wake up with him breathing on me, his hand inching over my leg. I spent 5 hours of the trip pushing him to his seat and audibly telling him to fuck off. Eventually I got the assistance of the train staff and was relocated. It seems so stupid in retrospect, that I should have acted sooner. I guess I was hoping someone sitting near would notice and defend me while I slept. I called a friend at 2am, she talked me through my shakiness.

18. After the assault, masturbation worked. I was masturbating virtually every night for months. My first orgasm was during this. Clitoral stimulation, then then a short porn video to get me to climax. It was always with the aim of just getting to climax so it would be over. I'd fall asleep with my mind racing and glad it was over and done with for the night so I could sleep.

19. I'd always been scared of rape, but after the assault, I was scared of anyone getting near me. Before, I'd be flirting and happy to be touched. Afterwards, any male interest just made my blood run cold.

20. I get off on authority figures with young girls. I wonder if it's something I've always liked or if I'm reacting to the assault. I get disgusted by myself having pervy-old-man interests. This is part of the thought process of wanting my climax over and done with.

21. My sexuality used to excite me, all the possibilities with someone I loved. Now it horrifies me, just makes me think of chemicals in the brain and the animal desire that leads a man to see me as his sexual object. I can't keep control of it and it scares me.

22. The one I love at the moment is a girl. I'd never considered bisexuality, but I love her. I don't want my sexual decisions dictated by reaction to trauma, and I fear that my whole emotional development is just reaction, but I love her more than any man who'd lavish me with kisses and adoration.

23. I need to learn to love again, not just taking advantage of mutually compatible hormones for sensual fun.

24. I love my body more than ever now. It's in great shape and has grown into womanly proportions so I can dress it up in all sorts of saucy clothes.

25. I look forward to all the sexual adventures life has in store for me. Despite my fears, I know I have people who love me and will support me. I want this confidence in love to be my foundation in future relationships.